Axver (axver) wrote,

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Looking for love?

I've been using the Internet for about 4.5 years now, and for much of that time, my regular online haunts have included forums aimed towards Christians. Now, despite common ideas of dithering idiots, I've met some of the most intelligent, genuinely kind, and sincere individuals on these forums. However, these forums have also had a tendency to draw in fundies of all types. I would now like to bring together much of what I have learnt from these fundies and present it to you.

Now, I'm sure some of you out there are lonely and looking for love. Others might be looking for a spark to set their relationship alight. Well, here is some relationship advice direct from the fundies, guaranteed to find you an upright, noble man or sweet, kind woman you can love forever!

Fundie Relationship Advice

1. Do not date. Dating is for sinners and leads to giving away pieces of your heart. Play semantics and call what you do 'courting'. It sounds more traditional anyway, which sounds good to a King James Bible-only crowd.
2. Do not have sex. Premarital sex is of the devil. It does not matter how deeply committed to each other you are or how well you know each other. The social construction that is a wedding ceremony is thoroughly necessary to make sex permissible.
3. No "petting" or "fondling". This is guaranteed to lead to sex within a matter of minutes because men are uncontrollable sex machines and women are whores.
4. Do not kiss. Kissing is bad. Your first kiss is at your wedding. Any sooner and you're tarnished goods. No-one will want you.
5. Do not hold hands. Holding hands is bad. Just like kissing, fondling, and sex, holding hands gives away part of your heart and denies whoever you end up marrying part of you. Dare you deprive your husband or wife of what is rightfully theirs?
6. Do not see much beyond the face and hands of your partner. Modesty rules apply not just to the genitals. Women are probably better off just wearing a burkha unless they want to make men lust. Making a man lust damns both parties to hell for being adulterers.
7. If you're a woman, your heart belongs to your father until your wedding ceremony. It then passes into the ownership of your husband. Men own hearts.
8. On all dates, you must not be alone. You must always be in public, and preferably with another couple, or even better, parents, preferably the woman's. No personal or private time is allowed, because anything you could learn about the other person during that time is immoral. You are such a sinful, irresponsible creature that you need not only God's commands to be moral, but other people around to make sure you don't do anything immoral. After all, if we didn't have God's laws, we'd be out raping, stealing, and murdering all the time, just like every single commu-fasco-liberal-feminazi atheist on the planet.
9. You need a purity ring, and to sign an abstinence pledge at church. These are legally binding and guarantee you will have a happy courtship and holy marriage. You will not become tarnished goods or a dirty sinner.
10. Your partner absolutely must be of the opposite sex. If you love someone of the same sex, it's Satan possessing your mind. Stop your unnatural lusts or you will become a child molester!
11. Remember: no physical contact WHATSOEVER until your wedding ceremony. As soon as the wedding's over, you may proceed directly to sex. Do not pass foreplay, do not collect a condom, go directly to sex.
12. Follow these rules! They will ensure that you will meet the partner God made for you, that you will not give away any of your heart, and that you will never become tarnished goods or a dirty sinner. They will also ensure that you have a happy, fulfilling marriage with someone you have gotten to know so well beforehand. You will have a happy, large family, and when your many children reach courtship age - 18 years old, 16 at the absolute youngest - you can pass on to them these successful instructions of age-old wisdom!

I seriously couldn't make this shit up.
Tags: christianity, fundamentalism, love, relationships
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