Axver (axver) wrote,

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Oh look, it's an update.

I don't really feel like making an update - even though I'd like to write, I'm short on things to say - but I thought I would still make a post to say how I am, especially because I'm sure a lack of my regular daily post in light of yesterday's one would raise more eyebrows than if I just randomly skipped a day in the middle of a spell of cheerfulness.

I'm doing a lot better today. I'm thinking better, I'm not upset, and I have pretty much gone about things as usual. I burnt some bootlegs, I finished a book, I frequented by usual Internet haunts. I'm contemplating my next course of action. I basically have to choose between 1. pleasing my father while continuing to allow myself to be hurt or 2. hurting my father, which would also hurt me. Rock and a hard place, isn't it? Mum is of the opinion that I should see how the next week or two go before taking any action, but I am not so convinced of that course of action. My father, to me, is acting like everything is alright, and is inviting me to New Zealand in April for my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. I would love to go to the anniversary, but I don't want to see my father or the woman he lives with. They - especially she - will put me on the spot with difficult questions. They do it every trip, and considering the recent events, the questions will be far worse if I did go, and a trip definitely wouldn't repair the relationship. Dad would feel like he's won and he'll take advantage of that.

So anyway. Next Sunday, he wants to know if I'm coming to NZ. I can dance around that one for a while, but still. He'll also continue to act as if everything is alright. It makes him feel morally superior or something of the sort, like he has control over people. I think that if I should stand up to him, I should do it now, especially while everything is fresh. I think I should send an e-mail, and while I was on the verge of sending an angry one before I descended into sadness this time two nights ago, I now think I'm in a position where I can write out something calm and reasonable that may soften the blow for both of us. I really do think I should do something rather than just leaving the issue and monitoring his behaviour. I can predict how he'll behave. Maybe because we're similar by virtue of being father and son. I want to fix that. I don't want his negative traits. May take more analysing of my own character and actions to remedy that.

This makes me sad, you know. Part of me is still the little boy who looks up to his father, who wants to be just like Dad, and an even larger part of me wants to make him proud of his son. I wish I could genuinely say that wanting to be like my father was a good thing. I wish I could still look up to him and I wish I could make him proud. Regardless of whether or not I should, I still love him, I still want a relationship with him, and I don't want to inflict any hurt, or - the thought I hate to even entertain - not have him in my life.

This has become far longer than I ever intended for it to be, but rambling's healthy.

Have a good one, folks.
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