Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
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Post Count - The TRUE Meaning Of Life!

It is truly amazing what you can find buried in the depths of your hard drive. I was scavenging around earlier and found what I believe is the first satiric/humorous piece I ever wrote online, way back on a forum over two years ago. I present it to you now unedited and unchanged, flaws and all.

Post Count – The TRUE Meaning Of Life
By André Axver, Post Count 412,117,921,230,647,373,400,000,695,002, the current world record


INTRODUCTION


Some people say that the meaning of life is unknown. Some say that it is to live for whatever god they believe in. Some say it is to eat spaghetti and frozen cheese. Some say other equally ludicrous things. However, the real meaning of life is your post count. How large it is reflects upon your quality of life. A massive post count shows you have a brilliant life. A medium post count means things are going just average for you - occasional good stuff, occasional bad, but, generally, things are going OK. A low post count reflects a poor life, and you need to get posting quickly to improve it!

When you have a massive post count, it shows that you like to express yourself, and are dedicated to spreading your opinions to others. It shows that you are loyal to your computer and your Internet connection, and that you make the most of it. You don't let your computer gather dust, or let your Internet connection get eaten by rats, but instead you know how to use your time in the best way possible.
When you have a medium post count, it shows you have some idea of how to use your time wisely, but you could improve it. It shows you do stuff away your computer, but all things apart from eating, sleeping, and watching paint dry are not as important as spending time on it. You need to get your priorities right and spend more time with the greatest invention of all time.

If you should happen to have a low post count - or, through some inexplicable reason, have NO post count - your life is in a sad state of affairs. Everything is falling to pieces around you, because you don't spend enough time on the Internet! Drum it into yourself - there is nothing better to do with your time (apart from eating, sleeping, and watching paint dry) than improving your post count! A high post count is critical to functioning properly from day to day. If you don't have one, you need to get one. People have died from low post counts before. Don't allow yourself to become another statistic!

WHAT IS A POST COUNT?


Your post count is not just how many times you have posted on an online messageboard, but an indicator as to your quality of life, and how you spend your time. The size of a post count is a quick indicator as to how someone spends their time, and how life in general is for them.

It is hard to classify exactly what a high, medium, or low post count is. Some boards have been around longer than others, and some people have been at boards less time than others. However, you must make at least ten posts a day for your post count to be adequate. Otherwise, your quality of life and the usage you are getting from your Internet is not good enough. Should you continue to make less than ten posts a day, your life is suffering and you may end up trapped in a steel cage with only a donkey for company if you aren't careful.

Post counts are useful things. You can use them to show your dominance and superiority over other members, if it is large enough. For example;

Person-x (Post count 14): I disagree with you. This messageboard is a Christian one.
You (Post count 3,172): Shut up. What would you know? Look at your pathetic post count, and then look at mine. I obviously know a lot more about this board, and therefore I can tell you for a fact that it is not Christian. Can an inanimate object be Christian? Of course not. Shows what you know, Mr Pathetic Post Count.

Or, if you are new to a board and your post count hasn’t grown much yet, you can use it to get out of tight situations. For example;

You (Post count 14): I disagree with you. This messageboard is a Christian one.
Person-x (Post count 3,172): Shut up. What would you know? Look at your pathetic post count, and then look at mine. I obviously know a lot more about this board, and therefore I can tell you for a fact that it is not Christian. Can an inanimate object be Christian? Of course not. Shows what you know, Mr Pathetic Post Count.
You: Well, sorry. As you can see from my post count, I am a newbie, and so I obviously know less than you, because you have a superior post count. Please forgive me.
Person-x: Of course you’re forgiven. We value members who can recognise when they are wrong.

See? It has its advantages. You can use it to prove you’re correct, or use it to curry favour. The post count is a wonderful device, so get posting!

POSTING STRATEGIES


The first rule of posting is to spam, and to make idiotic posts. Spamming is making obviously pointless posts, and idiotic posts … well, the meaning is obvious. Make stupid random posts with no relevance to the topic of conversation like “YeS mE 2!!!11!!! i ToTlY AgRy WiT u!!!!!111!!1 ChOkLaT iZ dA bEzT!!!111!~!” during a discussion about the flaws of Arminianism. Yes, some may think you are a total moron, and take posts like that as proof that you left your brain in the toaster when you were five, but it boosts your post count, and, as we all know, that will improve your quality of life. If anyone disagrees, shut them up with the superior post count you (should!!!) have.

The following is a selection of other spectacularly intelligent strategies devised during games of blackjack with loafer-wearing geese that will allow you to improve your post count, and, thus, your quality of life and overall satisfaction with existence.

STRATEGY ONE

Post regularly on serious threads, claiming to be testing your signature, but, in reality, do stuff all to it. Just keep on claiming that you’re testing it. Once they consult the nearest printer, people will understand the logic and high intelligence of what you are doing and will respect you greatly. But that is irrelevant. As long as your post count keeps rising, nothing else matters, apart from eating, sleeping, and watching paint dry.

