Stupid Retard is my hero because he is an annoying, useless prat who fell off a cliff. Due to the fact that he fell off a cliff and died, thus ridding the world of his awful presence, he is my hero. He showed me the most effective way to make people happy – that is, by annoying them until they want to die and making them feel like a rat’s carcass, and then killing oneself through one’s own stupidity so that they have a reason to celebrate and poke fun at one’s death.
Stupid Retard is my hero also because he demonstrated that an entire human body can be supported by stupidity alone, with no outside interference by blood, food, or oxygen. This man was more than the sheer essence of stupidity, he was more than the stupidest thing ever to live, he was even less intelligent than the most braindead sphinx – he was stupidity, completely stupid, made up of nothing but stupidity, living on, by, and through stupidity, and always thinking, saying, and doing stupid things. His sheer look made one want to poke an Aboriginal totem pole through one’s head to get one away from the repulsive aura of raw, unprocessed, unadulterated stupidity that surrounded him. Because he had this effect on people, and because his death caused worldwide celebrations on the scale not seen since the very last carrot was destroyed, he is my hero; indeed, more than a hero, he is my object of worship and adoration.
In addition, Stupid Retard is my hero because of the intensely stupid way in which his own stupidity led him to fall off the stupidest cliff on the face of the stupidest moon of Jupiter, and land on the stupidest sharp rocks known to exist. The way he fell off is far too stupid for words to possibly describe, the mangled nature of his body far too disgustingly stupid to mention, and the joy of the entire universe at his death far too great to be summarised in a mere few words. Indeed, I was a witness to this stunningly stupid fall, a stupid fall of such stupid calibre no-one could possibly replicate it because no-one could ever be that inherently stupid. This fall inspired in me such awe that Stupid Retard is the only possible candidate for my hero, and if there was any doubt in my mind, it was banished by the massive celebrations at his death. This euphoria and joy brought about such fantastic inventions as the chocolate spade, burning random number generator, and spotted seagull feathers. Without his fall and subsequent death, these inventions necessary to sustain life – particularly that of extinct marsupials – would never have come about and the world would be a poorer and much less cluttered and polluted place.
Some may say that the stupid cliff and stupid sharp rocks he landed on should be my hero, for they brought about his death, but no, such blasphemy should never be uttered by any soul apart from the Automatic Blasphemy MachineTM on Neptune© (please note it only accepts Mark of the Beast credit cards). If it wasn’t for Stupid Retard, the services of the cliff and rocks would never have been required, and if it wasn’t for his own stupidity, he never would’ve ventured close enough to them to bring about his death. The cliff and rocks should be given a medal for killing him (but won’t be, because it is too dangerous to one’s intelligence to venture within three kilometres of them), but Stupid Retard truly is the hero of this event.
To conclude, I must be going now. Stupid Retard is a hero. No, please don’t execute me for being three minutes late.