||[27 August 2003|09:15 pm]
|||||'October' by U2||]|
(Note: this entry will probably come back to haunt me, but I don't care right now. I've probably put my foot in a lot of things and made millions of stupid statements, but this is just not my night to care or be particularly nice)
Sam currently seems to be on this trip of being nice to people, even really repulsive people. I guess, in actuality, I probably should strive to follow in his footsteps ... but it pisses me off something fierce. He's going on about being nice, about being caring, not swearing, not making derogatory jokes, not insulting anyone, not doing anything that could be deemed as harsh, offensive, or otherwise unkind ... and it might be a good idea. But NO. I can't do it. I HATE Bible passages that tell us to love our enemies and always be kind. I have no problem in being kind to my friends and people I like - indeed, that's something I enjoy doing - but if I don't like someone, the last thing I want to be is nice and polite to them. I'd much rather tell them to go throw themselves off a cliff and rid the world of their obnoxious presence.
Alright, I just read some stupid thread on some MB that has really pissed me off, derailed my train of thought, and made me very angry. ( Read this at your own risk, for I need to vent anger and this is the best place to do so.Collapse ) Note that that outburst is not directed to anyone in particular but refers to a multitude of incidents that have happened lately; just this all came out after one specific incident got me quite mad but I couldn't express my anger in the location. I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm still angry, but not nearly as much.
Back to Sam's fad of niceness. Where was I up to? I don't care. There are some people I just don't want to be nice to. Indeed, at times, I can't be nice to them. If I don't express my anger to them then and there, it's going to fester inside of me and make me angry for the entire day. I'm not naturally a calm person unless I'm surrounded by people I like and having a good time. Take a former friend of mine as a case in point. His name is Ben and we had a big falling-out two and a half years ago, and thus I now cannot stand him. This useless bastard is apparently the model of the mythical good Christian, and I think some people think he oozes the love of God. What a pile of nonsense. He oozes that repulsive condescending 'Christian' love that makes me want to bash my head up against a brick wall. Whenever he talks to me, even just by saying "Hello Andre", it feels so condescending and repulsive and I want to spit in his face and then knock him out with a plank of wood. He makes me sick. I don't want to be nice to this guy. I don't care how I'm supposed to act. I don't care if the Bible tells me to be nice to him. I want to treat him how I want to treat him, and that's by dishing out the abuse he deserves.
Hang on ... this brings me to a problem. God, really, should hate and loathe humanity for all we've done against Him, for all the offenses we've done to Him. Every time we sin, it's like spitting in His face and we sin a lot. And yet ... yet, He still sent His Son to die for us, even for people who won't end up accepting Him. So ... if God can do it, why can't I? I don't accept the "I'm only human, I'm not perfect" argument, no matter how much I want to use it ... why must the Bible tell us to be nice? Some people I don't want to be nice to. Some people I would LIKE to see have their heads bashed in (and I'm sure they'd like to see the same of me, or hide such a feeling behind sickly 'Christian love'). I shouldn't feel that way ... shouldn't ... but I can't stop it.
I need an outlet for my anger. Something I can both verbally and physically abuse. Something I can yell at and something I can bash the crap out of. And the thing is, punching bags and stuff like that don't work because that's not the object of my hatred. I want to yell abuse at Matt Marino and bash HIM to a pulp because he's the one that annoys me. My heart's not in it when it's some bag. It doesn't work.
I hate having anger building up inside of me, because I wouldn't have a clue what to do with it that's constructive. I need something to do with it ... whether to just release it in a manner that doesn't harm anyone but makes me feel better, or to turn it to a constructive use, I don't know, but I need to do something with it. I can't just let it stay inside me.
I know. I'll listen to The Electric Co. (UABRS) by U2, and LOUD. That will hopefully make me feel better. It usually does.