Anyhow, on with an example of what you should do;

Post 1: Testing my sig.

The greatest source of nutrition known to man is discarded CDs found in dumpsters outside McDonald’s outlets in Somalia.

Post 2: Testing again.

The greatest source of nutrition known to man is discarded CDs found in dumpsters outside McDonald’s outlets in Somalia.

Post 3: Lets hope it works this time …

The greatest source of nutrition known to man is discarded CDs found in dumpsters outside McDonald’s outlets in Somalia.

Post 4: Come on! Work, you metallic piece of dog faecal matter!

The greatest source of nutrition known to man is discarded CDs found in dumpsters outside McDonald’s outlets in Somalia.

Post 5: The intense pathetic nature of my signature not working is almost as bad as my brother’s cooking.

The greatest source of nutrition known to man is discarded CDs found in dumpsters outside McDonald’s outlets in Somalia.

Post 6: If it doesn’t work now, I think my legs might fall off and run away.

The greatest source of nutrition known to man is discarded CDs found in dumpsters outside McDonald’s outlets in Somalia.

Post 7: Yes, it worked! Celebrate with me, everyone! Free matchsticks for everyone!

The greatest source of nutrition known to man is discarded CDs found in dumpsters outside McDonald’s outlets in Somalia.


The high intelligence of doing something like that to boost your post count is almost unfathomable, and you’ve boosted your post count and quality of life. This is what living is all about!

STRATEGY TWO

Make blank posts. There is no kind of post quite like it, and nothing else can possibly convey such intelligence. When people see a blank post, they will realise they are dealing with a man/woman/humanoidish-looking-thingymabob with an extremely high intellect that really knows his/her/what gender is a humanoidish-looking-thingymabob? stuff.

As a side note, to answer the above question, ‘what gender is a humanoidish-looking-thingymabob?’, we must delve deep into the wonders of modern archaeology. Yes, MODERN archaeology. That is, archaeology of MODERN things. This type of archaeology was quickly found to have no practical application within five and a half microseconds of its creation, so the creator of it put it to better use, this better use being working out what gender a humanoidish-looking-thingymabob is. This has plagued man- and humanoidish-looking-thingymabobkind for twenty minutes – ever since the humanoidish-looking-thingymabob was created by the inventor of modern archaeology. After intense research that lasted some four minutes, two seconds, and fifty-nine and five eighths microseconds, it was determined that humanoidish-looking-thingymabobs are of the gender λ (lambda). A slide rule has now been tasked with the job of working out what kind of gender λ is, but, after five years, no advance has been made. This is mainly due to the pathetic lack of programs available for slide rules. Slide rule programming has never been a field with more than zero people or humanoidish-looking-thingymabobs in it at once, because it is seen as a dull field to work in, but exciting prospects have appeared: 100 times the amount of people and humanoidish-looking-thingymabobs will be in this field by 3154, or, in other words, zero. This prospect is indeed exciting, and the implications are anticipated to be widely felt. Some think these implications will change how prehistoric apes eat.

Well, now that we’ve gone completely off-track, it’s no point continuing discussion of the previous topic. If you wish to learn more about whatever it was we were initially discussing, please sent a postcard with the word ‘Marmalade’ on it to both moons of Mars. That’s just one postcard with ‘Marmalade’ written on it to both moons of Mars. Just one, not two. Don’t make the same idiotic fatal error I made yesterday. If you make it, you may find yourself writing this tomorrow, and, trust me, this job is the pits. They haven’t paid me in four seconds, I haven’t been given my daily requirement of doughnuts (1,347 instead of 1,347.129). They said they couldn’t find .129 of a doughnut. I think they’re lying to me because they want to keep it for themselves. Don’t they know I may suffer severe weight loss if I don’t get that .129 of a doughnut? Such a catastrophic occurrence must not be allowed to happen! It would be almost as bad as me not making 4,901 posts a day on every messageboard I know of. Speaking of that, I must be going. If I fail to make those 4,901 posts, my quality of life will suffer. The only problem with making so many posts is that, whenever your average posts per day rises, you may not slip back below it because otherwise your quality of life will fall, and, in all countries but Tuvalu, that is a capital offence. In Tuvalu, it is punishable by death, followed by resurrection, followed by slower death. So be careful. Don’t let that quality of life slip. If you do, it will be reasoned, by law, that you do not care for your quality of life, thus you deserve not to have a quality of life. By this logic it is determined that you should not have a life. I don’t understand where those Tuvalu folk get off with the resurrection and slower killing stuff, but they seem to find it fun. Oh look at me! The day’s almost over and I haven’t made my required amount of posts. Must be posting. I shall see you on a messageboard somewhere in the dangerous wilds of the Internet, or near a freshly painted wall, watching the paint dry, but, until then, I bid you adieu.
Tags: humour, satire
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