Axver (axver) wrote,

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Who's to say where the wind will take you?

It's interesting the things that shatter you.

But first, the good: I officially love cross country. Why? Because, thanks to it, I don't have to turn up to school tomorrow. Yes, this would normally be the point where I break out in random excitement and joy. But.

The bad: I just took what was the worst exam of my life. The Maths C exam was crushing and destroying. We had this study session beforehand at lunch, and I now wish I'd never gone. I had these formulas sitting in the front of my mind, not ingrained yet that I wanted to sit down and focus on, while I'd memorised a particular method to do one question. Then we got into a debate over this particular method ('we' being Tom, Queenie, and I) trying to figure out what was wrong with it and why it didn't align with what was meant to happen. This debate sent me into the exam unprepared, and struggling to remember the stuff I had intended to focus on.

Then I sit down, get the exam sheet ... and not only is it horrible, I get mental blank after mental blank. It was terrible. I just looked at the sheet. I got my way through the first few easy questions, and then ... I began to pick the questions in the order I thought would make them easiest. This meant the one that would take me the longest, I did first because I knew all the method for it. So I did it, and after a page of all kinds of complex working, I looked back ... and realised at a number of points, I'd subbed in the value of x1 a few times (I have no idea how to subscript the 1 so you'll have to live with it) instead of x2, x3, or x4. It thoroughly destroyed my answer. It was only the tiniest of errors really, but it threw my whole thing off and I couldn't even make an inference as to how close I was to the actual result because this mistake had sent me so far off course. I'd spent so long on it, too! I just dropped my head in despair, especially when I realised I had precious little time left. So I hurriedly solved another question, desperatedly hoping it was right, and threw down random working for what was left before time ran out. I couldn't believe it. Before lunchtime, I was feeling confident, assurred that I would get at least a B+, but the actual exam was so devastating ... I seriously cried, only a little. I can't take another C.

The worst part is that the exact lesson before, the horrid reality of my Maths B mark was rammed home. We were only told our marks yesterday, not given the actual paper, but today we were ... and it wasn't initially seeing the 18/40 that shattered me, but the fact I could've got 20/40. Somehow I misread a sentence and did a problem with two elements when it really had three. Well I didn't misread the sentence, I simply didn't even see it was there! I saw the two before it and the question after it, but it was like the middle of the paragraph just swallowed it up and that was that. When I re-read it today I just ... I couldn't believe it. It was like someone had put it in overnight. Then realising I'd got 18/40 ... I felt like I'd failed myself and all those who believe in me. How am I going to explain this one? There are people who say "Well if you're going to do bad, what hope is there for the rest of us?" ... I've just bombed both maths, including C, the one I'm really good at. Damn it.

There weren't even any good marks given back today to make me feel more positive, either. Though no-one guessed I was that shattered after Maths C (it was second-last), because the class afterward was SOR, and Johnno's so fantastic you can't help but enjoy yourself in there. That guy's just brilliant. When he gets talking ... it's awesome, especially because SOR's his passion and he can make anything interesting. He went on a couple of really good tangents today during a discussion on ethics, and I want to know why he's not a famous actor because when he gets into it, he does some awesome mimics of people. His Noah and Noah's wife mimic is wonderful.

"There is only one difference between Noah and a madman - forty days and forty nights." - a Johnno original

I'm currently enjoying the soothing powers that are Slow Dancing --> Kite (31 October 2001, Providence). Lovely.

I think I'm going to go to bed. Hopefully I'll feel better about things in the morning. At least I'm doing seriously well in five subjects ... just I can't afford to bomb in any of them now!
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