July 19th, 2003

Amak Axver

My pathetic Internet and other stuff

Two days ago, it took me 31 attempts to get online. Last night, 41. Today, FIFTY-TWO! I am not impressed. I just thought my Internet was starting to work well, but now it's just being stupid and pathetic. GRR. Why must technology be so evil at times? I wish I had a better connection, I really do.

But some good news: as of next month, I'll have a better download limit. It's still a download limit, but it won't be nearly as restrictive. I do believe there are actually some plans out there with some ISPs that have no time or download limits, but the problem is that they are companies I have never heard of, and too often they don't last long and quickly go bust, so I'll stick with the ISP I have: they're a respectable company that isn't about to cave in any time soon! I'm just looking forward to broadband in November. If that happens, of course.

I'm not sure if I want Mum to move in with her boyfriend or not. I see positives and negatives. I get heaps of cool stuff, Mum will be happy, it's good for our financial situation, et cetera. But it won't just be me and Mum any more, I don't know how I'll get on with her boyfriend's sons (although apparently they're rarely home), and Mum and Alan won't be married, so their lifestyle does conflict with my beliefs. But I guess the move would be for the best. I don't suppose I have much of a say, really; whatever happens, happens. Maybe I should pray about it.

Speaking of prayer, I've been haivng some troubles with faith lately and I'm not really sure what to do. I talked to Ally earlier this afternoon and she said some stuff that really helped, but I still have been having problems, like sometimes when I'm praying I feel like I'm just talking to myself, or I'm not sure if I've been forgiven for something or am truly repentant (I'll sometimes get this thought of "Do I really mean that or am I just saying it?"). So I'm confused and not sure where to turn. Sure, some people may say "turn to God", but what bloody good is that if I can't hear Him replying? Maybe He has, but I haven't noticed it. I guess I'm like Thomas the disciple: I'm tempted to yell at God and tell Him to get off His cloud, walk into my room, and give me some answers verbally for a change.

Right, my Internet is about to time me out, I think, and I have a couple of things I want to do so I'm going.
  • Current Music
    'Always' by U2
Amak Axver

Compromise. Not a dirty word.

Earlier on this evening, I was watching various U2 tapes in my collection, and this quote in particular struck me;

"Compromise, not a dirty word. Compromise." - Bono, during a performance of Sunday Bloody Sunday at Slane Castle, 2001

I think Bono is dead right there. I was surfing some websites earlier today that I can only describe as radical (I may go as far to say offensive to my faith), such as www.jesus-is-lord.com, and these are the kind of people who need to hear that quote. I hate these radical fundamentalist Christians (note here that I myself am a fundamentalist) who simply refuse to compromise. They so fervently believe in not compromising that they won't listen to other sides of debates and just go ahead and pass judgement and insult others, even when they haven't taken the time to understand what these others believe. For example, so many Protestants hate Catholicism, yet Catholicism doesn't teach what they think it teaches! I must thank Athanasius for opening my eyes to true Catholicism and showing me Catholics are really Christians. But so many Protestants simply will not listen, and they ignore answers when they are given, and keep on going on their crusades fuelled by hate and ignorance. They won't listen to other sides of debates and end up ignoring the facts (at least partly) because they hate compromise and think it is evil.

OK, sure, we should never compromise our faith. But I'm not talking about some kind of "Well I know taking God's Name in vain is sinful but I'm going to do it anyway" attitude, I'm talking about "I was told Catholicism is evil so I'm going to just believe it is and damn the facts!" attitude. I'm also sick of some of the radicals on places like LBMB Left Us Behind, who believe only Christians (a Christian not being a believer in Christ but someone who believes exactly as they do and hasn't been sucked into tremendous heresies like Catholicism or amillennialism) should be allowed to post and when the administration allows HEATHENS like atheists, new agers, Catholics, and amillennialists to post, they are suddenly evil and are going to be held accountable on Judgment Day for letting HEATHENS have freedom of speech. It's driving me insane. These people have the right to say what they think, debate theology and belief systems, engage in thoughtful discussion, and relax with fellow people. For all these radical morons know, these HEATHENS may come to know Christ, or, if they already know Christ (i.e. HEATHENS like Catholics and amillennialists), they may just learn more about faith and God. Or here's a thought that the radicals would hate: the radicals themselves might learn a bit and come to know the facts (i.e. that Catholicism is just another branch of Christianity). These people who think HEATHENS should not be allowed to post are closed-minded fools.

Maybe I've gone off on a tangent, but I think it does relate back to compromise. These people are so afraid that somehow, by listening to a Catholic or an amillennialist or putting on secular music or whatever, their faith will be compromised and they'll be corrupted. They continue to build up walls of hatred, ignorance, and arrogance through, amongst other things, their sheer hatred of compromise. What I hate is they won't even allow the compromise of letting other people have their own beliefs. They are so vehemently against compromise they can't even possibly allow others to voice opinions contrary to their own. They won't even compromise and allow freedom of speech. They will just yell "Heresy! Heresy! HEEEEETHEEEEENNNNNN!!!!!!!" (though they are not fully aware of the facts), and it just shows their ignorance. If they listened to some of these 'HEATHENS' for a while, they may just learn something and grow as people. We need to knock down these walls of ignorance.

  • Current Music
    'Sunday Bloody Sunday' by U2
Amak Axver

Computers are pathetic

My computer took only 20 attempts to connect tonight. A lot better than the 52 of earlier today, but still pathetic. I'm very annoyed. If this keeps up, I'll contact my ISP and complain. And now tonight pages randomly just don't appear. I'll get some error message, and to view them, I'll either have to refresh them, or, for some odd reason, click 'back'. I'm starting to get a bit annoyed by that. Was technology made just to annoy people?

