Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

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A severe character flaw or two

I was going to make a pretty pointless entry, talking about "I've just fallen in love with these songs", "this is what I'm going to do for such-and-such assignment", "I just talked on the phone to Jamie for nearly two hours" (which I did just do), and so on, but that's avoiding what I was and should post about.

I am a perfectionist and obsessed with success.

I admit it. There's nothing I like more than being top of the class. There's nothing I like more than being told my exam result was better than everyone else's. There's nothing I like more than winning Dux of the grade. I am full of my own success. I love it, I crave it, I need it. Even worse, I hate it when other people achieve higher than me and that's been happening more and more lately because I'm so full of my own academic greatness and procrastinate so much that I don't study enough.

This is obviously a problem.

However, how do I go about solving it? Lately, I've realised I probably won't win Dux this year, and even worse, it'll probably go to someone I don't like, rather than someone I do like, such as Chantelle last year. I'll probably just have to settle for an Academic Award. However, I've been struggling to take this. I've been feeling envious, jealous, bitter, and the like. I've wanted that Dux and I'm pissed that I'm being beaten. Ever since I realised I probably wouldn't win and gotten these feelings, I've tried to deny them. I've told myself "No, Andre, winning Dux doesn't matter. So what if you don't win it?" I just can't keep that act going any more, though. I need to actually solve this problem once and for all. I need to be able to accept defeat and to be able to try my best without trying to outdo everyone at the same time. This is a really hard attitude to break, and I honestly don't know how.

My real nature has slowly come out over the last few months, some of it through accusations that proved to be true, some of it through my own probing of my personality: I am an arrogant, selfish, self-centred person who is full of himself, thinks he knows it all (Have I ever thought I'm wrong? Ha, nope), and has a desire to beat everyone in sight. It's good that I have a drive to succeed and do well, but not when it's a selfish one like that. I need some form of help. I don't like this side of my personality, I'm sick of feeling resentful every time people beat me in something academic, I'm sick of feeling envious that other people are taking my Dux away from me (the fact I call it "my Dux" probably says something too), and so forth. I'd pray about it ... but prayer sort of isn't working lately. It seems to be working when I pray about other people or things in the world, but when it's for me ... it's just not doing anything. Maybe because my heart's not in it. I pray for my arrogance to be removed, but I still think I'm so great and thus I don't really mean the prayer. I try so hard to mean it ... and maybe that's completely missing the point. I don't know. I just wish someone could give me a quick-fix answer; I want to just fall at the feet of someone and have them fix it all right now ... and I know that's not going to happen, so I want to throw myself at God's feet and give it all over to him, but I can't see His feet to throw myself at them.

Blech.

Maybe something's meant to happen in the future with me and her, but that's very wishful thinking and I'll probably never see her again. I probably wouldn't recognise her if I saw her at the shops. But I still have trouble looking at the class photos from grades six and seven. She probably doesn't remember me, but, damn it, I still remember her. Her name was Brooke. I don't remember when it was that I first spoke to her or saw her or thought I loved her or anything like that, but for at least a year, I was madly in love with her. I extremely doubt she ever had a clue about my feelings. Really, she may've thought a bit about how I felt towards her, because I did often try to get her attention, but I doubt she ever liked me much. I was just that guy in class who was pretty bright, wasn't bad at handball and routinely beat Sean, and memorised Pi to more decimal places than it should be remembered to. I tried to position myself so that I sat near her in class, I would try to pull off the most incredible handball moves when she walked by, I tried to achieve and do well so that she might just notice me and talk to me, and sometimes I would even talk to her during class or at the end of the day, but never anything serious, never what I wanted. She was the nicest girl. Fairly intelligent, most delightful personality, good looking ... I couldn't fault her.

So I always waited. I always waited for her to talk to me, to sit with me at lunch or during class, to make some comment that would spark some long comment, ANYTHING. I was too shy to approach her, and if end up a loner for my entire life, it's because of how shy I am. I try to deny just how shy I am. And when I got my one big chance, after I recited Pi to 156 decimal places in front of everyone's parents as part of a class open day, she walked up to me and complimented me on it, AND I FUCKING BLEW IT. I just said "Thanks, yeah ... wasn't that hard, really ..." and that was it. That was fucking IT. I remember looking back on it and realising exactly what I should've done ... EIGHT HOURS TOO FUCKING LATE.

And the worst memory is my last day of primary school. If I remember correctly, it was December 12, 1999. For the entire last week, I'd been planning to ask her out. I really had. On the last day, I was going to do it. And I couldn't. I can still remember watching her walk ... walk away. I can see it now. I can see the afternoon sun, the exact angle it was on, exactly what she was wearing, exactly how she walked ... I remember it ALL. And there was nothing I could do but watch her walk straight out of my life.

Before anyone tells me, yes, I'm a realist, and I know the odds of any relationship working and lasting are so remarkably slim it's not funny. But that doesn't mean to say that it would have DEFINITELY not lasted, and it certainly does not diminish my feelings and the fact I still remember her now, FOUR YEARS ON. She's the only girl I've ever really loved, as evidenced by the fact I still remember her and still miss her. Holy shit I'm lame. I've had teenage crushes: there was Lauren B. (there's four Laurens in my grade), Catherine, Holly ... but I now have feelings for none of them and don't really desire them or anything. They're nice enough people ... but they never were to me what Brooke was. I cannot believe it's four years on and I'm still remembering her. Shouldn't I be over her? Shouldn't I have long forgotten? Shouldn't I have left her behind as just one of those crushes you have when you're young?

And yet she keeps on cropping up in my life. For example, my mother does sewing for some of her friends, and one day we were around at one of her friend's houses a few months ago, and who was there but Brooke's mother! Surprisingly, she remembered me. I must be a memorable fellow. And now, through a group conversation on MSN with some guys from my school and some of their friends from elsewhere, I've met a guy who goes to Brooke's high school and is in her grade. One day I might ask him if he knows her, what she's like, how she is, and stuff like that.

Really, there has to be a reason that I still remember and miss Brooke to this day. It's so flaming stupid that I do ... it's not normal to remember a person this long, it can't be. There has to be some purpose. And yet the idea of there being some purpose is most likely just wishful thinking on my behalf and I need to hurry up and get over her once and for all, just totally blot out all memory of her.

Feel free to call me stupid and tell me to stop remembering. I know you're right.
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