March 3rd, 2008

Amak Axver

To hell with it all.

What a year. I've just had enough. On Saturday, my mother had to go to hospital again. I didn't mention it in my last entry because I had very few details at hand. She feared she was suffering the onset of another attack of the pancreatitis, so she admitted herself to hospital and they monitored her condition. Much to my relief, it was not her pancreas playing up, but of course, it was something else, some issue relating to old internal scar tissue actually. The doctors have now let her return home as they believe the issue will work itself out, and if the pain reappears, they can treat it. That's more heartening than the whole pancreatitis matter, which can only be controlled rather than cured. Still, having to go to hospital again just makes me even more worried about my mother's health.

I suppose one positive is that one of the machines that Mum was plugged into kept being set off by how strong her heartbeat is. Apparently she has the heart of a super-fit person. I can't say I'm surprised. She used to do marathons and triathlons and all that sort of stuff when she was younger, and she still walks and cycles considerably. I'm sure she'd still at least be doing half-marathons if her health were better. So while her pancreas is stuffed, her heart is very strong.

It's just one of life's cruel jokes, isn't it? Here's a woman not even fifty who does all the right things, exercises frequently and eats well, ending up in hospital and having to implement all kinds of radical and undesirable diet changes to cater to some stupid condition she got anyway, while there's probably some 50+ year old wanker out there who smokes, gets sloshed nightly, eats abysmally, never exercises more than lifting the TV remote, and hasn't had a single health issue in their life. And here I am, down in Melbourne, unable to much beyond offer my concern and sympathy on the phone. I hate being so bloody far away. If I were in Brisbane, I could at least jump on a train down to the Gold Coast. I wouldn't trade living in Melbourne for anything, but it's times like these that I feel every second of the 18 hour drive between Melbourne and Queensland very acutely. What's next, you know?

If her health holds up, she's coming to Melbourne for a few days next week. I'm very happy about that. And then, of course, I'm going to Brisbane in late April to see Porcupine Tree with her. Speaking of Porcupine Tree, their new live release, We Lost The Skyline, is simply amazing. It's just over 30 minutes of only Steven Wilson and John Wesley performing a stripped-down set at a record store appearance. The songs are rearranged and sound fantastic. Drown With Me in particular has struck a chord with me; SW and Wes vocally interact in an eerily beautiful way during the "resting there in a stream/buried in green" portion. I would have loved to have heard them do the third part of Anesthetize too, but you can't have everything; all the tracks here are absolutely fantastic. I've played this a lot and it has brought me some measure of cheer this weekend. Immersing myself in music seems to be healthy. The cricket today was also very entertaining, with Sachin Tendulkar scoring a fantastic century to take India to victory over Australia. Small pleasures like that are important.

Small pleasures can only do so much, though. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of 2008 already. I've already had one bad year. I feel so much worry and concern, and I just hope there's no more because I couldn't take it. University starts tomorrow. Today, actually; it's early Monday already. Perhaps I can just immerse myself in my studies and lose myself inside my mind. I'll still worry though, no matter what I do. I'm so worn out. I'm sorry, I have e-mails and LJ comments to reply to, but I just am not up to it. I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll wake up to something better.