Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
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Satire and notes about a former entry.

SOD! I just managed to somehow lose a whole entry. GAH! So there goes my entry and the accompanying satire of Left Behind. But, I shall redo it.

Run-down of the entry;
- I am worried about particular things and made numerous vague references despite my hatred of vague references.
- I reasoned maybe I should just come out and say something, despite how unwise such action would be.
- I also figured people need to make better decisions.
- Speaking of better decisions, Hotmail needs to make better decisions about its ads. Some of the current ones are just revolting. There's some stuff I do not want to see when I check my e-mails ... or do anything, really.

Now the satire. This will probably be worse than what I had, but it's satire nonetheless.

They Left Their Memory Behind
A report on the release of the 12th Left Behind novel.

Not even Jerry Jenkins saw this one coming, and he wrote the book. We Didn't Mean To Leave You Behind (WDMTLYB) by Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye is the latest installment of Left Behind, a series we wish had been left behind in a black hole of time containing the worst of Christian pop culture. A remarkable twist occurs in this novel, but apparently, it's not the correct manuscript.

"We don't know what happened." states a press release from the Proffit LaHaye (he denies the self-appointed title has anything to do with prophecy, money, or prophecy money). "Somehow, an alternate script Jenkins wrote was printed."

To accommodate the startling changes in this published script, the Proffit has rushed into production a new Prophecy Bible featuring four more books than ordinary Protestant Bibles. It appears he's decided to milk yet another cash cow, and new issues of his prophecy books are being commissioned to accommodate the newfound Scripture.

The question on everyone's lips - or at least on all but those belonging to the Faithful Worshippers who have already purchased the book - is what exactly is this new book about? It's rather startling actually. Many wondered why Jenkins would only give noncommittal statements online about whether Cameron or Rayford dies, and it seems like he didn't know, or at least not for a while. In a fit of theological stupor, he actually Raptures them both and then quotes non-existent Scripture to justify this. According to him, it is the Not Meant To Be Left Behind rule, where spouses, children, and other loved ones can ask God to Rapture a particular family member later on in the Tribulation. God then sends accountants to work to see how much they tithed to Jerry and the Proffit, and if it is deemed to be enough, the relative is Raptured. The accountants reportedly spent a long time with Christ worshipping a statue of the Jerry, and thus didn't get around to this Late Rapture until, appropriately, it was nearly too late.

Proffit LaHaye's new Scripture accommodates this, with claims that "an author may Rapture a character later if he sees need to, and so says the LORD God" (Gospel of Tim, 4:6), and mid- and post-Tribulation Rapturists have welcomed this move.

"This greater encompassment of other premillennial beliefs is a welcome development." Pastor Unforua of Dorkland, New Zooland proclaimed last Sunday. "Maybe we can now bring an end to our online flame wars."

Some Pre-Tribulation Rapturists are far less than impressed, however.

"This is simply not on, and I don't know why they are defending the printing of this alternate manuscript." said Pastor MacRopa of Lost Angles. "Sure, maybe that's what the Prophecy Bible says, but we can't let heretics think they can be saved. We all know only pretribbers are going to Heaven. Look, I have the key to prophecy, just like every other pretribber, and only with this can we discern truth. If someone's not a pretribber, they cannot go to Heaven or see the true Jerry."

When questioned on how the founder of Protestantism, Martin Luther, could have been saved when he was not a premillennialist of any sort, let alone a pretribber, MacRopa dodged the question and went to send more money to the Proffit.

"He is still worthy of our support. Maybe more than ever."

LaHaye and Jenkins certainly need support. Writing support. What is found between the covers of WDMTLYB is a disgrace to literature, to say the least. Asinine, unidentified dialogue has been replaced by poorly constructed Braille and sign language, whole chapters are devoted to off-topic rants about why amillennialists are darned by a character named Gosh to a mysterious locale identified only as Hall, and the two dimensional characters are stripped of a whole dimension.

The only sensational thing about the book is that it's the shortest in the series yet and Christ forgets to come back. Besides that, it's a dull read, and most likely only those familiar with "pretribber theology" are going to spot the various incidents that diverge from the author's supposed theological system. However, once equipped with a Prophecy Bible, it's the sound truth no matter what, and tithes from the Saved™ Faithful Worshippers continue to pour in.
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