Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

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In the morning, on to the day time, to the evening, D-Day and beyond ...

Alright, I'm reaching the end of my tether. I'm sick of messageboards filled with redundant, unfulfilling conversations, and I'm dying for some intelligent discussion and serious debate. So this is your big chance. You can ask my opinion on any issue, I don't care what. Just some serious discussion and debate would be beautiful and I need it.

I've realised I need to stop writing these updates the night before I post them. I just noticed in yesterday's entry I referred to Wednesday as 'today' when it really was 'yesterday'. This is becoming embarrassing.

Mmmm ... bit torrent. I'm currently downloading the 15 June 1992, Rotterdam proshot DVD. Apparently it's very nice. Indoor ZooTV! And last night, I began burning my whole U2 collection onto CDs, just as data, so that I can clear space on my hard drive and not have to worry if my computer crashes. This makes me feel much better about the world in general for some reason. The tower of U2 bootleg CDs on the pool table continues to grow ...

Something most amusing happened at school yesterday. I was randomly surfing the Internet at school during study when I realised something - the school's filter is down. I could actually access LiveJournal, Interference, anywhere. I don't know how or why this has happened, maybe someone hacked the system and disabled it, but I'm very pleased and I'm going to keep this one under wraps for now. aaron_3521, don't alert people to this at school - the longer the IT department doesn't know, the better, and the more who don't know, the longer it'll take the IT fellows to find out (maybe, hopefully). That filter nearly sent half of us insane, it does a wonderful job of blocking perfectly useful sites. I don't see how being a Geocities site instantly makes something block-worthy. Bah. But I did discover my school is its own ISP. I found that interesting.

Tyndale Deflowers The World
In more ways than one, too ...


It's surprising it took Proffit Tim LaHaye, Jerry Jenkins, and Tyndale House Publishing this long to discover G. K. Chesterton appeared in a movie. They've finally discovered this fact, however, after stumbling across a movie from 1914 entitled Rosy Rapture. Not caring to watch or learn anything about it, they figured it had to be something in aid of their cause, and now Tyndale is working overtime on a number of new projects.

A press release from Tim LaHaye states he is currently working on a new book, stating that roses will be raptured in the near future, that the horrendous pollution in the world is a sign of the end, and after judgement, there will be a War of the Roses. Amillennialist roses have alerted him to the fact that historical documentation proves the War of the Roses was a past event that's already taken place, but LaHaye has cited vague new Scripture and provided an interpretation that states this war is a future event. He is now claiming the amillennialist roses are heretic, deceived by Satan, and should repent of their unbelief. This statement came just after he denied eschatological opinions impact upon the salvation of flora.

Jerry Jenkins is already lined up for major television interviews with regards to his latest two projects. The new Scripture quoted by the Proffit comes from an edition of the Bible Jenkins claimed to find in his garden. It is said to be a special edition printed for flora, calling for the salvation of all florakind, and is specifically targeted at the most wise variety of flower, the rose. Upon further questioning, Jenkins admitted he has no backyard and can't even keep grass alive, but he still stands beside the discovery of this new Scripture, and Tyndale is rushing hurriedly-published editions to shops, urging Christians to distribute it to every nearby garden. Copies are being sold for US$500, nearly as much as the new Chick Tracts being printed for the occasion. It would appear the hurried production has caused a number of errors. These include;

Gospel of Lily 1:3 - "And then the mother of g-sus knew her pastor and she had a son."

II Oak Tree 4:-9 - "Jesus cannot save you. There will be no Rosy Rapture."

Roamin' Gardeners 34:62: "pH34r teh Roamin' Cath licks. Do not let them teach perjury as a tradition or let them prey merrily."

Despite this, Tyndale continues to claim their editions of the Bible are inerrant and infallible. Two dandelions are now prosecuting them for pro-rose discrimination due to various statements made in the Bible.

The errors and court case have not fazed Tyndale and Co., however. The Rosy Rapture movie is already in production and Tyndale plans to sue the copyright holders for the name, claiming it was theirs originally. In conjunction with this, Jenkins is retreating to the back of his cave to write his second project entitled Rosy Rapture: The World Is Deflowered. Many are hoping Jerry doesn't leave the cave, especially seeing that Jerry predicts RR will be "at least fourteen books long, perhaps a hundred."

RaptureReady.com, in shock at seeing Jenkins stole its abbreviation and unwilling to sue its pretribber brethren, has raptured itself out of existence. Festivities continue in most parts of the world.

In conclusion, be afraid. Tyndale's latest cash cow is heading to graze in a garden near you.

