Axver (axver) wrote,

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For quite a while, I've been feeling very distant from God. I was starting to think it was getting better, but no, it just appears to be getting worse. Whenever I pray ... it's just not working. I don't feel like God's hearing me, like it's serving any purpose, like I'm saying what I should ... I feel like God's just turned and walked away. Sometimes when I pray, it just feels all very scripted and dull, like I'm just going through the motions, and other times it feels like it doesn't mean anything. I don't feel like I'm talking to myself ... I almost feel like I'm talking to a deaf man or someone who just doesn't care. Here's one example to describe how I feel: I'm inside a house, God's outside. I'm calling out to Him, but the windows and doors are shut, the walls are solid, and He just can't hear me. I'm looking for Him in the house, but He's not there. I get this feeling I'm looking for Him in the wrong places, but I don't know where to look. When I pray, it's just not working, and I read some of my Bible last night and it didn't really help. I'm getting to the point where I don't really care about forgiveness of sin apart from the little avoiding Hell matter, and I just wish I could have the strong connection to God like I used to. Only thing is, I don't know how I lost that connection or how to get it back. I'm terribly confused.

Where do I go? What do I do? What can I do to save myself? I feel myself doubting my salvation sometimes, at other times I find myself just not caring about what God thinks, sometimes I just don't know ... I feel like I'm living in confusion. Of course, this has come at the worst possible time. I've come to rely on God and prayer to get me through difficult and stressful times, and I have the most stressful few weeks of my schooling life coming up soon. This is the time when I need Him most. And yet, during the German exam yesterday, I didn't really feel like praying. It didn't feel like it was worth it. I did anyway, because I felt I should and that I would need God's help, but it wasn't what it used to be, not at all.

At the moment, the only Biblical subject I'm really interested in is eschatology, the study of things relating to the End, and that's because it fascinates me. I'll read passages about various things being wrong and commands for holy living and all the stuff like that, make this decision to strictly follow that, try my hardest to change my ways ... and then the next day, I just totally forget about it, or, on the worst days, I just don't care. I'm not doubting the existence of God - I don't think I ever will, because He's a constant in my life, as naturally there as breathing is - but I'm having trouble talking to Him and knowing Him. As I said, it's like He's outside the house, and I'm inside. I'm searching all around, I'm yelling out to Him, calling for Him to help me, to save me, but He's outside, He's not in here, and no matter what I do, He just won't hear me, or if He replies, I just won't hear Him.

I feel like I'm going down a sewer, in a way. Like I'm just slipping away from the light. I know I need help, and I know I need God in my life, but I don't know what help I need or how to know God and have Him in my life. I don't know how I should act. I'm not naturally a loving person except to those I'm close to and like (I'm such a tax collector, as per Matthew 5:40-something) - this is because I'm very hesitant to show love and emotions. People say that we should show Christ in our lives, that God's love should be evident in the way we live, that we should do all the things for His glory: alright, and just how do you plan to do that? More precisely, just how am I supposed to do that? People sometimes accuse me of being cold and distant, and if you don't know me well, I can fully understand why you'd think that because I'm quite introverted and only open up to people I know well. I often struggle to show emotions to people I'm not close to - long story behind that. And just how does one glorify God in their daily life, especially when one's feeling very distant from Him? How am I supposed to offer glory to Him when I'm doing a maths equation, visiting my locker, or going to the bathroom? How am I supposed to feel close to Him, hear/see His answers to prayer, feel like I'm actually talking to Him when I pray, feel His impact in my life?

Lately, I've noticed a lot of faults in myself. Both stuff I've only just realised and stuff I thought I'd stopped but obviously not. Now I used to be able to ask God for help and depend on Him, but now ... now I don't know what to do. I've recognised I'm a hypocrite, that I'm arrogant and egotistical, that I'm selfish ... stuff like that. I used to have issues with anger and although it's pretty much resolved, it still comes through sometimes. I want to fix these problems, I don't want to be such a hypocrite or be selfish or anything, but I don't know what to do about it. I used to pray to God and rely on strength, but now ... I can't do that. I WANT that, I want to be strong in Him, but I just feel so distant.

I just ... I don't know. I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm struggling, and I just don't know what to do. I need help, but I don't know where to look. I wish I had a church to go to ... sure, you could tell me to find one, but I'm a very introverted person and I'm quite uncomfortable in new places, so I wouldn't really feel comfortable with opening up to a pastor for quite a while yet. By then, it might be too late, and I just don't want to be confused for that long. I don't want to wait months and months and months for things to improve. Lots of things can happen in a few months. Not to sound stupid or whiny or anything, but can anyone help me?

In other news, the speech competition is in just A WEEK. I haven't even begun. I didn't realise it was coming up so soon ... UH-OH. I better get my speech written, and FAST. I need to choose a topic first ...

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