Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
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2004: Is it like a tape recorder? Can we rewind it just twice more?

Continuing from yesterday ...

The Best Of André Axver-Withoutalastname For 2004
Part II of III


23-04, from a satire you should read: RaptureReady.com, in shock at seeing Jenkins stole its abbreviation and unwilling to sue its pretribber brethren, has raptured itself out of existence. Festivities continue in most parts of the world.

24-04, call the funeral home: Turns out my pulse is very hard to find and that I am dead. Please feel free to mourn my death now.

02-05, believe it or not, Christians are humans too: The Christians, those humanoid beings with whom we share the planet, may look and appear human, but they are not of this world. It was simply thought to be common sense to assume they were not human.

12-05, my attitude towards laundry: There should be a permanent reminder in my room, written in extremely large font and in a very obvious location. It would read "Axver, when did you last change your clothes? If you cannot remember, CHANGE THEM!" It's not that I'm a dirty slob, it's that I think if something looks and smells good enough to wear four days in a row, I'll wear it four days in a row. No need to put on too many loads of laundry.

14-05, quite a dream: Had a bloody weird dream last night. You know those Hairy McClairy children's books? Yeah, well that's who I dreamt I was ... just I was an egg, not a dog. Then I got put in a Caesar salad. My imagination has problems.

22-05, an interesting argument in favour of Christianity on the basis of the church's existence: If it was man-made, it had the stupidest founders in history. These uneducated twits decided not to base some fancy new religion around some glorious victory but around some bloke who annoyed the authorities and was crucified in a Roman backwater. Then these daft fellows thought he'd risen from the dead and ran around proclaiming a victory. They tried to spread their religion based around some fellow who died and managed to have it outlawed by the Romans. Real smart move there. They preached all those things that come so easily to humans, such as forgiveness, not seeking revenge, not satisfying lusts, and giving away wealth. Such an easy thing to commit to! And then they met in secret just to eat some meal, and guess what? If you got caught going there, you'd get arrested and turned into a torch in Nero's garden!

24-06, guess what? Seasons occur at different times in the southern hemisphere than they do in the northern hemisphere! Read it. The ignorance of some people is hysterical.

02-07, the bubblised, radical fundamentalist Protestant's ten commandments: 1. Retreat thyself from society and practice exclusion of those who art heathen.
2. Pardon not thy brother's sins; instead condemn him to Hell for all eternity.
3. Do not listen to music that is from Satan, that being all secular music and most Christian music.
4. Do not permit thyself to read any Bible version apart from the Authorised 1611 King James Version, not even the original texts. These are of Satan, only the KJV is My unaltered word.
5. Love thy neighbour, but only if thy neighbour is a KJV-Only-ist Protestant as thou art.
6. Hate Catholics and pay no attention to their arguments, for that will only lead you unto delusion and truth.
7. Hold hate rallies and fervently practice thy hate. Homosexuals and Muslims are two targets given unto thou.
8. Condemn all those who are not Pre-Tribulation Rapturist as heretick and do not associate thyself with them.
9. Thou shalt murder, but only abortion doctors.
10. I am thy God and thou shalt bow down to My mouthpiece, Tim LaHaye.

18-07, this one got me metaquoted: In the same conversation, I made a classic quote that I feel should be enshrined for all history in an LJ entry: "I think calculus is like sticking a fork up your arse - you can do it, but most people find it hurts too much so they don't."

21-07, the 'Are you Axver?' checklist: 1. People throw rolls of possibly used and very much discoloured toilet paper at you.
2. Small children near you scream, but unlikely due to any fault of your own.
3. Larger children named Sam and Tom hiss like cats around you and attempt to pierce oranges with straws.
[...]
5. You find great amusement in listening to something on the radio that consists of nothing but electronic noises and yet still has a chorus of "I'm a slave to the music." Where, praytell, is the music to be enslaved by?
6. Upon listening to some horrible modern cover of Black Betty, you check to make sure no-one's trying to chainsaw through the roof of the car in which you are travelling.
[...]
9. You have friends who will rip up empty juice cartons in the middle of a lesson on complex maths and then tell you to chew on a piece of the ripped carton.

29-07, how to arrive to the formal in style and the oddity that is the after-party: On a totally different note, the formal is on Saturday night, and of course, it is very much the topic of conversation. Now, let me say this - if you are going to waste your money on a special mode of transport to arrive, at least do it in style. No, I don't mean a limousine. I'm talking about borrowing the world's worst car or riding in a shopping trolley. If that's not quite your style, consider the broad range of tanks available to you from a large number of the world's armies. Investigate the possibility of loaning a Harrier jumpjet from the British. If you feel vindictive towards your grade and would like to ruin the evening for all of them, parachute in but forget to pull the ripcord. Please be advised that in the last option, momentary pain and certain death are side effects, but I am sure the most vindictive out there would not consider this to be detrimental.

