May 1st, 2004

Amak Axver

On borderland we run ...

What's with fun survey-esque-majigs that I enjoy doing going around LiveJournal all at once? I'm hooked on those 'shuffle your playlist' ones.

On your current playlist, hit shuffle and pick the first ten songs on the list (no matter how cheesy or embarrassing), and write down your favourite line of the song. Try to avoid putting the song title in the line. Then, have your friends comment and see if they know the songs.

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Hooray, it's May. A month and then it's winter! I want that cold, cold weather. I think I should move. I also miss decent autumns.

Welcome to Axver's First Rant For May.

Alright, so I've been unwell. I'm masking just unwell I am because I can't afford to miss school and things are just too plain busy. Last night, I spent a good deal of time awake, lying in bed with a box of tissues, blowing my nose and feeling sorry for myself. I didn't fall asleep until two. My headache's coming and going, I have a sore throat, and I would pay anything for a device to suck all the snot from my body. So you know what Mum goes and does? She wakes me at six in the morning, expecting asking if I'm coming up to the airport to meet Nan. I'm unwell. I know I've got something and I'm sure it's what everyone else at school has. I don't want to be awake, you're not helping my sleeping problems, and quite frankly, I don't want to go because I know what my family's like. We'll have a horribly boring breakfast, Karina will whinge and moan about people (seeing that I haven't gone, it'll be me), and I'll frigging hate it. What's more, I hate airports because they mean nothing but badness to me, and when I come back from NZ, I don't like having welcoming parties. I just want to go home, not get more attention than I'd like by a bunch of relatives. Yes, I'm actually putting 'do unto others as you would have done unto you' into practice. I'm not a bloody hypocrite.

Of course, the family doesn't get this. Mum tried to guilt trip me into going. I can see Nan any time, I don't think meeting her at the airport or meeting her here will make an iota of difference. Anyway, guilt tripping me is the instant way to put me off for good. If you're going to try to guilt trip me, I will deliberately go against your guilt trip BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE GUILT TRIPPING SOMEONE IN THE FIRST PLACE. I probably would've caved and gone, despite my condition, if there'd been no guilt trip or expectation.

I really just don't want to be around my family. It's not that I don't love them or that they're bad people, it's just that we don't click. The only people in my whole family that I actually feel like I click with are my mother, Grandma and Grandpa, and if I knew him more, I bet Uncle Richard and I would get on really well seeing we're both U2 fanatics. Nan I do feel sort of close to, and I would've liked to go meet her if the circumstances could be changed a bit, but I'm not going because I 'have' to, and especially not if there's a family breakfast involved. I think I'm more like Camus's Meursault than I realise, in that I defy expectations.

I know that wasn't much of a rant, but I'm not feeling up to an impassioned rant. I just want to go to bed, really. Thing is, I know I won't sleep, so it's pointless.

SmartFTP appears to hate me. I had a very strange dream I want to talk about but ... I'm not sure. This weekend, I have two speeches to write that I haven't begun, one's due on Tuesday and the other's for a debate on Wednesday. The one for Tuesday is my English assignment and I do have to write it, but my debate I just need to properly compile the arguments in my head. No palm cards as normal for the debate, hopefully none for the English assignment. Palm cards are restrictive and limiting and I hate using them. Most people I know swear by them and would never do a speech without their nicely ordered cards, but I've gone totally off them and speak much better when I don't have them.

Jamie and I had an amusing phone call last night. We were discussing what it's going to be like at my grade's ten year reunion. I'm looking forward to that now, just because it'll be amusing. Apparently, if I haven't been assassinated, I'll be some wealthy millionaire flying in from America, and when I get there, Tom will punch me in the face for printing an article on a train crash instead of his latest scientific discovery, thus costing him fame and recognition. Sam will have trouble walking in because he's weighed down by all his various Air Force medals, one of which is for killing Pat, Jamie will be followed everywhere by the fan club of students he's taught, and so forth. Shame it's not overly probable.

Now I need to go write. I've got to get some stuff done. Ehh.
  • Current Music
    'Wire (5 February 1985)' by U2