| Nine days in a leaky boat. |
[8 July 2007|02:35 pm] |
Well, I'm back from New Zealand. It was quite the trip.
( Nine days back home. ) |
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[28 June 2007|11:17 pm] |
Tomorrow, I leave for New Zealand. I won't be able to get on LJ or reply to e-mailed comment notifications while I'm there. I don't want to go. There are the usual factors, coupled with the fact this is my longest trip to New Zealand in many, many years and I'm really worried about my fish. They have food to last them; I just hope it dissolves at a satisfactory rate and they like it. I honestly feel guilty about leaving them here. I'm told zebrafish are pretty hardy though, so they'll hopefully be OK.
But what gives me greatest pause is seeing Grandpa. At the moment, things aren't quite real. The image of Grandpa that I have in my mind is one of good health and humour. Now, I'm sure his sense of humour will still be going strong, but ... seeing him will very much make things real and that scares me. I don't want it to be real. Shame that reality's such a difficult thing to deny.
I of course want to go too. I am very much a bundle of conflicting emotions. I very much want to see Grandpa, especially now as time with him feels so much more limited. But the reality upsets me. I'll have to face it in less than two days. I fly to Wellington tomorrow, spend the night with my father, then fly down to Nelson the next morning. We fly back to Wellington Friday next week, I get to see my other grandfather and visit the Kapiti Coast, and then come home early Sunday morning.
These conflicting emotions don't make any sense. I keep trying to look on the bright side just for the sake of my sanity: I'm getting to go back to NZ much earlier than I anticipated (I was very much not expecting to go back until next year sometime), I get to see grandparents who I haven't seen in ages, I get to go back to my hometown, I'll get away from the monotony of hanging around my house by myself. But I can only keep that up for so long. Then I remember that Grandpa's seriously ill. It's rather unpleasant.
Oh well, I know none of this is really making much sense. On a more positive note, a fact from an article I wrote on Wikipedia about the Seddonville branch line railway made the main page's "do you know?" section. Its time on the main page ended just before I began writing the entry, and the fact was: "did you know that the New Zealand Railways Department dumped tank locomotives of the WB class in the Mokihinui River to protect against erosion beside the route of the Seddonville Branch line?" Tremendously thrilling, I know. Well, it was of interest to me, and enough out of the ordinary that it made the page. That gave me a little smile.
On that note, I shall leave you fine people. I hope you all have a wonderful nine days. I will try to enjoy my time in New Zealand as best I can. Even if it isn't the most joyful of circumstances, I will at least get some quality time with Grandpa, and that I am very much looking forward to. Until I return, have a good one, folks! |
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[25 June 2007|10:34 pm] |
A week ago, I was doing the final study for my exams and expecting to do absolutely nothing over the winter holidays except work on my journal article. How things rapidly change!
Before my second exam, I had a massive asthma attack. Probably the second worst I've had; it was definitely the worst in terms of how hard it was to breathe, but I could feel it abating, unlike one I was hospitalised for when I was 12 that just kept getting worse. So now I have to take my exam for that subject later these holidays. I'm trying to look at it optimistically: more time to study.
But that is really a trifling event in perspective. My Grandpa has been diagnosed with cancer. Lymphoma, though I'm not quite sure what type. I initially got the false implication that, as bad as that is, it had been caught early and good cause for optimism existed. I have since learnt that it wasn't caught early, and although he isn't totally screwed, it's nonetheless worse than I thought. Accordingly, I'm flying to New Zealand to spend a week with him in Nelson. I leave on Friday. Before I come back early on the morning of Sunday the 8th, I'll get to spend Saturday in the North Island visiting my other grandfather. That will be good, and I'll be able to have my first decent trip to my hometown for ... four years, at least. I've missed the place. I would have liked to have stayed even longer and spent a day in the Wairarapa, but after over a week away from home, I'll be wanting to get home, especially as I'm worried about my fish! I'm heading down to the pet shop tomorrow in the hopes that they have something to keep my fish fed while I'm gone, as Kate's in the middle of a trip home to the States and I don't know anyone else who could come and feed them.
Grandpa's news hasn't really quite sunk in yet. It feels eerie that just a few months ago, I was thinking about how remarkable it was that I've made it to 20 years old with all my grandparents alive. I don't think I know anyone else like that; most people I know have lost at least half their grandparents. But my maternal grandparents are quite young and my paternal grandparents (including Grandpa) seemed in good health for their age. I had started to become quite comfortable and content, like nothing was going to change, though I admit the thought ran through my head that surely this couldn't last. I have never lost anyone very close to me in my 20 years; I have only ever been to one funeral, for an old neighbour. As much as that's a blessing, it has also contributed to a fear of death: I have no idea how I am going to react when it finally inevitably happens, but I imagine it will be very, very bad. You know, I really had started to believe my grandparents would all live to see their great-grandkids if I got married and had children around the average age for Kiwis and Aussies. Now, unless there is a miracle ... I don't even want to say it. My Grandpa is amazing. He survived Tangiwai. He has the most incredible random stories. And I think his most memorable trait is his horrifically lame wit; no-one tells jokes as lame as he does and I love it. Dad tells me that Grandpa's sense of humour hasn't abated in the slightest, so that's a good sign. I can't wait to hear what he has to say about the lymphoma.
So that's the news from Axverland. 2007 has fucking sucked. I'm off to listen to the heaviest music I can find; it's about all that makes me feel better. The drone doom style of Jesu should do the trick.
Be well, folks, and have a good one. A really good one. |
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contemplative
depressed