Axver (axver) wrote,

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Like a freeway out

Like faith needs a doubt ... I need Your love ...

*hearts* So true. Bono is a genius.

1. Don't you hate it when you forget about REALLY important events? This morning I was on my way to school, when suddenly I exclaimed "HOLY SHIT!" and Mum went for the brakes, thinking I'd forgotten something for school. But I yelled "DRIVE, DRIVE!" for in actual fact, I needed to hurry up and get to school. I had totally forgotten that this morning was the Senior Leader induction ceremony, and as one of the people being inducted, I needed to be there extra-early. To make things worse, I'd forgotten to brush my teeth, forgotten to put deodorant on, unsatisfactorily combed my hair, and failed to polish my shoes over the weekend.

But it didn't matter. What a relief. The ceremony went pretty easily, and now I have a nice little "Senior Leader" badge on my blazer. Hopefully I'll be able to add "Prefect" to that. Turns out "Senior Leader" isn't a cop-out new title for "Prefect", but that "Prefect" is a higher level of leader (don't ask me how, I think it's just in the title), given as a reward for leaders who have performed in an above average manner.

2. Sore winners and people who find pleasure in others losing are really, really, REALLY annoying. When I lose a debate, it is not acceptable practice to laugh at me.

3. Now here comes the big rant. For those of you who would prefer to avoid certain words, skip over this now.

I HATE HOUSE DEBATING. I AM NOT GOD. STOP EXPECTING WESLEY TO WIN JUST BECAUSE I'M ON THE FUCKING TEAM. STOP GIVING ME TWO FUCKING USELESS SPEAKERS THAT I'M SOMEHOW SUPPOSED TO WIN WITH. STOP EXPECTING ME TO BE THIS BLOODY GLORIOUS DEBATOR WHO CAN WIN NO MATTER HOW SHIT THE OTHER TWO SPEAKERS ARE. I'm sick and tired of this. People expect Wesley to win just because I'm on the team. Even though our first and second speakers are SHIT and have NO DEBATING TALENT WHATSOEVER, we are still expected to utterly waste everybody in sight, and why? Because of me! Three average debators will beat one good and two useless debators any day of the week. We don't stand a bloody chance, and to expect me to win is so fucking unfair.

AND THEN TO HAVE THE GALL TO ACCUSE ME OF LOSING THE HOUSE SHIELD FOR WESLEY? FUCK OFF. To pin it all on me is so completely unfair it's not funny, ESPECIALLY WHEN I'VE TRIED MY HARDEST TO WIN DEBATING, and then to hype the house shield up into such a big deal that you can use it to make me feel thoroughly rotten is even worse. It's just a flaming house shield, but it's so important in the politics of my school and to accuse ME of losing it for us ... it just makes me sick. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. Give me a good first and second speaker AND WE COULD WIN. EASILY. Last year we had another good debator and WON. We utterly thumped our opposition. But when I have two talentless wonders on my team who, no matter how much I try to help them, just can't seem to do it ... HOW THE ZOOROPA ARE WE EXPECTED TO WIN? If I could debate it MYSELF, then we may be in with a shot, but of course that's agaisnt the rules, so instead I have a first and second speaker who have TOTALLY NO IDEA and thus I have to put on a good enough speech to account for their supreme failings ... of course this doesn't work because it's nigh on impossible for me to not only get back the points they lost but then take us on to victory.

I'm so glad house debating's over this year. I used to look forward to it. I loved house debating. It was fun. WAS. But now everyone's putting all this unfair expectation on me, and when we fail despite my best efforts, THEY BLAME ME. How the hell is it my fault? AND THEN WHEN PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN I LOSE! WHEN THEY DANCE AROUND AND SAY "I/WE BEAT ANDRE! WE'RE THE GREATEST" ... sore bloody winners. And, in any case, no, you did NOT beat me. Listen to me for a fucking second and let me explain how the debate went. I try to explain to people why we lost the debate - that the other speakers' speeches were too short, that they made critical errors, that the opposition's first speaker set up the case better than ours because they had experience, et cetera - but NO-ONE LISTENS. LISTEN TO ME. I'm trying to give you an insight to what really happens, but all you want to do is dance around and rub this loss in my face. This makes me feel like complete shit and it's so very wrong. How would you like it if I laughed in your face if you lost a game/competition/event/whatever of your favourite extra-curricular activity? You'd floor me. So don't expect me to be pleasant when you laugh at me. Don't be surprised when I pull the finger at you and tell you all to fuck off like you were today, BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE. You'd do exactly the bloody same if you'd poured your heart out for a victory, tried your hardest with a bunch of inexperienced people, lost, and then had someone laugh when you inform them of the result.

