Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

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No, no, leave me alone

Why must Sam want to come around tomorrow? How am I supposed to tell him not to? He'll need a reason, and "I don't want you to" isn't a reason I can give him. It's just that I want to spend MY weekend by MYSELF, ALONE. I LIKE being alone. Is that such a crime? If it is, I don't give a rat's blue anus. I couldn't care less. I like being by myself. I've seen Sam five days in a row at school. We hang around at lunch time. When he comes round, sooner or later things get boring because it quite simply is boring at my house (and the same applies to his house). When he comes around, I can't go online - and remember here I'm addicted to the Internet (honestly, I fear I'm serious when I say that, and that truly scares me) - and we generally end up quite bored anyhow. Maybe things will be better come November, when I - hopefully - will get a new computer, can link it up to my current one, and play multiplayer games or something similar to keep us occupied.

Isn't it sad? Am I the only person who finds hanging around with friends BORING? There's nothing to discuss, we never think of anything imaginative to do, I get bored fast, and I know they do to. It's STUPID. When you're with friends, you're supposed to have FUN, not be BORED. When Sam tells me what he does around at Tom's house, it sounds very FUN. But around at my house ... it's boring as all blades of grass. Indeed, blades of grass are more exciting because you can actually rip them out of the ground, rip them apart, and do all kinds of stupid and childish things to them like putting them in other people's hair.

See, this is probably part of the reason why I've become an Internet addict, because everything else is BORING. I guess the problem with me and my friends is that we've been in such close contact for the last 3-4 years that we don't have anything new to talk about, and ... I know what it is. I'm too serious. No, wait, no I'm not. I can be fun - even funny - it's just that I'm not into building longbows, don't have the room or the ride-on lawnmowers to race lawnmowers, and no-one else I know cares to watch U2 videos or discuss interesting stuff, like the stupidity of bombing the UN Embassy in Iraq or theology. I don't want to discuss the latest shitty movie - currently, the latest shitty movie is American Pie 3, which I'm NOT going to see - I don't want to discuss the latest shitty fad - the Happy Tree Friends are disgusting and violent, even if there is elements of humour, and I want to know why you'd waste time or download limit on them - I don't want to discuss computer games, because I don't really care for them (and I wish Sam would stop telling me to use a first person shooter as an outlet for my anger because, of all computer games, first person shooters are one of the genres I like the LEAST), and I don't want to discuss any of their other interests. I'm not interested in cars like Hamilton and Grant are, I'm not interested in the computer games Patrick's interested in, I'm not interested in Sam's latest project (be it Lego train making (actually, I'm interested in this because it involves TRAINS), constructing a longbow, or building and launching rockets, or whatever), I'm not interested in whatever rubbish Aaron has to talk about (that guy has problems, seriously ... I like him, but ...), I'm not interested in ... sheesh, am I not interested in ANYTHING my friends are interested in? What's wrong with me? More precisely, why do I have friends who I don't have common interests with? Or, even more precisely, why is it that I USED to fit in with them, used to enjoy their company, but have now drifted away?

I don't understand it. I truly don't. I should WANT them to come around. I should gladly want to drop everything and hang around with them - and there was once a time when that was true - but now ... I don't want to and I don't understand. I want to want to, if that makes any sense, but I DON'T.

--- ABOUT AN HOUR LATER ---


Sam just phoned, and we actually had a constructive conversation. Maybe my previous thoughts are unwarranted and everything's getting back on track. I think I'll get him to come around next weekend. I need tomorrow to rest. I would like to get back to the point of wanting to hang round with my friends ... I think the thing is that when I am around my friends, there's usually other people around that I don't want to be around. I like my Mum and all, but I don't feel I can hold a proper conversation with my friends when she's around. We can't talk about everything. Not because there's anything I want to hide ... I honestly don't know why. It's just ... an intruding factor. It's like when I'm talking with my Mum, I'd rather my friends aren't around. Works both ways, really. I guess that's why I like IMs, because they ARE private conversations and someone else can't just overhear it.

I was going to put some more of my CDs (non-U2 CDs, no less) onto my hard drive. May still do it eventually. But I plan on another early night tonight. Before 9:30pm, hopefully. I don't know if I'll be up as early tomorrow morning.

By the way, October by U2 is really lovely, soothing song. I <3 it.
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