October 30th, 2003

Amak Axver

Subject lines are a useful and informative thing when used well. But I am not using this one well.

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
axver goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as The Edge.
bluekivrin gives you 2 tan vanilla-flavoured gummy worms.
bobsnuggles gives you 19 red spearmint-flavoured wafers.
deadlydenial gives you 16 dark blue peach-flavoured jelly beans.
dreamingsunset gives you 9 light green coconut-flavoured miniature candy bars.
dreamsighted tricks you! You lose 43 pieces of candy!
fredbill222 tricks you! You get a rock.
kelseynicole gives you 17 dark green grape-flavoured pieces of chewing gum.
light_so_bright gives you 15 light yellow chocolate-flavoured hard candies.
safeami tricks you! You get a button.
saintcheney gives you 10 red spearmint-flavoured wafers.
axver ends up with 45 pieces of candy, a rock, and a button.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

How enjoyable that was.

Now, there's something I want to talk about but ... I'm not sure. Maybe later.

My room is now nearly completely empty of books. My bookshelf is gone, and there's only a couple of small stacks of books left on my desk, along with two boxes full of them on my floor that'll be going very soon. This is no ... not right. The fact this is my room implies that there are lots of books. My books are usually one of the last things to go. I feel so uncomfortable in here. Give me my books back!

Speaking of books, I'm looking forward to the holidays and just sitting down and READING. A LOT. I'll pay a visit to the second-hand bookstore at some stage in the early part of the holidays and stock up on reading material. Closer to that date, I'll be taking recommendations.

I probably could've gone to school today, seeing the dust and sand isn't nearly as bad as yesterday, but I made the call last night when it was still quite bad ... Mum needed to iron a shirt for me if I were to have gone today (really I should be able to iron, but no), but I told her not to worry. And I still don't feel that great, anyway. Well, I feel fine, apart from that my throat's a bit dry and sore (even though I've drunk heaps of water) and my nose is very sore from blowing it so much.

I'm still irked about that crowd last night.

Sometime this afternoon I need to phone the ISP I plan on getting ADSL with. We need to work out a few things and get stuff organised. Hopefully all will go smoothly and I'll remember everything I need to ask. Tomorrow after school we will most likely go and put a deposit on my computer. That reminds me, I need to check up on the CD/DVD drive I plan on getting. Will I get the CD drive that simply plays DVDs, or will I get the drive that plays and copies both CDs and DVDs? I'll most likely get the latter, but I want to check up first.

I also have e-mails I owe people that I should type up this afternoon. Time always seems to escape me. Blech.

Upon doing some checking, the computer I will most likely be purchasing will be a Pentium 4 2.6GHz with 512MB of DDR RAM, 120GB of memory, and the part I like the most, a DVD+RW/+R CD-R/RW drive: reads CDs at 40x, writes them at 24x, rewrites them at 10x, reads DVDs at 8x, and writes and rewrites at 4x, all in one drive, and all insanely cheap. Holy crap, this is fantastic. Sure, there's faster stand-alone CD drives (for example, my current one is 68x), but this is all in one drive and thus I like it greatly. And it's very cheap. That's the main advantage. The drive that I could've gotten that could only copy CDs was 52x52x24, but I'm prepared to sacrifice that speed for a drive that can copy DVDs as well.

Shit, I was going to work on assignments today and look at the time. Must work. Must also send e-mails that I desperately owe people. If any of you e-mail me and you get a very delayed response, my sincerest apologies, but I have to put my schoolwork first. It's nothing personal against you and I am going to reply. When I'm busy like this, I mainly stick to posting on LJ and MBs because then I can talk to multiple people at once rather than just one. Saves time and repeating myself. Plus MBs are where I go to socialise and have fun.
  • Current Music
    'Love Is Blindness' by U2
Amak Axver

A severe character flaw or two

I was going to make a pretty pointless entry, talking about "I've just fallen in love with these songs", "this is what I'm going to do for such-and-such assignment", "I just talked on the phone to Jamie for nearly two hours" (which I did just do), and so on, but that's avoiding what I was and should post about.

I am a perfectionist and obsessed with success.

I admit it. There's nothing I like more than being top of the class. There's nothing I like more than being told my exam result was better than everyone else's. There's nothing I like more than winning Dux of the grade. I am full of my own success. I love it, I crave it, I need it. Even worse, I hate it when other people achieve higher than me and that's been happening more and more lately because I'm so full of my own academic greatness and procrastinate so much that I don't study enough.

This is obviously a problem.

However, how do I go about solving it? Lately, I've realised I probably won't win Dux this year, and even worse, it'll probably go to someone I don't like, rather than someone I do like, such as Chantelle last year. I'll probably just have to settle for an Academic Award. However, I've been struggling to take this. I've been feeling envious, jealous, bitter, and the like. I've wanted that Dux and I'm pissed that I'm being beaten. Ever since I realised I probably wouldn't win and gotten these feelings, I've tried to deny them. I've told myself "No, Andre, winning Dux doesn't matter. So what if you don't win it?" I just can't keep that act going any more, though. I need to actually solve this problem once and for all. I need to be able to accept defeat and to be able to try my best without trying to outdo everyone at the same time. This is a really hard attitude to break, and I honestly don't know how.

My real nature has slowly come out over the last few months, some of it through accusations that proved to be true, some of it through my own probing of my personality: I am an arrogant, selfish, self-centred person who is full of himself, thinks he knows it all (Have I ever thought I'm wrong? Ha, nope), and has a desire to beat everyone in sight. It's good that I have a drive to succeed and do well, but not when it's a selfish one like that. I need some form of help. I don't like this side of my personality, I'm sick of feeling resentful every time people beat me in something academic, I'm sick of feeling envious that other people are taking my Dux away from me (the fact I call it "my Dux" probably says something too), and so forth. I'd pray about it ... but prayer sort of isn't working lately. It seems to be working when I pray about other people or things in the world, but when it's for me ... it's just not doing anything. Maybe because my heart's not in it. I pray for my arrogance to be removed, but I still think I'm so great and thus I don't really mean the prayer. I try so hard to mean it ... and maybe that's completely missing the point. I don't know. I just wish someone could give me a quick-fix answer; I want to just fall at the feet of someone and have them fix it all right now ... and I know that's not going to happen, so I want to throw myself at God's feet and give it all over to him, but I can't see His feet to throw myself at them.


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  • Current Music
    'Electrical Storm' by U2