I feel like a failure for quitting these two subjects. I did want to see them through to the end, and to be frank, there's some selfish emotion in there. I am somewhat afraid that others will think I am less intelligent for giving up and will assume I was struggling. It's true that I was struggling, but that's because I was not interested and thus my brain would not retain information and I could not motivate myself to even seriously contemplate studying. No-one will remember the days of grade nine when I was easily the top mathematics student, and while I don't necessarily care if they do or not, I do not want to be thought of as poor at maths. It's selfish, I know that, but I don't want people to believe something that's simply not true. My results from the years I was interested speak for themselves.
But that's not the major part. Well, the failure part hints at it. At the start of this year, I said I was going to focus on my work and achieve my absolute potential. I was going to do my homework, study everything and know my subjects back-to-front, and set a goal of topping all my subjects. Essentially, I planned to be as bloody brilliant as I could be. I was particularly aiming to top Maths B and C just to prove a point that two years of Mr Capper hadn't caused me to so totally tune out that I lost my ability.
Of course, like many things in life, it didn't work out quite how I said I wanted it to. A vicious combination of procrastination, Internet addiction, laziness, and various other factors wholly under my control led me to the underachieving position I'm in today. So it's basically my fault that I am where I am. I'm disappointed. I feel like I've let myself down by so miserably missing my goals, and I feel neglectful because I am not doing all I am capable of. I had these dreams I desired to fulfill, and I have gone in a totally different direction simply because I slackened off and found the computer to be allurring.
That said, it's not all disappointment and woe. Oh, not at all. I'M NO LONGER DOING MATHS. Who wouldn't be happy about that? Sure, I feel like a quitter and a failure for throwing in the towel on a subject I once loved and wanted to top, but NO MORE MATHS. It's a weight off my shoulders. It reduces my workload. It takes a lot of monotony out of my day. I'm very pleased with that indeed.
In some ways, I am where I want to be. I'll be going to university next year, most likely studying a course I really want to study. I may not have achieved as much as I would have wanted to, but I haven't spent hours and hours slaving over work, and regardless of what course I initially get into, I will fulfill my dream of studying journalism and becoming a journalist at some point. I've been doing what I enjoy, I feel I have expanded my mind in ways I would not have done had I been buried in a mathematics textbook, and I have come to acutely realise the system is a farce and the folly of chasing after marks.
It's a quite perplexing situation. On the one hand, I feel like a failure and a quiiter who has underachieved, but on the other hand, I feel accomplished and comfortable, knowing I have put my time to use in ways I have enjoyed. As I have said a lot recently, contradiction is balance. And I guess everything works out the way it's meant to work out.
On a totally different note, I downloaded the 26 December 1989, Dublin concert in SHN a couple of days ago. It's official: I'm never listening to an MP3-sourced bootleg ever again unless forced to by necessity. The deal was sealed a good few months ago, but this ... this blew me away. My MP3s of this gig suddenly look so inferior. Mmm, stereo sound through my headphones right into my ear ... it's a beautiful thing. The last 2:30 of One Tree Hill sound even more amazing than ever, and now I say more than ever that this is possibly the best live performance of any song by any band. I've always been biased towards that song. And what is up with All Along The Watchtower? That's mindblowing. I know Bono's not great on the guitar, but if I didn't know that, I'd swear there were two guitars. Edge does a wonderful job. Though One Tree Hill is still better.
That's my little bit of fanladish gushing for the day.