January 28th, 2005

Amak Axver

I keep reusing this subject line, but the blood really does run thin from father to son.

I never cease to amaze myself with my wonderful ability to do completely nothing. The more time I have, the less I do. I was just thinking about how I would normally be going back to school now, thinking about how time had just shot by, and I realised that ever since I finished high school on 19 November, I have done NOTHING. I've had so much to do, but I have somehow managed to do even less than normal. I have all the time in the world, and yet it seems that for every extra second I have, my productivity rate decreases a little. I even have stacks of LJ comments in my inbox that deserve replies and I simply haven't even read them. What do I do with my time? I'm not even sure of the answer to that. In over two months, I could have done great things, but instead, I've done precious little.

This train of thought was prompted by a little bit of paranoia in my mind. A little bit of paranoia that I am sick of having. My father will be calling on Sunday as per usual, and just like every Sunday, I'll have to try to make it sound like I've done more than I actually have. He'll be wanting to know what I've done, where I've been, how many jobs I have applied for, how much succeess I have had ... and I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of my thoughts and behaviours being influenced, to an extent, by him. I know I need a job, and I'm working on it. Though if I told my father the truth, he'd think I'm not working on anything. And sometimes, time does just pass me by and I don't notice. I didn't realise it was already Friday until Mum told me.

Too often, my mind becomes occupied with "what will Dad say?" and "how can I tell Dad in a way that won't make him really angry?" I plan to be in the US for what will total to about 1.5-2 months. My father's not stupid - he'll know I won't be going to that many U2 shows. I've no idea how I am meant to explain away this long trip. I would LOVE to tell him to go away, get out of my life, and let me make my own decisions without his continual criticism, but it would hurt me too much to do that. And I wouldn't mean it. I want my father in my life. I like talking to him about sport and politics and all kinds of other topics because he is pretty knowledgeable. I just don't want to always be worrying about how he'll react to a decision or scripting phone calls in my head. That's a real bother.

Some parents don't have a clue, and I have come to the conclusion that in some respects, my father is one of them.

Now I need to go find something to do. I have been a little bit productive lately - I have been adding setlists and ratings for bootlegs on Axver's U2 Trading Website and organising some trades. I think I'll add some more concerts and then read a book. I need to finish reading Winston's Folly by Christopher Catherwood. All of you should read it. You don't need to be a genius to spot the parallels between the way the British handled their Mesopotamian mandate and how the US is behaving in Iraq today.

--- 7:30pm ---

Also, must add that my current music is abso-bloody-lutely sensational and I've repeated it five times now. Why didn't U2 do this more often? In the middle of All I Want Is You, they suddenly slip effortlessly into the middle of Bad, before Bono starts desperately screaming out "All I want is you" and variations thereof during Bad's climax. In the process, they create one incredibly twisted song about heroin addiction, something that makes Wire and Running To Stand Still look positively pleasant in comparison. People talk about An Cat Dubh/Into The Heart and The Cry/The Electric Co. as if they are the be-all and end-all of U2 songs that are inextricably connected, but this so easily tops that.

Lovetown was by far and away the best tour ever. By anyone. I'll defend that to the death. Nothing else even compares.
  • Current Music
    'All I Want Is You/Bad (20 October 1989)' by U2