Axver (axver) wrote,

  • Music:
I wish to write a few words on my lack of updates. More to the point, I wish to make a confession or admission of sorts. I've been trying to keep it inside and resolve it, but that clearly hasn't happened.

I have not updated much recently, this is obvious. The reason, however, is probably not so apparent. Put simply, I have lost a significant degree of confidence in my ability to articulate and present opinions. I have written a number of entries lately that I have chosen not to post simply because they do not satisfy me and I am not secure in my own knowledge. I find myself increasingly aware of and intimidated by just how much I don't know, and I essentially view my writings as ignorant and insufficiently informed. For example, I have spent the last half hour trying to write an entry about my thoughts on global climate change, but after writing the bulk of what I wished to say, I re-read it and got the distinct impression that not only am I not particularly informed on the issue, but I have a tendency to switch from discussion of climate change to more general thoughts on environmental degradation. Maybe I will try to salvage the entry for a post about environmental degradation, I'm not sure.

Another somewhat different example can be taken from something else I recently wrote and did not post. I felt driven to write some thoughts on Israeli/Palestinian tension and the insurgency in Iraq, but as soon as I wrote it, I found myself vehemently attacking my own opinions, pointing out inconsistencies, and ripping gaping holes in my arguments. Maybe I'm treating myself too harshly? Last semester, I received the highest mark out of anyone in the subject for one essay I frankly thought was total rubbish - I still don't believe I deserved that result, and I can barely stand to look at that essay as I instantly start finding multitudes of faults both in expression and content, but maybe I'm too hard on myself? A couple of people have tried to persuade me of that. I honestly don't believe them.

I very much wish to return to my regular standards of posting. I have greatly enjoyed writing over the last half hour - it is my favourite form of expression and I find it rather fulfilling. I just no longer possess the confidence with which I used to make my posts. I also have reached a point where I abhor tension. I sometimes dread reading comments, for fear of being flamed. It's not that I fear insult itself, and come on, it's the Internet; the point is, I desire ... well, not necessarily agreement or consensus, but at least a sense of harmony and understanding, and tension and conflict leave me feeling uncomfortable. Some may scoff at me, and I realise my actions are not always complementary to my desire, but all of us are human, and I would like to erase any poor impressions. I do not wish to argue; I wish to understand in peace.

I don't know quite how to conclude this post, so I'll just conclude it here. Have a good one, folks. May you never lose confidence in yourself.

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.