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Axver

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[8 February 2008|10:15 pm]
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[Current Music |'Lit By The Light Of Morning' by Sculptured]

Things are looking up. My mother was allowed to go home from hospital today. She sounds very tired and exhausted, but at least she's on the mend and by all accounts received really good care. Whether she will remain healthy long term remains to be seen; it sounds like things are a bit unpredictable. However, she follows the doctors' instructions very closely, so hopefully she can avoid further issues.

My Grandpa's funeral was today. I really wish I could have been there. Strangely, nobody has contacted me at all. I sent my father a text message and I haven't heard back. I'm a bit worried how everybody is taking this, especially my grandmother. They were married nearly 53 years.

I don't really have much else to say today. Sri Lanka were absolutely embarrassing in the cricket. Their bowlers were competent, but almost the whole team totally and utterly failed with the bat. The high point was Muttiah Muralitharan of all people smashing Nathan Bracken for six straight down the park. Shame the game was over a ball later. Also, I am convinced that with every passing game, Bracken looks more and more like a girl I went to school with.

Have a good one, folks.
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Don't you just love life? [5 February 2008|10:06 pm]
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[Current Mood | worried]
[Current Music |'Hatesong' by Porcupine Tree]

Dear life, the universe, and everything else,

Please, give me a bit of a break. I had quite enough on my plate with Grandpa's passing. It's the first time I've lost anybody close to me and I'm having a rough time of it, you know? I was starting to make progress, though. I was going to go out shopping, get back to my e-mails, and try to return to the swing of things. Then of course you just have to go and kick me when I'm down with my mother being admitted to hospital due to a recurrence of the pancreatitis that had her rushed to hospital the day I began my move to Melbourne last year. Thanks, life. Thanks a bloody lot. Sure, she's OK now, with good medical treatment and painkillers and all that good stuff, but I don't exactly like my mother ending up in Accident & Emergency and I sure as hell don't welcome the news that no matter how well she follows medical advice and is very careful with regards to her actions and diet, she is likely to suffer seemingly random pancreatic problems like this for the rest of her life. So now I'm both grieving and worried. Just what I wanted.

Well, at least the cricket's been good, albeit rain-affected. I'd never watched Lasith Malinga's bowling action before - he doesn't bowl overarm, he bowls roundarm, and it's quite an extraordinary thing to watch. It's like he doesn't have an elbow! I've tried to replicate it but it's not easy. And in other news, the Porcupine Tree tour anticipation has kept my spirits up a bit. I baked really delicious chocolate muffins at midnight last night - yes, that's my solution to being unable to sleep. Apparently I'm taking after my mother there. Now I suppose I'll go take after my father and pour a glass of wine, turn up the music, try not to get bogged down dwelling on negatives, and wish the cricket that was going so well earlier hadn't been washed out. Why the hell do they schedule day-nighters in Brisbane in summer anyway? What do you associate with summer evenings in Queensland? That's right, storms. They should at least have the common sense to schedule the matches at the start or finish of the season, i.e. spring and autumn, or figure out a way to put a roof on the 'Gabba and find the money to do it.

So yes, thanks life. This is precisely how I wanted my February to begin; trying to drown out reality by absorbing myself in cricket and music. Can't say the month looks like improving either. Thanks a bunch.

Cheers,
Ax
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[4 February 2008|11:17 pm]
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[Current Mood | depressed]
[Current Music |'Half Light' by Porcupine Tree]

It's hard to know what to write. It's one thing to know I need to move on and keep going with life; it's another to actually get back into the swing of things. I don't feel like I can just make one of my ordinary blog entries. I don't know how I'm meant to just go back to that. I never knew days could feel so long. I initially thought I'd gone a few days without making an entry, but the tribute entry was very much made yesterday morning. I've been passing the time just mindlessly posting on Interference and viewing clips on YouTube and watching the cricket - gradually trying to face reality again. I never knew a rain affected one day cricket match could feel so long. India got to play 45 of their 50 overs, but the match had to be abandoned after only 7 overs of the Australian innings, and yet it felt like an entire five day Test to me. There is another game tomorrow. I can't quite believe these games have been separated by only one day. It feels like it's been so much more, an entire week.