ALRIGHT, THIS IS SIMPLY PISSING ME OFF SOMETHING FIERCE. I'm trying to get guitar tablatures to U2 songs from the U2 Guitar Tablature Archive, and to get some of them I have to refresh the page up to four fricking times. It's driving me insane and I want to break something. Shit, I must have some sort of anger problem if it takes something as little as this to supremely piss me off, but it's driving me bloody nuts and I want to swear more than this but it'd probably be abusing swearing and ... I shouldn't do it.

Stupid bloody technology. Anyhow, onto other stuff ...

I've been practicing more of my guitar, and I'm getting quite good at the solo from New Years Day and parts of 11 O'clock Tick Tock, but I still can't get the hang of harmonics. Can anyone help me?

Ah, now what else? I was going to mention more, but I can't remember what. Bloody computer, making me forget ...
Amak Axver

When obsession passes extreme ...

Lately, I've started to daydream more and more about a U2 tour. Whenever I'm depressed, I think that a U2 concert would make everything better. I don't care if it actually would or not, I just enjoy the thought that it would. I NEED a U2 concert, NEED, NEED, NEED. And I wish they'd get around to releasing their new CD. To quote my comment from the MB on Interference.com at http://forum.interference.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=1305050#post1305050;

'I'm nearly dying from the agony of waiting for the new album. If it doesn't come out soon enough, I might just go insane. I wish they'd at least release some single now to help ease the agony.'

I need new U2. I need more U2. I'm going to go out and try to find more U2 CDs. I'm hopefully going to be getting Wide Awake In America and the Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me single soon, and I'm desperate to hear some of their early stuff, like Another Day, and rare B-Sides like Touch, Treasure (Whatever Happened To Pete The Chop?), and J. Swallow. I am also trying to hunt down bootlegs, although I know that's an almost impossible task.

Is there a problem with my U2 obsession? Is it going too far? I fear maybe I'm putting too much attention onto U2 and taking it away from God ... but then I remember U2 has many Christian themes in their music ... and I also get some thought that maybe it's a bubblised Christian thought to think what I'm thinking ... and then I just get confused.

Heh, now I'm happy, I'm just cruising round the Interference.com MB, feeding my addiction. It's fun. Listening to U2, posting about U2, writing about U2 ... it makes me feel good. Helps me to feel better, less lonely, and conveniently makes me ignore the fact I have a stupid Drama assignment to work on. I'm going to do some of that tomorrow. It's due on Friday ... grr ... sickies were invented for a reason! Well, I hope I don't have to pull a sickie, but if the worst comes to the worst, I'm prepared to consider it.

And now, on a completely random note, these lyrics have hit me as wonderful;

'I don't believe in painted roses or bleeding hearts
While bullets rape the night of the merciful
I'll see you again when the stars fall from the sky
And the moon has turned red over One Tree Hill' - U2, One Tree Hill

Right, back on to reasonable topics (i.e. nothing U2). I've realised I probably need to find a church, because I need somewhere to go when I have problems with faith or anything. Well, I don't know if church is the answer, but I'd still like to go anyway. I fear to think what I may find - bubblised Christians and whatnot - but the idea also excites me. Shame I can't get a ride and there's nowhere within walking distance. I used to spend time on a Sunday morning in my room with my Bible and a highlighter (along with at night before I go to bed), but I've gotten very slack and rarely remember to do that. I need to remember tomorrow. My faith is in trouble so I need to do something to build it up.

One thing I've noticed is that I have trouble with a lot of things in the Bible. If Jesus came today instead of 2000 years ago, I'd probably be one of the people labelling Him a crackpot. "So You think You're God's Son? Haha, yeah right, and I'm The Edge." "Oh, so You performed that miracle? You expect me to believe THAT? You can't feed thousands of people with only a few loaves and fishes, and you can't con me into believing you did." So why is it that if He came today, I would probably laugh, but I can believe in Him when He came 2000 years ago? Can anyone offer me some sort of assistance here?

Also, I've realised that I have trouble with a lot of Bible verses. Well, it's not actually the verse I have trouble with, but the way too many people interpret them. You have Christians who seem to relish persecution and go out looking for it. They parade it about and it annoys me. Some of their actions make me think "No bloody wonder you're being persecuted, you arrogant, judgemental prat."

Hmmm ... now that I think about it, I probably would believe in Jesus if He came today instead of 2000 years ago. The doubt that's been put into my mind is from those stupid people going around professing to do miracles but are proven to be frauds, but because they often do it in the Name of Jesus, they wouldn't be around if He came today instead of 2000 years ago, so there goes the problem. Plus, seeing His miracles were genuine, I'd actually accept them ... I'd hope I would, anyhow.

Now I think I'm just going to start rambling and not making sense, so I may go. Looks like I'm going to come second on the moderator vote on LBMBLUB. Yay for me. Start of July = administrator of AoG, moderator of nowhere. 2/3 through July = administrator of AoG, moderator at 3 places. Craziness. Oh, and I think Lauren light_so_bright will be back tomorrow. I've missed talking to her this last week. Lauren, I hope you've had a good time.

Anyhow, I said I'd go, so I shall. Better keep my word.
  • Current Music
    'Zoo Station' by U2
Amak Axver

Some people are SICK

This article (http://forum.interference.com/t78624.html) made me mad and I want to throw up: some sick fuck(s) have been sending Bono death threats. Bono is a legend - what he's doing for third world countries, charities, et cetera, is to be applauded ... LOUDLY. He has used his fame to do so much good, and he will always be remembered for the truly great things he has done and for his generousity and compassion for the less fortunate. I can't believe anyone could possibly send him death threats. I hope this sick bastard is caught and locked away ... or preferably locked onto an electric chair and fried.
  • Current Music
    'Tryin' To Throw Your Arms Around The World' by U2