Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

  • Music:

Cold? Surely not!

Dear Queensland,

My toes feel cold. Apparently it's 19C. Even accounting for all the things that could possibly make it colder in my room, it can't be lower than 15C - in fact, I doubt it's lower than 17C. I'm actually quite comfortable. Except for my poor cold toes.

When I arrived in this state in October 1997, I was a boy who knew no such thing as 'cold'. I was the boy who showed up at school in shorts and t-shirt when the temperature was hovering around 0C. I was the boy who enjoyed the feel of a brisk Wellington breeze blowing through to his bones - makes you feel alive, or just very cold, depending upon your perspective.

I would now like to offer you my most sarcastic thanks for attempting to destroy my tolerance of cold. Thank you for using the last seven and a half years to turn me from a hardy Kiwi boy into someone who enjoys his cold but is losing grasp upon what cold really is. Bloody hell, if you keep doing this, I'll become just like one of the locally manufactured wimps who can't stand temperatures as soon as they drop into single figures. It's 19C - I should be remarking upon how it's a very comfortable autumn evening, not thinking about how my toes are bizarrely cold. Cold! What the zark?

QUEENSLAND, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? WHAT CRUEL JOKE ARE YOU PLAYING?

No respect,
Axver

PS Don't appreciate being stuck here for AT LEAST another four and a half years. Please make this time at least bearable by not destroying my tolerance of cold any further.

---

Dear Tennessee - and as I'll be there for five days, this applies to you too, Massachusetts, and also to any other state I happen to visit,

I know I'm coming there during the first month of summer. This is tremendously inconvenient for someone who likes cold (regardless of what Queensland's doing to me) - really, you couldn't just swap your seasons for me? No, no, I know you're not inclined to do that, especially not at such short notice.

So could you please do me just one favour? Keep the temperatures reasonable. I'm not sure of your average summer (or for Massachusetts, I guess it's actually late spring) temperatures, but 15-20C sounds delightful to me. Just as long as I can arrive back in Queensland and say "haha, evil and devious state, your current temperatures no longer inspire cold in the extremities of my body!", I shall be very happy. I'll even stop the country music jokes. Actually, no I won't. But maybe I'll be nicer about it.

Respectfully,
Axver

---

Dear Kapiti Coast climate,

Please move here. Please? Please please please pleasepleaseplease? I miss you.

Much love,
Axver
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