Axver (axver) wrote,

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The music of rebellion makes you want to rage, but it's made by millionaires who are twice your age.

I've come down off my Vertigo-induced high. I'm back to listening to other music. Feel relieved. You know a band is good when I finally cave in and download WinAmp 5 to listen to them, and that's just what happened with Porcupine Tree - my beloved WinAmp 3 does not support M4A format. The Sound Of Muzak is a work of genius - "Hear the sound of music drifting in the aisles/Elevator prozac stretching on for miles/The music of the future will not entertain/It's only meant to repress and neutralise your brain." I love this song.

For the record, I still prefer WinAmp 3. I find it much more user-friendly, pleasant to use, and easy on the eye. Maybe I'll get off my lazy butt and find an M4A plugin for it. A FLAC plugin might be nice too.

Anyway. I feel the total opposite of motivation today. I just want to sit here and stare straight into nothingness. Jamie came around this afternoon, which interrupted my quite pleasant self-existence in my room. I simply don't feel social. That may seem incomprehensible to the extroverts out there, but I'm sure some of you understand where I'm coming from. I enjoy being by myself, here in my room, listening to my music, reading my books, writing, and communicating through the written word. I have come to suspect that while I accuse others of slipping into apathy and only focusing on the world within their city or social group, I have done the opposite and rejected my city and those people around me.

I really don't feel like writing this today. I don't know why I am continuing to type. I have no motivation or energy at all. I have things to do, but I just want to collapse for a while and let things go by. I still haven't applied for university yet. Better get on top of that by Thursday, though my current attitude isn't aiding me there. I have assignments to do, and I need to get stuck into them, but my mind just rebels against them and can't focus. It's becoming quite bad. I'm losing interest in a lot of things, sometimes through a lack of any initial caring, and sometimes through an overdose of it. I was going to respond to those of you who don't believe The Edge is really posting at Interference, but I just don't care any more. I believe it's The Edge and I don't have the motivation to get into an argument about it tonight. All logic points towards it being him, so that's good enough for me. [So we were deceived. Move on to the rest of the entry.]

Logic. I wonder if I base my life too much on that. I'm sometimes told I do, but when I think about it, I'm not sure it's actually possible. I guess it's another one of those things I can't be bothered arguing with. Like those claims we can't know anything, that nothing is certain, and so forth. That's just not worth my time debating, because it's ignorant of everything I detect with my senses and process through logic and reason. You can make all kinds of claims that we live in some matrix or whatever else you want to come up with, but you can't prove it at all, and just because you throw around a lot of questions doesn't make you any more right. You can claim little blue aliens with four legs are flying to earth, located on the far side of a comet we can't see, and when they pass by earth, they'll use their amazing teleportation beams to transport us all to their home planet. I can't disprove that because we can't see to the other side of the comet. There's no way I can actually debunk your theory with counter-proof. However, it's that ridiculous it's obviously not true.

Also, I feel everyone needs an element of faith. I guess you live too much by logic and reason when you reject all forms of faith. If you live wholly and completely by logic, you would become lost in a myriad of questions that are actually totally illogical and downright silly. Some faith is necessary, simply to accept existence, reality, sensation, and so forth. I don't know why some people aren't willing to accept that. That is what I refer to when people question too much. It's questioning the bleeding obvious. Does one plus one equal two? Of course it equals two. I don't know why you'd even ask. Mathematics is a beautiful thing because it is precise and absolute; it may be confusing at times, but when you get down to it, once you grasp a concept you can very quickly recognise its absolute nature. It is a fantastic representation of the existence of absolutes. Some absolutes may not be able to be proven to you, but I ask you, what constitutes proof? If you are just going to keep questioning and questioning, you will eventually destroy the whole foundation upon which you stand. You will have nothing left but questions to which you will not accept any answers; life will be a swirling and incomprehensible mix of confusion without anything to support it.

Let me make it clear I have nothing against questioning. In most contexts, it is healthy. However, you need a foundation to begin questioning from. Establish that first, rather than smashing it from beneath your feet. Accept what is around you and let yourself find your feet - then you may just come to understanding. If you shatter all that is beneath you, you will just keep questioning yourself into total confusion.

I've avoided religious overtones for this whole entry, but I must insert something here. If you believe in an absolute Creator, a logical extension of his existence would be the existence of absolutes. There is no relativism within God, and the creation reveals the Creator. In some ways, creation is wonderfully absolute. Look at the ground beneath your feet. It proves my point perfectly.

Some things, however, are a bit harder to take in. Some things ... I'm struggling with. There are some things I need to let sink in. Right now, I don't want to rage or question. I just want to accept, and that might take some time, because I have learnt some things are hard to accept.

And you want to know something? I'm glad I kept writing, despite my lack of motivation, because that felt good. Have a good night, everyone.
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