Axver (axver) wrote,

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A rock and a hard place

Y'know, some days I wonder why I bother having friends, why I bother revealing any of my personality to anyone. It just opens me up to problems and hurt and sometimes I don't think I should bother. I'd much rather retreat into my own world and let the rest of humanity go get zarked (however that is done). All night this crap with Sam has been playing on my mind - do you know how devastating it can be when your closest friend in the world comes out and seems to have a completely different morality than you thought they had? I had so much respect for Sam ... and now, some of what he's said hasn't been anything I expected from him EVER. It's like he's not the Sam I know. And then there's all kinds of other stuff, minor things that, in isolation, are so minor I usually don't bother even mentioning it, but now it's really accumulating and I don't know why the hell I let anyone in on my personality or say a word to them because it's just causing me trouble. I've hardly been able to work tonight because so much has been playing on my mind. Instead, I cleared the last of my junk off the pool table and played a couple of games of pool, albeit poorly.

And yet ... I need friends. I need to meet people and get to know them, people who share interests/likes/dislikes/beliefs/whatnot with me, and to do that, I need to open myself up and reveal things about myself. Even more importantly, I need love, desperately. I know what Paul was going on about when he said "the greatest of these is love" in 1 Corinthians 13. The lack of love in my life outside my family hurts me sometimes. Sometimes I hate these people whining about "Such-and-such likes me and I like her but I don't know how to ask her out" or whatever, because I want to yell at them and tell them to be fucking grateful that they at least know someone likes them. I don't have that and I never have. Sometimes I doubt I ever will. Am I likeable? Would anyone want to know me on any level beyond that of a friend? Would bla bla bla? I'm sick of all this "there'll be someone out there, Andre" crap that I'm always told, because it does NOT answer my question and it's just fake optimism most people try to tell me to make me happy, try to make me optimistic, and half the time it's just a nice way to say "Well, Andre, if you're lucky, some stupid half-blind girl will for some daft reason like you, but that's unlikely and you've really got no hope because you have the attractiveness of the rear end of a mule that's been dead for about a month."

So yes, where was I? Oh yes, I both don't want any friends at all and at the same time need and want them. Opening myself up and revealing anything about myself just seems to cause hurt, but I need to do that if I want to establish friendships and other meaningful relationships. Damn it all.

I'm just so shocked with this business with Sam. I don't understand it. I really don't. I want the Sam I know back, not this Sam with a different morality to what I thought and knew he had, a different morality to the one that I held in high respect, a ... I just don't get it.

On a completely different note, you know how most people have trouble with their assignments when it comes to reaching the word limit? I always have the opposite - I have great trouble staying inside the word limit and typically go over. Every year they mark you down more and more on this, but I wasn't even thinking of this as I hammered out my Geography assignment, which has an absolute maximum of 1500 words. So you can imagine the shock I got when I discovered I'd written nearly 2500 words and wasn't even close to finishing. So all day I've been trying to cut it down, and earlier I simply gave up and restarted in a much shorter fashion. It's now probably just going to scrape in under the word limit, but it so pisses me off because the long version was PERFECT. Impeccable detail, everything covered, nothing omitted - it was an A for sure. But this slosh ... it's short, it's compressed, it's missing heaps of stuff ... it can't hold a candle to the wonderful assignment I'll never hand in.

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