---

I can't help myself with this one. I must thank light_so_yellow for giving me the original idea that somehow evolved into this.

The REAL reason for the new U2 album delay, Part II: Bono is stuck for ideas and Edge gets a giraffe named Svetlana in a story featuring a title that both mocks bad fanfiction and gives away most of the content


The accordion idea had absolutely failed. Many in the U2 world were sad, but Larry had declared it to be bullshit and refused to work until Edge started playing normal guitar and Bono put some effort into the lyrics.

"There will be no The Streets Have Been Named!" roared Larry emphatically one Tuesday morning in the studio. "For that matter, forget the following: Two, Real Nice Day, Stuck In An Hour, Levitation, Thunder Storm, Sort Of Come Home, Entry, Love Rescued Me, and A Cat Dubs. In fact, forget it all! It's utter bollocks." Larry stormed over to the mixing desk, slammed a few buttons, and suddenly, two years of work was erased.

"YOU IDIOT!" yelled Edge. "I was just starting to like the Streets Have Been Named opening riff!"

"YOU TWIT!" Larry shouted back. "That's the normal Streets riff, just played two frets lower, and sounding like a damn accordion. Adam, let's go home." Larry and Adam wrote themselves out of the story so they could go to their respective houses and eat food.

"Sigh, I said." Bono said. Apparently, he had to describe his actions for the reader. "I need new ideas, I told Edge."

"What?" Edge looked confused.

"I just told you, I need new ideas, I repeated."

Edge continued to stare at him like he had three heads, and one of them without blue sunglasses.

"Are you confused? I asked, wondering what Edge didn't understand." The convenient part of this was that the author had to put no effort into describing Bono's speech.

"Bono, just get to work, OK?"

"Sure, I responded. I'll think of new ideas. I got out my laptop and started typing new lyrics and concepts."

"You haven't done that yet." noted Edge, just before Bono went and did it.

"Now I have, I said, proving Edge wrong."

Edge shook his head and went to try some cool new tunes he had in his head. His brain was starting to feel a bit on the cold side and he needed to get the cold-causing tunes out, and figured the best place to put them was on the guitar. He wished he could run the accordion effects, but Larry had been on the verge of committing murder with drumsticks, so he decided against it.

"Edge, come check this out! I called two hours later." The guitar playing in the next room stopped and Edge wandered in to see what Bono had.

"You do realise this album should be out in less than six months, right?" Edge asked.

"I nodded."

"I saw that. Show me what you have."

Edge was quite surprised to see how productive Bono had been. His ideas had formed into a project containing twelve songs, centring around the theme of forgotten Biblical figures Larry happened to like, and he had ten ideas for songs.

"I'm stuck with the last two, I complained."

"You know what, Bono? I can help you!" Edge sprinted out of the building, Bono heard some tyres squeal, and then there was silence.

"Ahh ... this is nice, now I don't need to describe my actions for his benefit." said Bono, getting up and heading to the kitchen. He decided now was the perfect time for a snack of Forbidden Apples. He opened the pantry, expecting Darriele to leap in at any moment to accuse him of being a Horrible Sinner, he picked up the apples as he anticipated Darriele's yells of "Heathen!" and demands for him to act more Christlike ("Anyone can act." muttered Bono), and was about to take a bite when he heard two vehicles pull up outside. One was Edge's car, the other sounded like a truck.

"BONO!" Edge called out. "COME OUT HERE! TELL ME IF YOU LIKE MY CAPITALISATION!"

Bono put down the food, raced to the door, began to yell "LOVELY CAPITAL LETTERS!", and then fell down the stairs in shock. Forgetting he needed to describe his actions for Edge's benefit, he picked himself up and demanded;

"EDGE! What use is a giraffe to me?"

"Her name's Svetlana." Edge said, grinning. "She likes music." Adam and Larry wrote themselves back into the story.

"Can she play my bass?" Adam asked.

"Maybe she'd like my drumsticks as a snack ..." mused Larry, waving them in the direction of Svetlana. Suddenly, the drumsticks vanished from Larry's hand and a sound remarkably like crunching came from her mouth.

"She's magical." Edge explained, smiling stupidly.

"Oh, I GIVE UP!" exclaimed Bono, and he wrote himself out of the story.

The writer then changed tenses and various other elements of writing.

Until Bono comes back, there'll only be instrumental recording done on the album. First accordion, and now this. What next for U2? Bono will most likely jet around the world, well out of the scope of the story, not working with the band, and they'll get annoyed and angry. For this, I am sad, because I think Svetlana could be of real use to him.

God Part II was played to close Part II of the REAL story behind the album delay. It felt all appropriate.
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