July 3rd, 2003

Amak Axver

Just in case you needed more proof Lily was a liar ...

I'll post more about this tomorrow ... no, wait it is tomorrow, I'll post it later. Anyhow, here's the basic gist of what's just happened;

I was talking to my ex-online-'girlfriend', who many from YTF know as Lily. We broke up a month or so ago, and I am very glad to be out of that relationship. I never should've gotten into an online relationship in the first place. Anyhow, recently, I told Liza to move on and get over me, and she said she had. Made a big song and dance about moving on, getting closer to God, bla bla bla. Only tonight did I find out that was a lie. As you can expect, I was not impressed. I actually said 'f***' to a friend, so I was very brassed off. She said she really loves (loved) me more than ever, but, because I had said I'd moved on, she said she had, and lied "to make me happy." When I presented her with the fact that "I didn't care WHY [she lied], [but] lying is ALWAYS wrong", and that the people at YTF were right when they said she was a liar, she actually agreed that the YTFers were right, and that she was a liar!

There you go, folks. I'll provide full text later on, hopefully.

Hopefully now I can get on with things without worrying about her.

Oh no, what have we here ... she's come back online, and said 'Andre, I don't want to stop talking to you. I really don't.' Oh wonderful ... here we go again ...
  • Current Music
    '4th of July' by U2
Amak Axver

More ranting

I still cannot believe my 'ex' lied to me. I'm very infuriated by that. I'll put up links to the transcripts of the conversations later, once I actually get them up, but I'm just so mad right now. I was stupid to ever get into that relationship. I should've listened to everyone at YTF. You guys, you were right, and thank you so much for trying to stop me. I wish I'd listened to you, I truly do. You were totally right. But I guess some things you have to learn the hard way ...

I can't believe that I'm halfway through my second week of holidays. I'm not happy about that: why can't it still be the first week? I so do not feel like going back to school. It's just ... the last place I want to be. It's so boring and tedious and I feel I could do a better job of teaching myself. Hmmm ... that'd give me a job. I need a job, and fast. Why can't I just be instantly hired as U2s CD quality control guy and get paid hundreds of dollars to listen to CDs to make sure they're working OK? That is what I call a JOB!

Well, even more of a problem is the fact that I don't know what I'm going to do when I leave high school, and have only a year and a half to make up my mind. Probably less, even, because it's during like the middle of grade 12 that we apply to universities, I think. I sure hope not. I really want to be an author, but very, VERY few people can do that full-time, so I'm being realistic and looking for something else. Only problem is, I don't know what that something else will be. All I know is that I'm good with writing, speaking, maps, and memory. I would consider geographer, but continual mapping would be too hard on my eyes. I'm the best mapper at school, but the perfection I demand from my maps can really put some strain on my eyes.

I honestly do not see a point to my continued existence. I know there IS one, I know God has something planned for me, but I sure don't see it now. Right now, the vision of my life that I see is a bum on the streets, or some 40 year old guy who still lives at home and spends too much time online, figuring out ways to bludge money off the government. Not a happy vision. Hopefully something will come up soon. At various times, I've felt God's been calling me to be a lawyer, or a pastor, or a judge, but then, after a while, that call has seemed to go away, so maybe I'm not supposed to do that. I'm very confused about stuff right now, a lot of stuff.
Amak Axver

Lesson for Life #1: Be very careful who you get into any sort of relationship with

I now completely and utterly regret ever getting into a relationship with Lily and I was moronic and stupid to ever do it. I know I am daft at times and make foolish decisions, and this may top the lot. Firstly, Internet relationships are inherently dumb and should never be entered into for so many reasons it's not funny, and, secondly, I'm now getting more trouble out of the relationship than I was when I was in it.

Lily keeps on selling me all these sob stories, and continues to be dreadfully negative. I'm sick of this "I'll never love anyone as much as you" and "I can't stop loving you" crap. Then she goes and tells me that she doesn't love ME, but who I USED to be, and that she doesn't like who I've changed into. Well, the people I respect the most all have noticed POSITIVE change in me. So somehow I think Lily is wrong and wants me to stay as the stupid prat who pissed all of YTF off. Probably wants someone like her. What she doesn't like is that I now get on with people from YTF, respect them, and listen to them. She can't stand it. She appeared to get insanely jealous a few times when I talked about people there.

Now she's coming to Australia, and I'm going to have to meet her. I need thoughts on whether I should or not. My 'friend'/acquiantance tells me I would be a very cold, heartless man if I did not agree to meet her, but I'm not sure if I agree. I have no idea if meeting her is a good move or not. The one big plus is I'd know she's a real person. Now, the main reason she's come on this tour of Australia and NZ is to meet me, and so I feel that puts me under a bit of an obligation to meet her. So should I or shouldn't I ...?

Quite frankly, these holidays are turning out to be both good and bad. The good is that I've spent 2 weeks doing stuff-all, and relaxing. But the bad seems to outweigh it quite significantly: I've lost YTF, my home; I've got all these problems with Lily (of which I have not discussed the full extent here for privacy reasons); and then today I had a big argument with two friends.