Furthermore, what is with the after-party? I truly do not get this concept. A party after a party? Wow, bucketloads of sense there! I'm now going to go to an after-movie, buy my after-popcorn, snort after-frozen Coke through my after-nose at a funny after-scene, then make my after-way out to my after-car, drive to my after-home, and after-sleep in my after-bed. Good AFTERnoon to you all.

30-07, my response to a typical reason for drug use: Often, I see people justifying their behaviour by saying they might as well try it once, or they want to see what it's like, or something equally inane such as that. That logic really does not work once you investigate it properly. Just because something is available doesn't mean it should be tried, and indeed, if that is all you have to justify behaviour, then you clearly should not be acting in the way you are. You could jump off a cliff to see what it's like, but are you going to?

02-08, Pervez Musharraf baffles teenagers: Confuse your geography class! Say the following: "After Russia and China threatened to veto the resolution [against the Sudanese government over atrocities in Darfur] due to the [strong] wording, the USA removed the word 'sanctions' from the draft submission and it passed 13-0. That means there were two abstentions - China and Pakistan. And why did Pakistan abstain? Well, guess where Pervez Musharraf is! He's meeting with the regime in Khartoum!" I got a series of blank looks and one "You totally lost me." I think 'Pervez Musharraf' did it.

06-08, a deep entry on the imperfection of humanity.

07-08, on how I became a U2 fanatic.

12-08, a world with messed-up priorities: I am sure that prick in your English class or the ignoramus you work with is far more aggravating than BEING RULED BY A BLOODY TYRANT. I'm so sure of that that I would like to take you to Darfur or Sierra Leone or Chad right now and see if you still have the same perspective when you get back.

21-08, an entry with a random quote to begin and then a humorous rant: [The quote] Lauren: Haha, I thought you wrote an entry on your ass. See, I had this IM window up and I'm on LJ and I saw "My assignment", but I only saw the first part and it said "My ass".
Me: Yes, I regularly write entries about my ass. It's currently grazing on the lawn with a donkey and a mule.

[Sample of the rant] This clearly reveals a fundamental truth about society: the way you behave around a rubbish bin determines the quality of your character, and a single act will doom your status with all other mortals forever. Not only this, but it will negatively impact upon the entire secular world's view of your religion and you shall be called out in judgement as a pathetic representative of a pathetic set of beliefs.

24-08, with regards to the problem and necessity of suffering: Playing the blame game doesn't help anyone, and yelling at God won't get you anywhere ... I would like to propose an idea, one that may seem a bit odd at first: without suffering, love could not reasonably exist or be felt to its full potential ... Furthermore, without suffering, where are the great acts and the great minds? If everything is a bed of roses, why would you consider philosophy, or the deep things of life, or anything like that?

In which I show I can argue on both political sides of the fence and see multiple viewpoints:
A response to Time opinion articles, Part I, replying to 'The Case For Bush' (02-09) and Part II, replying to 'The Case Against Him' (03-09).

Newsflash: NO WAR BROKE OUT ON 11 SEPTEMBER 2001.
[...]
Winston Churchill was a brilliant orator. Adolf Hitler was a brilliant orator. George Bush is the man who has declared that every American faeces is sacred. That speaks for itself.
[...]
It's one thing to say "Bush was immature even when he was 40;" it's quite another to say "Bush was immature even when he was 40, and this made him a bad President because of [reason] and thus he should not be given a second term."
[...]
Is [Bush] the military strategician planning attacks? Is he the soldier in Tora Bora, searching for Osama? Is he the fellow sorting through intelligence, looking for significant details? Or is he simply the guy who is presented with options devised by others and then approves them to be carried out by others? Ultimately, just because he approves something, is he responsible for the way it was presented to him or the mistakes and accomplishments of those delegated with the task of carrying it out? Those questions need to be asked.

10-09, my ultimate U2 setlist.

13-09, advertising school subjects: I can see the marketing campaign now ...

Modern History - we invent the facts for you!
English - invent the facts yourself!

26-09, thoughts on logic, faith, and absolutes: You can make all kinds of claims that we live in some matrix or whatever else you want to come up with, but you can't prove it at all, and just because you throw around a lot of questions doesn't make you any more right.
[...]
I guess you live too much by logic and reason when you reject all forms of faith. If you live wholly and completely by logic, you would become lost in a myriad of questions that are actually totally illogical and downright silly. Some faith is necessary, simply to accept existence, reality, sensation, and so forth.
[...]
Some absolutes may not be able to be proven to you, but I ask you, what constitutes proof? If you are just going to keep questioning and questioning, you will eventually destroy the whole foundation upon which you stand. You will have nothing left but questions to which you will not accept any answers; life will be a swirling and incomprehensible mix of confusion without anything to support it.
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