Axver (axver) wrote,

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Yes, if I know the truth about you ...

There are a lot of lies circulating in the LiveJournal world and the one currently capturing everybody's attention is that the prolonged LiveJournal absence of 15 January was caused by a dramatic power outage. Even official sources have been bribed into promoting this lie as truth. It's hard to believe anyone has accepted it as even plausible, for we all know LiveJournal is crucial to survival and no-one would be daft enough to even threaten its electricity supply. So while the vast majority of LiveJournal are swallowing this deception as truth or putting on tinfoil hats and blaming Six Apart, those of us at Axver Enterprises (namely myself and my U2 bootlegs) know what really happened. Here's how we came to discern the truth.

At first, we feared that perhaps vermin such as rice, mats, and stolidlimeberry had entered the facility and were gnawing away at the storage discs and wiring, but upon conducting a swift but comprehensive study, we found the integrity of all systems was satisfactory. A couple contained ratings communities and all lacked a supply of electricity, but we dismissed these as inconsequential details that could potentially result in red herrings that would lead us away from the truth.

The next step was to assume the worst about purplicious, but we quickly learnt that she had been unable to launch her Attack Of The Purple as all her attempts to genetically modify penguins to be purple had been unsuccessful. While we are intrigued that she will most likely develop purple penguins within the coming weeks, we do not consider them to be a threat to the LiveJournal system as we shall be employing them in the services of the Axver And Kate For Co-Dictators campaign.

Our next suspects were themegs and ananda_daydream, as there was a distinct possibility impersonators of their fandoms had convinced them to attack the Internet with broken guitar strings, white face paint, and fuzzy purple sweaters, causing LiveJournal to run away and hide from the world in a Mongolian cave. The case for this was strengthened when we discovered the two had recently parted company, presumably to conduct a grand endeavour as they are normally inseparable, but our hopes were dashed when we learnt of themegs's injury in New York on the 14th. Obviously, even if they had been conspiring to wreak havoc, they would not have been able to undertake any such proceedings and were cleared of all wrongdoing.

We then thought that light_so_bright and light_so_yellow had simply dazzled LiveJournal with too much light and it had gone blind, creating the impression of a power failure, but dismissed this possibility as far too lame. All inquiries relating to paradoxicalbum resulted in confusingly lame dreams at nearby theatres, renne hindered all attempts to question Australian LiveJournalists, and when theelk morphed from a human contained as data within LiveJournal into a large elk prancing in the street and kicking Frank the Goat, we realised this paragraph was excessively lame and brought it to an abrupt conclusion.

athanasius7 would have been questioned, but he was obviously far too engrossed in building a time travel machine to allow him to return to the time of G. K. Chesterton that he could not have been even utilising LiveJournal, let alone causing its temporary downfall.

Fortunately for him, screendoor3 had only just returned from an extended leave, and as we know, anyone so inundated by entries on one's friends page and spam comment notifications in one's inbox could never commit such a heinous crime. We therefore did not place any suspicion of guilt upon his shoulders. We did initially place some upon his knee but then decided it didn't belong anywhere near him and took it away. At first, we were going to place it near cat_incarnate, but when her pets informed us that they thought it looked like a comfortable place to sleep and we discovered her books were about to rebel against her anyway, we decided to just put the suspicion back in the cupboard and keep it for a later date.

As we put away the suspicion, feasted upon biscuits, chocolate, cake, and the grass Frank had rejected last night, and consumed excessive amounts of water, we stumbled across a revelation. It came from a holy man parading through the city under the slogan of "I can't believe he's not Jesus!" and was very simple, not to mention Jesustastic. So simple and Jesustastic that it had to be true. We celebrated, jubilant that we had ascertained the facts behind LiveJournal's short-lived demise.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is only one conclusion. The reason for LiveJournal's absense was to allow the following sentence to be posted in my journal:


End of story. Full stop. QED. Return to your journals.
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