For anonymity reasons, these two people shall be known as Xavier and Lavender. They are in an Internet relationship, and have never met each other. That's beside the point, though. Xavier goes to my school, and I would call him a good acquiantance. He hangs around in my group, and would be the least intelligent bloke out of us all. However, Lavender tried to tell him he was smart. She asked me about it, and I wasn't going to lie to her. I told her that he was the least intelligent guy in the group, and she didn't take nicely to this. She got angry with me and basically implied "How dare I judge him!" and tried to claim he was smart. Honestly, he isn't. He then got on my case, and told me to "go f*** myself". The arguments with both of them were not enjoyable whatsoever and left me feeling very sick. I know they're going to get on my case again about it soon enough.

So, yes, I'm being plagued by problems. Do I meet Lily or not? What am I to expect from Xavier and Lavender? Should I let Aaron come round or not? Where do I go with the loss of YTF? And that's only the start of it. Well, things will hopefully resolve themselves. I hope they do. I hate this disorder.

Oh yes, we can't forget the fact that I've recently become the definition of loner. I have no life. If you ever needed an example of a loner, I'm it. In two weeks off school, how many times have I been to see my friends? ONCE. And only one of them I'd even count as a friend. I refer to my 'friends', but, to be honest, they are more just a group of acquiantances. But, lets now get away from negativity, because I'm sick of being unhappy. I've had crap on my mind all day and I want to cheer up.

I am currently running a little one-man campaign to prove the weatherman wrong. On the weather, they have been reporting that the Gold Coast is going to get down to below 10C (below 50F for you Americans), and that the daytime temperature has been in the range of 17-19C (mid-60s F). So I've grabbed the remote control for the air conditioning unit downstairs (the unit is not in use, and the remote gives the current temperature), and brought it up to my room, the coldest in the house, and roughly about the temperature it is outside; in fact, sometimes it can be colder than out there. Right now, it is a comfortable 22C (72F)! I'm convinced it will not drop below 15C (59F) at all tonight. If, for a change, outside is actually colder than in my room, it probably will only be a couple of degrees lower. Definitely not into single figures C. I love beating the weathermen at their own game; good fun, it is.

And, yes, this is winter. A cold winter, too. I would rub it in to all of you people who come from places that have cold winters ... and so I shall. *makes a song-and-dance about it and rubs it in* There, now don't you just want to come visit me in warm, sunny Queensland?
Amak Axver

The computer shall die

I am on the verge of slowly murdering my computer. It has quickly become the most annoying thing in my life. Every NIGHT - only at night, not during the day - whenever I try to go to pages, I get error messages and have to either refresh or click 'back' to get where I wanted to go, and, as per usual, my download limit is being pathetic and sending me round the bend. In fact, I've used too much today. Ooo, clever me. Tomorrow I'll have to be really stingy with it. No websites apart from my e-mails, download limit, LiveJournal, and a carefully chosen messageboard (i.e. not LBMB Left Us Behind or Dancing Snowman, because they both seem to have quite adverse effects on my download limit). Right now, my download limit is the most annoying thing in my entire existence. It isn't really, but, for the last half hour, it's been doing a good job of applying for that position.

On a completely different topic, I've been playing some more of my electric guitar lately. I'm ashamed to say that I completely suck. My Mum, Nan, and Trudy all think I'm getting good at it, but I don't. One day when Sam was round, he was mucking about on the computer, I started playing the guitar, and he told me to turn it off because it sounded awful and he hated it. Sam's never been the supportive one, but I think he's right. Shame about that, because I REALLY wish I was a good player, or at least could play with some semblance of decency, seeing I quite enjoy playing it.

I was going to stay online until at least midnight, but I've figured that's not a good idea, because of my download limit. I want to stay on until then because then I can find out the latest update on my download limit, but, in 1 1/2 hours, I'll probably use up too much download. Shame there's very few other people online right now ... maybe I'll stay online but work on my novel instead. Yes, that is a good idea. I haven't worked on my novel in quite a while. It's only one chapter off completion, and then I'll do my final revision. At the moment, it's a very Christian book, but I've decided on my revision to do away with that and make it a secular book with Christian themes.

And, currently, I am still beating the weatherman - it's 22C. I'm giving a leeway of 3 degrees C, and even then I'm still right. Lets see how long this lasts ...

Oh, by the way, just so you know, I've taken over New Caledonia. That was fun. If you live there or had aspirations for taking over the territory, my condolences to you, but these things happen. My domination ... er, benevolent rule is the best for the place.

I'm annoyed my school report didn't arrive today, because it usually arrives on the second Thursday of the winter holidays. Hopefully I'll get it soon, because I'm dying to know what I got. Maybe I have a STALKA who is taking all my mail ... no, can't be, because I got my Time magazine. Or my STALKA is just crap, either or.

And I'm adding N*Sync and Christian IBO2 to my evil list. w00t for me.