worriedSo ... I'm stuck. Maybe I'm letting my father walk all over me, I'm too reluctant to stand up to him because I don't want to hurt him, and I'm letting him twist me in my bid to make him pleased and proud. But if I'm just looking out for my own interests, sending him something that I KNOW will cause tension and strife, what does that make me? That's divisive and hurtful, and I don't know if I should do it. Can I do it in good conscience? But can I keep allowing myself to be hurt? No. It makes me feel terrible, and worse, it passes on to those I love, to those I want to protect from pain.
I hate this. It seems that either way, people will end up hurt. I'll end up hurt no matter what I do. I just love my father so much. I wish he saw that. I wish he saw that despite of all his shortcomings, I still admire him for simply being my father. He's still Dad. And for him to make my independence a nightmare is a brutal blow. I'm not letting it stop me, but ... it's still very difficult. Especially because independence has been hard enough as it is and will continue to be very difficult for me. I don't need my father causing problems, I need him to be my father. I wish I had a father, but all I have is Douglas.
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