Axver (axver) wrote,

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This entry's also LJ-cut for your convenience.

Remarkably, my biggest flaw isn't arrogance. It's not hypocrisy or egotism either. Rather, it is jealousy. Maybe I believe the compliments too much, and I think the flaws are intertwined, but this is definitely the biggest one. But FUCK, I feel so fucking rorted. If I'm that fucking good, why don't you DO SOMETHING? I'm bloody sick of being expected to be some damn superman and when I fail, people just go to the new flavour-of-the-month 'genius' instead of thinking "Maybe André is human and needs help too." AND MAYBE YOU COULD ENCOURAGE MY FUCKING TALENTS FOR ONCE. I am SICK and TIRED of hearing about other people getting breaks, getting all kinds of cool things, getting published, and such. It's jealousy, I know it is, and it's the worst sort because I should be HAPPY for these people. But fuck it, I'm not. I'm fucking sick of being told "You're such a good writer!" Either I am and I'm getting royally screwed at the expense of inferior people, or I'm not and these people are lying to me. Only TWO people have ever encouraged my writing. My mother, but there's not so much she can do, she just does the little she can, and Mrs Hugo, who's too fucking late. I'm SICK of seeing all these people getting the encouragement earlier when I should've got it. The worst part about it is back when I began at my highschool, they KNEW I was bloody brilliant for my age. THEY KNEW. AND THEY DID BUGGER ALL. They did sweet nothing. WELL FUCK YOU. Not only have my talents not advanced at the speed they should've, BUT STUFF HAS BEEN DONE FOR OTHER PEOPLE BUT NOT ME. People tell me I'm the best writer, so ... why aren't I getting a hand? Am I meant to do everything by myself now? That's the predominant bloody attitude. People expect it of me in EVERYTHING. André doesn't need help with his assignment, he's a genius; André doesn't need help with study because he's that good; André doesn't need stuff done about his writing because he's The Pro. WTF? Why the hell do you think I haven't been Dux the last two years? BECAUSE NO-ONE CARED TO HELP. Fuck that. I'll show them. I will fucking ace everything, I'll become a fucking famous writer, and then I'll come back to school and shove my Pulltzer Prize fair up their collective arse.

Or maybe I'll stop the jealousy and learn some humility. That sounds better.

Wow. I feel so much better now. That was cathartic like crazy. I've been needing to say that for a while. Hm, anyhow.

It's ironic how that ties in PERFECTLY with today's Study Of Religion class. I truly wish everyone could take that because Johnno is truly that brilliant. Today he went off on another one of his tangents and like last week's, it was amazing. I wish he was my father or something. In the class, he's put up these A4 laminated pages with Bible verses on them. Some of them are red, some are blue. The red ones are your typical ones along the lines of 'believe and receive blessings' that my school preaches all the time on chapel. The blue ones are the ones about dying to self, the stuff the school glazes over. His wall is to make a point - there's a whole lot more to the teachings of Christ than what the school's hollow religion says. They preach love and blessings and joy, but they say nothing about denial of self. He decided he was going to make the wall have an equal amount of red and blue sheets ... but he couldn't. In all of the Gospels, there were only six verses supporting what the school says, and five are up, but there were more than four times as many verses for blue sheets than he could possibly put up.

So Johnno basically went off on a rant about denial of self, that we need to get our goals, our desires and ambitions, put them in a nice little pile, and burn them. Metaphorically, you know. What's more, he observed that we will sometimes do that for a day, but then the next day we pick them back up again and start living for ourselves. We create these goals and dreams that are so large and grand and live for ourselves in an attempt to fulfill them, when it really DOES NOT MATTER. What matters is the truth, and that's what he's at the school to do. This man is forty-seven and has one of the lowest positions in the school - he's in the dead end that is SOR, but in his words, he considers it the live end. What's important to him is knowing his students and teaching the truth. That's what it's about. He's not bashing anyone with it, he's not even asking anyone to agree, he's just doing his part by teaching it, and he feels if he doesn't, he's doing everyone a disservice. I can't adequately convey the power and emotion of his rant, but it was very much focused around the denial of self passage on his wall. That we need to take all we want to achieve, burn it, live for God, and only then can we really live. Considering my tirade above, you can see why it rung true for me. It's the one thing I have the biggest trouble with, denial of self.

I feel like I've done a bad job conveying the rant. I think it makes Johnno sound too much like he was spewing forth a typical Christian statement. But he wasn't. It was REAL. Only in Johnno's class have I ever really felt like things were REAL. I can feel that ... that God's there, really. Johnno's RIGHT. He goes on his rants and he's RIGHT. He's a hero, truly. He lives what he preaches. He has denied himself. If he had lived for himself, he wouldn't be teaching SOR today, he'd be one of the leading mathematics professors in Australia, arguably the world. He's easily one of the best mathematicians on the planet. But he can't reach people through maths. You don't become friends with people via maths class, you don't preach the truth, you just work with some numbers. In SOR, however, he actually has a relationship with people and he can make his rants. There's no-one else at the school who could teach SOR anyway. The flaky religion of most of the teachers there couldn't handle it. Johnno has no problem with teaching other religions because he knows what he believes, why he believes it, and he's that grounded in it that this other stuff is no threat. So many people get worried when they approach this stuff because they're afraid they might be wrong. He's NOT. It was fascinating how he rebutted Buddhism throughout the unit on it. He didn't do that typical thing of "Buddhists believe this and it's wrong because ..." but instead he taught what it was about, but at times, would subtly compare and contrast. It was genius, because it was a whole lot better than some flat-out rebuttal. Indeed, half the time he'd be complimenting and rebutting it at the same time.

