Axver (axver) wrote,

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I hate not knowing

I've felt so lost and empty lately. I don't even know why. Everything just seems to hurt. Sometimes even good stuff. I try to hate everything, but I can't. Some people and some things I simply cannot hate, no matter how much I want to hate. I try to be apathetic towards everything, but some people and some things I can't help but like or hate. I try not to care, and that's been the most successful thing so far, but it still doesn't work. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I have all this hurt, lots of it I don't even know what from, I feel completely lost and confused, and I just ... don't understand. What don't I understand? I don't even fully know myself. I guess life, the universe, and everything (no Hitch-Hikers pun intended ... well, not really).

Grr, now my Mum tried to unpack a bag of mine that was full of stuff from when we moved. No, don't touch my stuff. I don't care that you're my mother, don't touch my stuff. I hate people going through my stuff. It's MINE, and when it's a bag that I haven't even looked in for two or three months, I don't know what's in there and for all I know, there could be something I don't want Mum seeing. I don't know what I'd have that I don't want Mum seeing ... but it's still a possiblity, just like how I don't want her to look in my second drawer of the cabinet my TV's on, because that drawer's full of Bibles and I don't know how she'd react or what she'd think. Knowing me, I'd probably have some stupid thing I wish I'd never wrote lying at the bottom of the bag staring right at her to find. Bloody hell. Grr, I still have some letters I never sent to Lily. I would throw them away, but that seems to be too good for them. I think I'll burn them and invite all my friends. Wait, I only have one friend to invite. How depressing is that?

And totally randomly changing the topic, yesterday arvo I got a book of Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy 1-4. Shame I couldn't find 5, but yay, I now have 3 and 4! I love 3. Life, The Universe, And Everything rocks so far. Douglas Adams was a genius.

I finished Nineteen Eighty-Four last night. When I first finished it, I felt let down by the ending, but I don't any more. Fascinating book, that was. I enjoyed it.

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