Axver (axver) wrote,

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A long entry I've been wanting to make

I've found today that swearing can really be a release. I'm sick of Tom getting on my back about swearing. I don't swear much, and when I do, it's called for. He knows that. But when I try to talk to him about it, he just won't listen. He won't hear my arguments and probably when I hand him my article, not read it ... he just keeps on spewing forth the same "you shall not swear" and "only let pure words come from your mouth" tripe. How can saying a WORD be sinful? How is it sinful if I say 'fuck'? It's a WORD. A word, in and of itself, CANNOT BE SINFUL. Why doesn't he get it? Gratuitous use, now that's probably wrong, but a word itself can't be wrong. Indeed, I find it such a release sometimes. It really has been lately.

School Patrick has problems. Severe problems. That boy needs a mental institute and fast. Here's the story of Pat.

He's a stalker. Plain and simple. He's stalked about half the girls in the grade, and it's flaming disturbing. One girl, Nina, really got it bad from him. He was obsessed with her, and would just stand there watching her. He still has a 'Z' in his hand that he carved in, but it's not really a 'Z', it's an 'N' for 'Nina' ... and she's not the only one he's stalked. Him and Hamilton are the biggest perverts. Hanging around with Pat can often make others think poorly of you too. Pat will also start arguments, and often, when someone says they like a particular computer game or whatever, he'll just take up the opposing position to be a prat. Or he'll cling to the game, focusing his entire life around it. And he clings to people. He so badly clung to Sam ... it was like he wanted to be Sam, and did almost just what Sam did. He manipulates people too ... he makes them feel sorry for him or twists them to his own means. What he did to Aaron early this year was fucking disgusting (no other words for it), and that's all I want to say about that incident.

So we just got sick of this, and one day last week, we (being Sam, Tom, Jamie, Aaron, and myself) didn't show up where we normally sit and went elsewhere. Just left Pat with Burns, Hamilton, and Grant. Of course, Patrick didn't appreciate this at all, and finally found out where we were sitting - over in a low-populated spot outside the hall - but instead of approaching us, he just stood in the science block and WATCHED us. It was very disturbing.

So since then, he's been trying all kinds of stuff. He's tried to talk to Sam - Sam's explained everything to him, but Pat's suddenly become all stupid and has to have everything explained a thousand times over before he has an inkling of a chance of getting the gist of it - he keeps on harping on about how every night, he prays that Sam will be a better friend (Pat, remove the log from your own eye first), he's tried to make people feel sorry for him, and now he's acting like everything between Sam and him is perfectly normal. Sometimes he'll try to badmouth Sam to me or make himself look good ... whenever I bring up his own faults, he says he's working on fixing things, but I'm not sure about that. He's made being a disturbing, manipulative, clingy stalker his personality. It's not a part of him, it IS him, and I'm not sure I want to even speak to him any more. I want to hang around with my friends, not with some bloke who makes me look bad and is probably trying to twist me to suit his own purpose. He'll cling to someone, attach himself to them, try to love what they love or alternatively hate what they love and love what they hate, manipulate them to always take his side and believe his exaggerations, half-truths, and white lies, and cause all kinds of petty disputes.

So yes, enough about Patrick. So much turmoil has stemmed from us, in effect, rejecting him, and there's a lot more to it but it's hard to explain, and a lot more I want to rant about in relation to it but I don't have the words. I'll just be glad when everything's all over.

Stayed the night at Sam's on Saturday night and we had a really good talk about all kinds of things. He's such a great friend. Realised a few things about myself in the process ... some of my problems and all of my fears stem from my bad eyesight, I am way too shy and need to let go of some of my fears of social interaction, that I care a lot more than many people but sometimes I care too much about the wrong things, and Sam says that part of the reason why I am arrogant and have a superiority complex (in regards to some things, not necessarily all) is because I often am better than everyone else or at least most people, especially when it comes to stuff like writing, debating, and subjects like history and geography. Of course, sometimes in depth discussions like these can have real downsides, and this didn't prove to be an exception. One thing I have real trouble talking about is stuff relating to love, relationships, and the like, and so, lo and behold, guess what my issue is right now - the one thing I struggle to talk about. So yes ... Brooke still plays on my mind from time to time, and a few times I've contemplated asking that guy I know in her grade at her school about her, but she won't be the girl I remember and I'm definitely not the person she'd remember, so I'm not going to ask. Otherwise ... I seem to have this hole inside me, and I'm really trying to figure things out: is it through lack of some sort of really meaningful relationship, or is it because my relationship with God isn't strong enough? I don't know. Why does it have to be an "either/or" situation? ... could be "both/and."

I'm looking forward to an early night tonight. Ahh ...

--- 8:50 ---

A week or two ago, not long before the move, Trudy and I were talking one afternoon and I mentioned how I didn't want to pack or anything, and the conversation went a little something like this ...

Me: "I really don't feel like packing."
Trudy: "At least you don't have to worry about redirecting and cancelling phone and power and stuff like that."
"Although when you grow up ..."
Me, JOKINGLY: "I'll get my wife to do it."
"You'll have to get a wife who's prepared to do everything for you."
"Haha, yeah, that'd be good. Although I feel sorry for whoever my future wife will be ... she'll have to put up with my U2 fanaticism."
"Yeah, poor girl."
"All the U2 videos and CDs and bootlegs ..."
"... preferably with close links to Bono."
"OH YES! That would be GRAND!"
"So ... the perfect wife for you likes U2 and is close to Bono ... you should marry Bono's daughter."
"Hmmm ... yes, I like this idea. Alright then, it's settled. Arrange the ceremony. I'm marrying one of Bono's daughters."

Anyone here familiar with anything by Soren Kierkegaard? We're studying some stuff about him in SOR at the moment and it's really fascinating. Must say, so far, I agree with his theories.

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