December 29th, 2003

Edge

I can sum up life very simply: '...?'

I'm going to do a big revision and rewrite of my article on why swearing isn't sinful, and I'd appreciate outside input. Anyone interested in being involved?

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Dire Straits = gooooood.

Got an e-mail from Dad today. He's positive he sent the card with the money. Grr. It certainly didn't get here. Ick. Wibble and quiver.

OK, so this started in a comment on Lauren's LJ, and then turned into my own little rant. I'll include the comment I'm replying to, then what I wrote, and it goes from there ...

' I'm afraid of changes, I think. I am so stuck on familiarity that I never get up the nerve to try anything new. This needs to change.'

And yet you claim spontaneity is good and urge me to do that? Hee. I'm anti-change. Things should either 1. stay EXACTLY as they are or 2. make themselves PERFECT (perfect, of course, being exactly how I want to be). I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm open to new things. If I don't know/like/have/want/whatever it now, it's obviously just not worth having/being/doing/whatevering. Or at least that's my philosophy, and an almost certainly flawed philosophy at that. I even hate going on holidays because it means going somewhere else.

The hypocritical thing is that I've ranted against this before, saying people need to be open and that it's wrong how people don't want to be put in a position where they might be challenged ... but I don't know, it's different with me. It's not that I don't want to be challenged, I just want to be challenged intellectually in a manner that I'm comfortable with. Of course, I've also said people should get themselves out of their comfort zone, but then again, I'm not really in a comfort zone. I've never felt like I've really belonged anywhere ever since I left New Zealand, and when I go back there, it's so obviously not what I left that I can't go back there. I left my comfort zone, and now the only comfort zone I have is what I build up in my head to drown out the world. For me, the biggest challenge is finding a place I'm content with, somewhere I truly feel comfortable. About the only place that really fits the mould right now is my room and the part of the Internet I frequent. I really just want somewhere to belong. Some people feel attached to certain areas, and while I'm attached to New Zealand, I'm attached to the New Zealand I knew, not the New Zealand of today. I don't feel like I belong on the Gold Coast, I feel like it's just some place I happen to be in ... I just want to go home, wherever that is.

Everything looks so very bleak from where I stand right now. Ever stood on the edge of a cliff and been surrounded by a thick fog, down below you can just see the waves wearing away the foundation of the cliff, and you feel like there's only you in the world? Add the factor of being lost and confused, and right there, you've got pretty much how I feel. I hate not knowing the future. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I want it to be worth something, I don't want to just toss it away and be like the rest of my family, suburban nobodies.

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside
I want to reach out and touch the flame
Where the streets have no name ...


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--- 12:12am ---

Far-Right Conservative
Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)

brought to you by Quizilla

Yep, that result's pretty much accurate. Far-right conservative sounds like me. Which is ironic because my political party is the Australian Liberal Party ... but then again there's no-one else to support here. You've got to be stupid to support Labour. I want to start my own political party on a basis of "I'm not a politician and I'll kill all the useless bastards when I get in power."
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