December 20th, 2003

Amak Axver

So I've lost it and am really insane after all

I'm angry. I have been for a while. But I don't know what at. BUT I'M SO FRIGGING PISSED OFF AND EVERYTHING FRIGGING PISSES ME OFF. I don't understand it. But things that shouldn't annoy me are annoying me, and with every day it's getting more and more, and I'm afraid I'm going to lash out at someone I like, nafo;whauit43097u89ibesgmnb snmiOIRWQ44VGNJAhthiUHBJWANAJKLEHlHGAUKL. Ahem.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not calm. I don't know why. Little things are pissing me off. Big things are pissing me off. I try to remain calm and that pisses me off even more. I just wish everyone was like me, then we'd have no reason to disagree and all would be perfect. There'd be no more morons, and I'd love it. I'm convinced the human race is stupid. I can't stand most people, particularly popular people, teenyboppers, surfers, and u-users. I'm a stereotypical bastard but I don't care. Find some intelligence, don't do stupid stuff, and let me be calm.

Explain why I'm not calm. That's what I want. Why am I struggling to keep my composure? For all of last term I restrained myself very successfully. Life was good. There were few outbursts, only on rare occasions did I turn around and call someone an idiot or have a confrontation, it was nice.

I just want nice people. I'm a nice person if I'm allowed to be. I don't know what I want. I'm confused and this sounds stupid but ICK. I just want to break down and cry ... with someone, someone I like, someone I love and care for. I want someone to help me, someone I trust, someone who's always right and I can rely on, someone who tells the truth and knows what's what and why. Someone who can teach me how to do things, where to go, what to do, so that things make sense and work.

Life scares me.

Wibble and quiver.
  • Current Music
    'Twilight (17-03-82)' by U2
Amak Axver

Ignorance is calm

Ignore my earlier post. Today was random crap, all kinds of random crap that I hadn't bothered with for ages randomly came to the surface (as random crap does). But now I feel pleasant and calm. I am no longer on an ego trip as I was when I replied to this (I'm quite proud of the post itself, although not my reply - leaving it until now would've been better, but alas, I'm now not allowed to post in that person's LJ), I am no longer feeling mad or pissed off at the world, I am serenely calm. I wish U2 had played Heartland live, because that would be perfect for my mood right now.

Ran the trains tonight, and that went very well, although we had a couple of amusing collisions. There were heaps of people for the first hour or so, but then it all just died down and we spent the last 30 minutes talking to a bunch of other people interested in trains, both of the Lego and 'proper' model variety. Very interesting.

The ride home was interesting. Our car radio has well and truly died, and when we played a cassette, the speakers sounded AWFUL and the cassette itself was probably getting wrecked, so we turned it all off ... and then we heard these strange noises, and they sounded like they were coming from the speakers. It was really eerie until we figured out that it's probably a problem with the wheels, perhaps a stone had got in there. But this didn't really matter, because one of the roads we take to go home, well, in the daylight, it's just a hilly road, but at night - wow! It feels so much faster and it's so much FUN, and just to make it better, Mum gunned it and we raced down it to home. Whee, fun stuff. I enjoyed myself.

So yes, I'm feeling pleasantly calm right now. Now's the time to say stuff that you know won't please me, because I'll take it very well.

Must get ADSL sorted. All I need to know is what modem/router to buy, and then I'm set. Should have that sorted by tomorrow. Hooray!

There was meant to be more insightful stuff here ... but I've forgotten it and I'm not too fussed about it because I'm feeling so happily calm. I need something to do with this happiness. I could do so much right now. I'm bursting with energy, even though I'm tired, and that's contradictory but it doesn't matter. Maybe I'll go for a walk, or maybe not, because it's dark. Write. Writing sounds good.

--- 11:24pm ---

Collapse )

Maybe I should coax myself away from the Internet and write. I think I know what ADSL modem I want. Hm.

--- 11:33 ---

I hate these stupid random bugs that fly around my room at night. They only appear at night, and they make for whatever light I happen to be reading by or whatever screen (TV or computer) that I'm looking at. And they vary it up, too: one night it's these random things that divebomb me, then it's these beetle-y things that just land on my computer screen that I have to blow away, or small things that seem to think landing on my bed is a fun idea, and then that strange one from a couple of nights ago that made a weird buzzing.

Maybe I should capture some of them and mount them in a glass case on the wall, as a threat tactic towards other bugs. That'd scare them off. Fwoohaha!

Right, now to write. Though I'm not sure I'm really in a writing mood ... wow, that's so not André-sounding: I always want to write. Eh. It's those evil bugs!

But I shall write. I'm getting to a fun scene that results in a terrible motorcycle accident. Might post some of it tomorrow or ... whatever the next day is to get some feedback. I'm so badly losing track of the days.
  • Current Music
    'House Of The Rising Sun' by The Animals