Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver
  • Mood: worried
  • Music: 'Night And Day (21 March 2003)' by U2

The ongoing saga appropriately ongoes.

I've reached a point where I think I need to take action before this Sunday in the form of an e-mail, but I feel terrible about it. I feel terrible even thinking that I'll do it. I don't want to hurt my father, and doing this is to alleviate my own hurt, it's like I'm being selfish. I don't want to hurt my father and I don't want to act out of self-interest. I just wish he were proud rather than toying with my feelings like this. But it seems there's no pleasing him, and not only is he hurting me, that hurt is now being passed on to those I love. If there's one thing I absolutely will not tolerate, it's people hurting those I love. I don't want to e-mail my father out of anger, though. And the problem is that such an e-mail will hurt someone I love, my father, and it will have come from me.

So ... I'm stuck. Maybe I'm letting my father walk all over me, I'm too reluctant to stand up to him because I don't want to hurt him, and I'm letting him twist me in my bid to make him pleased and proud. But if I'm just looking out for my own interests, sending him something that I KNOW will cause tension and strife, what does that make me? That's divisive and hurtful, and I don't know if I should do it. Can I do it in good conscience? But can I keep allowing myself to be hurt? No. It makes me feel terrible, and worse, it passes on to those I love, to those I want to protect from pain.

I hate this. It seems that either way, people will end up hurt. I'll end up hurt no matter what I do. I just love my father so much. I wish he saw that. I wish he saw that despite of all his shortcomings, I still admire him for simply being my father. He's still Dad. And for him to make my independence a nightmare is a brutal blow. I'm not letting it stop me, but ... it's still very difficult. Especially because independence has been hard enough as it is and will continue to be very difficult for me. I don't need my father causing problems, I need him to be my father. I wish I had a father, but all I have is Douglas.
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