Ladies and gentlemen, if one thing is clear, it is this: penguins should be orange with blue polka dots.
Why? Well, just look at the typical image of the penguin as it is presented to us humans, that of the Emperor penguin with its white stomach, black back and head, and the strange yellow blurring effect right at the top of the white stomach. We all know that black is the absence of colour and white is the exact opposite, and one has to wonder how this could possibly exist on the skin of one animal. You can't lack every colour and have a combination of all of them at the same time. Come on God, what were you thinking, creating such a contradictory creature? However, it would be quite alright, for contradiction is balance. Would be alright. But it's NOT. Oh no. That strange yellow blurring just has to come in and crash the party; it just has to defile and destroy the fragile contradiction. See for yourself!
Isn't it just so EVIL? It's enough to make one want to cringe in revulsion and then weep for the death of the fragile contradiction. Yes, feel free to grab a tissue.
Before you despair too much, realise that THERE IS A SOLUTION. YES! There is a solution to this disastrous situation! We need to change the colour of all penguins; this isn't just a nice idea, this is an essential requirement! So what colour shall we choose?
Red? No, looks too much like blood. Pink? If you were a male penguin, I don't think you'd like that idea.
However, one colour simply is not enough. All of the penguins would look so bland. For this reason, we must add blue polka dots! Why blue, when I just emphatically ruled it out above? Well, the penguins need some camouflage (for example, their black backs are nice camouflage at night), and with the two major Antarctic colours, black and white, already ruled out due to past usage, blue is left as the camouflage colour. And why polka dots? Well why not? If you arrange them correctly, they could look like the buttons of a suit! Or you could splotch them haphazardly and give the appearance of a miscoloured, misshapen leopard. Or you could put just one on the back of its head as a form of headwear. There are so many things you can do with blue polka dots that you would be insane not to include them!
Oh, and what about the beak? That's purple, just so purplicious doesn't yell at me for my earlier comment.
Forget contradictory black and white penguins with the devastating yellow blur. It is clear that using modern genetic technology, we must make all penguins in the world orange with blue polka dots and purple beaks.
In other news today ...
- I would like to reiterate the news of the last couple of days and tell all of you that How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb is an absolutely incredible album and every person reading this should buy a copy.
- I proved today why I am top of Geography by completing a two hour exam for which I had not studied in just an hour.
- I have finally found a song that I can sing, U2's Numb. Well ... maybe 'sing' is the wrong term. I don't think a monotone really counts as singing.
- I have just noticed all four of these points begin with 'I'. I am such a self-centred bastard. Where is a cliff off which to throw myself? Oh dear, that one doesn't have enough sharp rocks at the bottom. Forget that idea then. I shall inflict myself upon humanity for the natural length of my life. Fear my usage of 'I'.