The interesting part is that today, he mentioned what he felt is the best proof for Christianity: the Jews. Christians and Jews have been archrivals for as long as Christianity's existed, BUT, here's the thing, THEY TELL THE SAME STORY. Since when do you agree with your enemy? YOU DON'T. You make up something new to tell to others. The last thing you do is agree with your enemy! But look at Judaism and Christianity - until Christ, they parallel each other and they share the same heritage. They can be at each other's throats, bitterly hating each other, but they share a story. They even look at the same Messianic prophecies, just interpret them differently. And what's more, the Jews have held on. In Johnno's words, he reckons "God chose the Jews because they're the biggest ratbags. They're stubborn and stiffnecked, and that's exactly what He needed to accomplish His purpose" and they've held on to today with some of the most important positions, despite being so small in number.

It was a very interesting theory. I wouldn't say the Jews are the best proof myself, but I sure liked listening to him explain his thoughts.

On a different topic, yesterday my mother mentioned a bit of an incident she saw occur right in front of her, where a mufti cop (you know, plainclothes) pulled over a jeep. I've been thinking about this, and I'm not so keen on these mufti cops. Basically, it makes you distrustful of everyone. The guy in the car next to you could be a cop. That girl walking behind you could be one. Those two over there in the park could be too. I think it does nothing but breed a climate where you can't really trust people. That's probably one of the biggest problems in society today - we have managed to cultivate a society where trust is no longer a commonplace thing. I'm not saying I oppose the mufti cops, because considering what we have, they're necessary. What I am saying is look how buggered society is. Truly, where is the trust? The safety?

Speaking of safety, this morning the principal spoke to us on some new legislation and rules regarding bullying and harassment. Of course, this became a hot topic of discussion in German class. Firstly people - including myself - were outraged that to be bullied, an incident has to happen more than once. Tripping someone down the steps apparently does not count as bullying because it's not repetitive. Furthermore, people were shocked that he spoke on physical, political, and sexual harassment, but not racial harassment, which is arguably the biggest problem. Then we got to talking about how no-one feels safe in the school any more. Theft is happening a lot more than I thought it was, and there seems to be nothing anyone can do about it. Surely someone knows who the thieves are, but they're protecting their friends. Good bob. But ... there are major problems in my grade. It's hard to imagine a positive future with these louts. I don't get how things can be so stuffed. Eh, anyway. The interesting part is that despite the complaints, our school is still doing better than some. One person in class cited some stuff from ... some publication by a local public high school, and in essence, they make bullying to be the bullied person's fault. It's just ridiculous. I don't understand how they could do that. YOU'RE THE VICTIM, SO YOU'RE TO BLAME! WTF?

I've noticed that the U2 colourbars have stopped working. Deciding that this just wasn't on, I fixed mine and here's the new code;

[a href=""][img src="" border=0][br]U2 is love.[/a]

(Replace [ with < and ] with > )

U2 is love.

So yes, there you go. I was rather disappointed when I saw mine stop working, so there's a fix.

I'm still hooked on these early demos, by the way. The Fool is such an awesome song, and The Dream Is Over is well and truly stuck in my head. Heh, I'd laugh if U2 decided to bring it back ... and play a cover of Crowded House's Don't Dream It's Over beforehand! That'd be wonderfully hilarious. I'd love it. Plus, my faovurite band ever covering New Zealand's best band would rock something incredible. I'd love to hear what U2 could to do Mean To Me, my favourite Crowded House song. Or Four Seasons In One Day ...

Hm, anyway. A lot of rambling there. I now need to get work done, I've got a stack of assignments and study to do. It's crazy. Two and a half weeks until exams. ONLY TWO AND A HALF? Seriously, this has snuck up on me something shocking, and I don't seem to be the only one. A couple of departments aren't helping anyone out either, with their ineptitude and disorganisation. I'm glad I have the English teacher I've got, because the English department sounds like it's in absolute turmoil. The Hugo is wonderful at getting stuff done, though, so we're safe. I'm already starting to feel the nerves about these exams. We better get the revision time we need, but I don't think we will. I've also worked things out, and I'll have almost no spare time in which to come home, I'll be there almost the whole time during exam block. Trust my luck ...

Now, I must stop wasting my time online and do that work. I know I'll end up spending a few more hours at the computer and get nothing done, but at least the intention's there ...
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