Wow, that really made me feel better.

4. Grr, I'm sick of the stuff in German just not sinking in. I study it, and when I read it I understand it, but when I go to speak it, I just cannot remember a word. This is really annoying, and I'm struggling here. Bleh.

5. Expectation is THE WORST. It doesn't just happen to me in debating, either. I'm sick of it. I want to smash all these people who expect so much for me and rip me to shreds when I don't live up to their expectations. Do they understand how hard it is to live up to their expectations and how painful it is when they make fun of your failure or inability to reach their often ridiculous goals? It really hurts. It probably shouldn't but it DOES. So I failed a maths test. THAT WAS LAST BLOODY YEAR. Stop bringing it back up. So I didn't get as a high a mark as you think I should've. I tried my best. So your sister's beating me in SOR. Why am I supposed to beat everyone in sight?

Make it stop. Truly. I know I shouldn't let all these expectations get to me, I know I shouldn't worry about it or anything, but when you try so hard on something and then someone laughs at you when you don't get the mark THEY expected you to get, it really hurts. I'm now starting to develop this fear of getting assessment results back, not because I'm afraid of getting anything less than an A, but because I'm afraid of the consequences of getting less than an A. People seem to hold me to this insanely high standard in EVERYTHING that they can't reach (Oh big woop you beat me in Maths B - could you ever get close to me in geography?), and it's cruel and unfair. It makes me feel rotten and it really does hurt. I don't need all this bother. I try not to let it get inside, but it does. I want to escape from all the flaming moronic peer pressure and vicious expectations and similar crap of school. I just want to be free of this pain I feel whenever I don't live up to the expectations set by other people. I want to be free to learn and to achieve to the best of my abilities without anyone tearing me down when I fail to reach a specific point they've set.

6. This leads to another point. I'm sick of people who come to school just to muck up and waste time. I actually go because I want to learn, to acquire knowledge, to be taught essential and/or beneficial skills, and to grow as a person in many varying ways. So to those of you who wish to come into English class and make crude jokes, those of you that want to throw around pieces of rubbers in Maths B, those of you who want to make snide comments in Geography, and those of you who just don't care and feel school is totally stupid, it would be kindly appreciated by myself and all others who take school seriously that you decide to be respectful and not waste our time or infringe on our learning, either by focusing yourself and having some self-control, or by simply not showing up. (The following is specific to my area and is NOT meant to be a general comment on state versus private schooling) I expect people in the state system to muck up, to not care, and to be disruptive louts, but at a private school like mine, I actually expect people to learn and have some common decency. Is that too much to ask?

7. Didn't go shopping for a computer this afternoon. Mum needed to go home, so we're going to go tomorrow afternoon instead. Hopefully.

8. I'm thoroughly sick of assignments. I've got a heap due in about two weeks and I better get some solid work done on them. Can't fail all those pricks who place unrealistic and burdensome demands on me, can I? To be serious, I can't fail my potential, can I?

9. Blech, better start packing up my room for the move. I really don't like moving ... I guess everyone who's moved can relate. All the packing and unpacking, trying to sort out what you want, destroying the comfortable environment you've created for yourself in your room, trying to decide what should be tossed out, et cetera. But this move should be for the better.

On another note, I would just like to give all of you, my online friends, a big thank you. Every day, at least one of you posts something funny, makes a humorous observation, says something that brings a smile to my face, comments about something interesting and intriguing, or does something else that really makes my day, and I love you all for it. Thank you, very much. Coming online can be such a delightful refuge sometimes.

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