Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

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It's hard to know what to write. It's one thing to know I need to move on and keep going with life; it's another to actually get back into the swing of things. I don't feel like I can just make one of my ordinary blog entries. I don't know how I'm meant to just go back to that. I never knew days could feel so long. I initially thought I'd gone a few days without making an entry, but the tribute entry was very much made yesterday morning. I've been passing the time just mindlessly posting on Interference and viewing clips on YouTube and watching the cricket - gradually trying to face reality again. I never knew a rain affected one day cricket match could feel so long. India got to play 45 of their 50 overs, but the match had to be abandoned after only 7 overs of the Australian innings, and yet it felt like an entire five day Test to me. There is another game tomorrow. I can't quite believe these games have been separated by only one day. It feels like it's been so much more, an entire week.

I won't be going to the funeral. It's hard to explain how I feel about this; I am very much in two minds. Being there would be a form of closure; I'm so far away and so very disconnected from everyone that it does not seem quite real. The next time I go to Grandma's place - you see, I nearly typed "Grandma and Grandpa's place", and he won't be there and that will be very difficult to accept. But then there's the other side of things, that the last time I saw Grandpa was the most special and lovely day, and if I had to choose any note to end things on, that is undeniably it. I could not ask for more. Not to mention that Grandpa would say that all the expense of coming to New Zealand isn't worth it when he's not even going to be there, and he would certainly be much happier if the money is spent on something else.

And being on my lonesome here in Melbourne is not all bad; I've been able to work through things on my own, and for someone like me, my solitude is important. Almost everyone's been calling me or talking to me on AIM or e-mailing me too, and that's helped a lot. It's interaction that also allows me to keep some of my solitude. I also very deeply value the comments you folks have left on my entries; I've been quite touched by that. I know it's hard to articulate what to say, I don't know what to say when I talk to my family, but to just know people care - that's important. And to read those comments, or to share supportive silences over the phone, that's quite valuable.

I'm having trouble sleeping. I think about everything. And I don't use my days productively enough. I was meant to make muffins this evening but I haven't yet. Probably a bit late now. Might anyway. I at least have the Porcupine Tree tour to anticipate. And sometimes the news springs an item of amusement on me. This gave me a welcome chuckle today. Do you have blue eyes? If, like me, you do, then you're an inbred mutant!

I really hope all of you and your families are well.
Tags: grandpa, life
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