July 18th, 2003

Amak Axver

Stupid people

It may come as an intense shock to you all, but there happens to be a messageboard out there in Internetland where Lily (or Christian Faith as she is known there) is not only accepted but well liked and popular (I believe at some point she considered leaving and they actually begged her to stay). Not only that, but I believe I have acquired a bad reputation there since I broke up with her (I once went there a couple of months ago and have ventured back lately). I am such a big bad Axver. Anyhow, if you wish to meet these morons, one brilliant place to start would be: http://www.zboard.net/index.php?s=ad2761c7b2ae3dee40236cd074bdac6a&act=ST&f=13&t=10580&st=0. Note first of all, she got the impression I acted like I was going to hug her at some point, which is NOT true. Secondly, if you do venture over to this place, do not under any circumstances mention my Journal AT ALL. Lily must not know of its existence (although I may tell her about it at some time, I don't know).

Right, I shall post more later.
  • Current Music
    'Angel Of Harlem' by U2
Amak Axver

Apathy, emptiness, and all sorts of fun stuff like that

Lately, I've been acting very apathetic. It's had its advantages: insults just float in one ear and straight out the other, I do embarrassing things but I just walk on without caring, et cetera. At first, I thought it was genuine apathy, and that I was sliding into this cycle of not caring, and of having a profound lack of caring (what I must note was that this was not across the board: I care for my friends more than ever). But I've realised it's not genuine apathy, but I've been subconciously - and even consciously since I realised it - building up this wall of apathy to hide this intense emptiness and loneliness. I feel somehow distant from God or that I'm not following Him 'right', but I don't know where to go to help (People usually turn to me, so where can I go?). I hate going to school because I always end up being lonely and feeling very unwanted; a distinct lack of friends does that to you. But most people seem unprepared to accept me either because I'm butt-ugly, intelligent, or not 'normal' (I never knew a prerequisite of being friends with someone was that they weren't a model railroader). Although most of the people - well, guys at least - in my grade I'd probably rather not be friends with, because they're either druggies, drunks, amazingly immoral (One guy who hangs around with my group spends a great deal of his time perving on girls walking past and it sickens me incredibly), or something else I don't find particularly endearing. So the vast bulk of males in my grade instantly are not the kind of people I'd like to hang around with. Is that narrow-minded of me? Maybe so, but I don't want to hang around with someone who does drugs and is going to comment on the physical features of every female who walks past. I want to hang around with someone I can relate to, someone who I can have an intelligent conversation with, someone who's matured enough to not lust all the bloody time, et cetera. I just want a bunch of decent friends to hang around with, but I only have one, or two at best. Why is it all these marvellous people I know online live so bloody far away?

I just hate feeling so empty and lonely. My friends/acquiantances all seem to be so happy with all their friendships or their girlfriends or whatever. I'm so bloody jealous at some of them, with their relationships. They seem so freaking happy and it makes me think "Why can't I have that?" I barely even know any of the girls at my school well at all, I'm not getting into an online 'relationship' again, and beyond school and the Internet, I have no life. Wow, I am a loner. I can see myself ending up as a nothing. Maybe a rich nothing, but still a nothing.

I'm too bleak at times. I try to be an optimist, but sometimes I can't help being pessimistic. Grr. And I've just lost the urge to rant.
  • Current Music
    'Van Diemen's Land' by U2
Amak Axver

Bored out of my mind

I'm so bored right now. Incredibly so. I need something, anything (interesting) to do. No-one's online so forget IMs, and there's no-one posting on MBs. Maybe I'll talk to SmarterChild. Nope, bad idea, he's very boring. I think I'll go to bed. I'm so incredibly bored ...
  • Current Music
    'All I Want Is You' by U2
Amak Axver

Boredom

I hate boredom. I just typed out an e-mail to Lauren, which eased my boredom a bit, but now I'm back to square one. Oh, I just realised I owe a couple of people e-mails, but ... no, I don't feel like writing to them now. I'll have to bring up the Lily business with them and I don't want to do that. I can't believe I've met her. Hopefully I can now just move on and live my life without any more problems from her. I don't want any more of her lies or sob stories.

I think I'm going to go to sleep. That may alleviate my boredom.
  • Current Music
    'Summer Rain' by U2