scaredToday was not a good day, but I just spent about two hours replying to LJ comments and that made me feel significantly better. So thanks to you all, especially to
purplicious and stolidlimeberry, with their awesome attacks upon the general sanity of my journal.I fear my introversion has taken a marked turn for the worse. I don't know what's wrong with me, I really don't. But I just want to turn and hide somewhere, to stay in the sanctuary of all that I have established around me. I have a really hard time wanting to stay in a class because I am getting so nervous about it. I've lost my motivation to do work, I'm starting to actually become afraid of interaction, I simply feel uncomfortable, and I'd like to retreat into a hole and hide there for about a month until I'll ready to come out and face the world again.
This has got to STOP. I've always been shy and introverted - that's simply part of my nature. Unless I'm up debating or public speaking, I am inherently shy around people and that's all there is to it. There's no changing that, and it's never been much of a problem until very recently. I still felt somewhat comfortable in class, and while I didn't interact all too much, I just hung to the side and didn't want to hide. I'd still try to involve myself sometimes. But now ... I want to creep into a hole and have nothing to do with the world. It is TOTALLY irrational, it makes NO sense whatsoever, and I don't know what the hell is going on. I wish I did. Some explanation would be nice, and so would an end to the paranoia and restrictive worry. But for now, I'll take my hole away from the world, thankyouverymuch.
(Oh, I am also aware of just how ironic it is that I have the reverse of most people. I've never understood why public speaking is so terrifying. It's dead simple and you get to tell people what to think. What more could you ask for? I'll tell a crowd a speech or present a case in debating, but I would be much happier if I didn't have to mingle with them afterwards.)
Bah. I'm also failing to fulfill all my commitments, which makes me feel really bad. I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts, because it results in very bad things. There wasn't even anyone at school today to vent to, just ongoing relationship dramas to hear about.
I need a long holiday. The spring holidays simply won't be long enough, and they are completely too far away.
Urgh, this feels so pathetic. Goodbye.
