Axver (axver) wrote,

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This is the subject line for today.

Tasks to do;
- Complete research notes for a Modern History assignment. By Monday.
- Start and finish Geography assignment. By 1 October, preferably earlier.
- Start and finish SOR assignment. By 1 October, preferably earlier.
- Write article on U2 setlist requirements and expectations, as soon as possible.
- Write article on how the book of Job connects Wake Up Dead Man and Beautiful Day, as soon as possible.
- Write speech on "the future of the UN." By 4 October, preferably earlier.

Bah, and I wanted time off. I need it. I need to just collapse and not have anything on my mind, but going to Melbourne TOTALLY screws that up. I'm going to hate this holiday, I can feel it now. I'm losing time out of my holidays that I couldn't afford to lose and missing the release of Vertigo for WHAT? A football game of a code I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT.

I'm excited at the same time, but the fact I lose a stack of time I really needed pisses me off. Especially seeing I won't have any worthwhile computer access - calling into an Internet cafe to update LJ doesn't really mean much. Hopefully I'll be able to do some of this by hand, and also, I'll get some reading done that I've been wanting to do for a long time, namely Shakespeare's Othello and Dante's Divine Comedy.

The best website I've seen all year.

It's coming, folks. It really is. And 'fess up, U2 fans - how long did you sit there staring at it? All I'll say is that I have been watching it longer than I really should and have squeed smiled every time it has ticked down another minute. Look what a long wait does to you. It sends you insane.

I've noticed that a few of my latest entries have been more personal than the standard has been for quite a while, and it raises an interesting point in my head - I wouldn't go so far as to label this a political journal, especially not with the fanladish U2 content, but it's not really all too personal either. Ever since I first began this, it has been a reflection of me, and the fact it has markedly decreased in how personal it is has coincided with my slip into a very detached personality. I simply observe and let events pass me by. Sure, I've felt depressed, significantly so at times, but it's been very general, an inexplicable and negative emotion disconnected from specifics or reasons. I feel like my emotions have been lacking and my grasp on time has been poor; I have descended into this world I have built, perhaps to protect myself from hurt, perhaps to make things easier, perhaps for another reason. In this world, I don't have to worry about life, but rather, I seek to explain it, to discern and debate why things are, and I don't really feel anything. The only passion I really have is for U2, and even then, I think it is not full of the urgency it once contained. I desire a lot of things, but these are general and unfocused desires aimed at what I consider would be 'better'.

So, I've been assessing things, and I have come to two realisations.

1. I am socially worthless. Let me explain, because I don't mean that to be some sentence designed to evoke pity. I have my world built around me that is a direct result of my introverted, shy, intellectual nature. In doing so, I have become a person who can quite happily and easily engage in a serious discussion, enter into political and historical debate, and become involved in conversations of important and deep matters. However, I can't make small talk, and that's what I mean by being socially worthless. Put me in a social situation, and I can't cope. The German speaking and writing exams are very good examples of that. I get stuck on them not because I don't have the German vocabulary, but because I wouldn't have much to say in English in the first place. For example, if you asked me "what do you eat?", I really don't have an answer. I eat FOOD. What do you THINK I eat? How about "where would you like to go on holiday?" I'd rather stay home, thanks. "What do you do?" Well, nothing much really. "What is your opinion with regards to the historical events that led to the rise and then fall of communism in the eastern bloc?" NOW YOU'RE TALKING! In our German writing task, we write about bland, everyday things I don't care about - writing 200 words of English about a dream holiday is impossible for me, let alone writing those words in German! Other people may have heaps to say, but I have NOTHING. If, however, we were taught how to write serious, academic essays, I would be hard-pressed to complete my task within the given time. I had to pull out of a German speaking competition because I couldn't even think of three English sentences with regards to future plans. "What happens, happens" doesn't equate to three and a half minutes in either language.

2. I have always seen everything in black and white; there is a right and wrong, true or false for EVERY SINGLE SITUATION. I fervently believe that. The statement "my LJ screen name is axver" is either true or false, no way around it, and that is how I feel about everything. Everything is not relative; it is absolute because he who created it is absolute, the created object contains the imprint of the creator. So I have seen this very clear black and white ... and when, as I continued to question myself and everything around me, it began to blur, I started to worry. Was the foundation of my very existence crumbling from beneath my feet? Was it really all grey, a messy and indistinguishible blur filled with uncertainty? No, of course it wasn't. I just wasn't seing the black and white correctly. It's a chess board, if you will, an immense one with tiny little squares, and if you stand back far enough, the squares blur into each other. You can no longer distinguish the black and the white - the absolute black and white reality is obscured by an imprecise grey distortion. There is grey, but it's only a result of losing sight of the black and white.

I firmly believe both of those. They don't even really seem connected. Maybe this entry doesn't cohesively come together, and some points just seem to jump out of nowhere. That's probably quite reflective of my mind at this point in time. Yet again, my LJ reflects who I am.

Now I better go make dinner before I totally forget.
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