Axver (axver) wrote,

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I can sum up life very simply: '...?'

I'm going to do a big revision and rewrite of my article on why swearing isn't sinful, and I'd appreciate outside input. Anyone interested in being involved?

I've come up with another reason why I like U2 so much: whenever I listen to other bands, I always find there's something lacking that U2 has. I just wish there was more U2 to listen to. As in easily obtainable studio material, not bootlegs I have to trade for or singles I have to order in. But then again, the guys are perfectionists. I feel very proud whenever I see ads for Time featuring the picture of Bono on the cover of the March 4, 2002 issue. I feel so proud of them because they've been on the cover of Time at least two times. I don't think any other band's had that honour.

Rock's Hottest Ticket was the headline back in 1987, and what I love is that IT'S STILL TRUE! Indeed, it's been true since 1983's War tour. Hmm, it's interesting U2's tours were all named after their most recent album until the Lovetown tour (though that tour is obviously named in reference to the great song about salvation that is When Love Comes To Town).

I still don't understand why some people hated Pop and Popmart. That was musical genius if you ask me. Pop would've been brilliant even if every track but Gone had been raw sewage. That song makes the CD for me. It's still one of my favourite tracks of all time.

You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover
Then you discover
What you thought was freedom just was greed
No emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
Are you still holding on?
I'm not coming down (down)
I'm not coming down (down)
I'm not coming down

Gone ... sun ... time ... sun ...
Gone ... sun ... gone ... sun ...

And Popmart. POPMART! Anything with the world's biggest television screen at the time, a stage that almost looks like a spaceship, a moving forty foot lemon, and Bono wearing a bubble suit has to be a candidate for BEST TOUR OF ALL TIME! Of course, it doesn't beat the hanging Trabants, flashing screens, and MISTER MACPHISTO (!) of ZooTV or the sheer musical brilliance of the Joshua Tree and Lovetown tours or the white flag and 11 O'clock Tick Tock-ness of War (which I feel was the best tour - ZooTV loses on the sheer fact they didn't play 11 O'clock Tick Tock), but it was still freaking amazing.

Dire Straits = gooooood.

Got an e-mail from Dad today. He's positive he sent the card with the money. Grr. It certainly didn't get here. Ick. Wibble and quiver.

OK, so this started in a comment on Lauren's LJ, and then turned into my own little rant. I'll include the comment I'm replying to, then what I wrote, and it goes from there ...

' I'm afraid of changes, I think. I am so stuck on familiarity that I never get up the nerve to try anything new. This needs to change.'

And yet you claim spontaneity is good and urge me to do that? Hee. I'm anti-change. Things should either 1. stay EXACTLY as they are or 2. make themselves PERFECT (perfect, of course, being exactly how I want to be). I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm open to new things. If I don't know/like/have/want/whatever it now, it's obviously just not worth having/being/doing/whatevering. Or at least that's my philosophy, and an almost certainly flawed philosophy at that. I even hate going on holidays because it means going somewhere else.

The hypocritical thing is that I've ranted against this before, saying people need to be open and that it's wrong how people don't want to be put in a position where they might be challenged ... but I don't know, it's different with me. It's not that I don't want to be challenged, I just want to be challenged intellectually in a manner that I'm comfortable with. Of course, I've also said people should get themselves out of their comfort zone, but then again, I'm not really in a comfort zone. I've never felt like I've really belonged anywhere ever since I left New Zealand, and when I go back there, it's so obviously not what I left that I can't go back there. I left my comfort zone, and now the only comfort zone I have is what I build up in my head to drown out the world. For me, the biggest challenge is finding a place I'm content with, somewhere I truly feel comfortable. About the only place that really fits the mould right now is my room and the part of the Internet I frequent. I really just want somewhere to belong. Some people feel attached to certain areas, and while I'm attached to New Zealand, I'm attached to the New Zealand I knew, not the New Zealand of today. I don't feel like I belong on the Gold Coast, I feel like it's just some place I happen to be in ... I just want to go home, wherever that is.

Everything looks so very bleak from where I stand right now. Ever stood on the edge of a cliff and been surrounded by a thick fog, down below you can just see the waves wearing away the foundation of the cliff, and you feel like there's only you in the world? Add the factor of being lost and confused, and right there, you've got pretty much how I feel. I hate not knowing the future. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I want it to be worth something, I don't want to just toss it away and be like the rest of my family, suburban nobodies.

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside
I want to reach out and touch the flame
Where the streets have no name ...

For some reason, I feel like I'm finally actually chiselling away and getting into my mind, trying to find out ... things.

I hate change.
Yet I want to be challenged.
I want to be taken places.
But I want these places to be likeable.
However, I don't really know where I belong anyway.
I don't feel like I have a home.
I want somewhere to belong.
And everything looks so very bleak.
The future is hidden behind the horizon, and the path behind me is full of cracks and shame, and half the time I try to forget it's ever there. I don't want my past.
I want to be someone, I want my life to have mattered, and I do not want to end up being some nobody in suburbia.

I don't know what I want, really ... I just want, not necessarily happiness, but FULFILLMENT. Inside, I want to feel FULFILLED. Fulfillment brings happiness to me. I don't know how I can find fulfillment, either. I don't know what can bring it. That's a lie. Love. And that sounds like such a frigging cop-out, but it's so true. I don't want to continue this line of thought. I've finally found something too personal. It's not that I don't want to acknowledge it, I just don't want to continue it here. I don't know ... I might continue it with someone I like and trust. But no. Maybe if you're really close to me - I'm only looking at a few people here - you might be able to get more out of me, though what you'll get will probably be asinine and stupid, so I don't see why you'd bother.

Life leads nowhere, is desolate, confusing, irrational, and devoid of many things it shouldn't be devoid of. I'm so negative at the world and so positive towards that which I love. I want to demand of God why He's done many things the way He's done it, but I already know the answers to those questions because I've given them to other people so many times. Or do I have the questions wrong? What questions should I be asking? Should I be asking at all? What should I do?

Oh well ... *wallows in confusion and goes nowhere*

--- 12:12am ---

Far-Right Conservative
Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)

brought to you by Quizilla

Yep, that result's pretty much accurate. Far-right conservative sounds like me. Which is ironic because my political party is the Australian Liberal Party ... but then again there's no-one else to support here. You've got to be stupid to support Labour. I want to start my own political party on a basis of "I'm not a politician and I'll kill all the useless bastards when I get in power."
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