Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

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Cynicism

I am getting increasingly cynical towards many things lately. I keep on asking "what's the point?" or "what's the reason?" and at best, I get a cynical response. I may sound depressed, but I'm not, and I may sound selfish, but I'm not. I'm just cynical, unfulfilled, and disappointed. Maybe I don't appreciate the people I have here, but I don't feel like I've really got any friends here, sometimes not even Sam, and my closest friend online seems to find it difficult to sign onto MSN or AIM even when I KNOW she's online. But that's beside the point. I'm sliding into some form of something that involves some cynicism, apathy, and similar stuff.

Just ... what's the point? What am I spending my time on? What am I actually working towards. I think well and am at my best with the clear air of morning, and usually I feel positive and happy with the world then, but I don't today. I am agreeing with some writings of Soren Kierkegaard, that everything is pointless. Why do I bother getting up? Why do I bother staying in bed? What does it matter what I do? It makes no impact here or there. This is one of those times when I'd love to be proven wrong, even if it takes many years. Just things seem futile, and I'm not happy with the way things are now. I say I like my routine, but without fulfillment, it becomes empty, and ... I don't know. Sometimes it leaves me content, pleased with doing little, and sometimes - more often than not lately - it leaves me empty, wanting something more, but not knowing what that something more is.

Really, I want to do something useful with my life. I don't feel like I have, and if I were to present an account to God today of what I've done so far, it'd be a tremendously meagre report. If it were for a job, I'd get told "You've spent seventeen years and your summary took seventeen seconds and consisted of nothing?" and then be promptly fired. What am I doing? I need a purpose, a mission. I don't want to sit around, wasting my sweet little time, remaining unfulfilled. I don't want temporary pleasures, the kind of stuff our society is built on. I want lasting stuff, something that doesn't fade, and something that works for greater good. Something that brings joy to others, because for me, bringing joy to others brings joy to me. I want to improve things, to make a difference, I'm ambitious and when I find something I'm passionate about, I'm driven in a big way. And yet, in some ways, I agree with my Study Of Religion teacher who says that one person cannot make a difference and there's no two ways about it.

Some days I feel life is futile. Some days I feel life is meaningful. Some days I feel both. Contradiction is balance.

---

I hate you so bad
you are the "I hate you so bad" happy
bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your
not ashamed of it.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yesterday had a fantastic game of cricket I only saw half of. Being disillusioned with the Internet and everything computer-related, I decided to go out into the lounge and watch Australia play India with Mum and Alan. Thrilling first innings by the Indians, Yuvraj Singh just went nuts at the end, bashing 20 off four balls (six, four, four, six). It was beautiful to watch. He made 139, V. V. S. Laxman made 106 not out. I enjoyed it in a big way. But then I missed the second innings because I put the TV on, found it was currently delayed due to rain, and was tired so I went to bed at 8pm. I nearly wish I hadn't now because Mum tells me the score got revised to account for the rain delay and then Australia won with a single ball to spare. Damn, I wanted the Indians to win. They'll win the series anyway.
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