I won't be going to the funeral. It's hard to explain how I feel about this; I am very much in two minds. Being there would be a form of closure; I'm so far away and so very disconnected from everyone that it does not seem quite real. The next time I go to Grandma's place - you see, I nearly typed "Grandma and Grandpa's place", and he won't be there and that will be very difficult to accept. But then there's the other side of things, that the last time I saw Grandpa was the most special and lovely day, and if I had to choose any note to end things on, that is undeniably it. I could not ask for more. Not to mention that Grandpa would say that all the expense of coming to New Zealand isn't worth it when he's not even going to be there, and he would certainly be much happier if the money is spent on something else.

And being on my lonesome here in Melbourne is not all bad; I've been able to work through things on my own, and for someone like me, my solitude is important. Almost everyone's been calling me or talking to me on AIM or e-mailing me too, and that's helped a lot. It's interaction that also allows me to keep some of my solitude. I also very deeply value the comments you folks have left on my entries; I've been quite touched by that. I know it's hard to articulate what to say, I don't know what to say when I talk to my family, but to just know people care - that's important. And to read those comments, or to share supportive silences over the phone, that's quite valuable.

I'm having trouble sleeping. I think about everything. And I don't use my days productively enough. I was meant to make muffins this evening but I haven't yet. Probably a bit late now. Might anyway. I at least have the Porcupine Tree tour to anticipate. And sometimes the news springs an item of amusement on me. This gave me a welcome chuckle today. Do you have blue eyes? If, like me, you do, then you're an inbred mutant!

I really hope all of you and your families are well.
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Goodbye [3 February 2008|10:17 am]
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[Current Mood | sad]
[Current Music |'Collapse The Light Into Earth' by Porcupine Tree]


Last sunset



Let me tell you a story.

Christmas Eve, 1953. The Tangiwai disaster. Somehow, Grandpa managed to escape the second carriage alive as the lahar tore it to shreds. He found himself in the raging torrent of the river on a dark night in the isolated central North Island. The cocktail of sulphur, ash, dirt, coal, engine oil, and other debris blinded him. He reached for something, anything to grasp onto, and caught hold of something soft that was floating by. It seemed small and he had no idea what it was. Perhaps a pillow from the train - there was no way to be sure. He just clung to it for dear life and struggled against the lahar.

Somehow, he made it to the edge of the river and got out of the ferocious torrent. He was about to abandon the "pillow" when he thought he heard it wimper. Was it a small child, perhaps 2 to 3 years old? He had no way to know. He was badly injured, he was blinded, and even if he could see, it was the middle of a wet, dark night. He simply clutched whatever it was he held and with just one hand climbed the steep bank. He made it to the top - who knows how; he didn't. But he made it with his "pillow". By the time he got to the top, people had arrived on the scene of the disaster and had set up their cars so that their headlights illuminated the scene. This just made things worse, because any attempt to open his eyes just left him dazzled, bewildered, and even more blind. He still had no idea what he was holding. One of the rescuers saw him, and with an exclamation, noticed what Grandpa was holding - it must have been a child. The rescuer scooped up the child and simply ran for help. Meanwhile, another person gave Grandpa a drink, he thought it was water and drank quickly only to discover it was brandy, and was led away to receive help and medical attention for himself.

What happened to the child? We don't know; he was never able to find out. What happened to Grandpa? He got fifty-four years, one month, one week, and two days he was never meant to have. My father, my aunt, my uncle, my two cousins, and I all got lives we were never meant to have.

Last night, in memory of Grandpa, I drank some wine my father made and then made my way outside into the sunset. I took my camera. Grandpa was a photographer; the best in the family. It was quiet outside, peaceful and calm. The occasional car passed. Faint city sounds in the distance. I turned on Dream Theater's A Change Of Seasons and walked down my street in the twilight. From a small park at the end of my street, I watched the sun sink in the sky and his last day fade away in a brilliant dark blue sky with a bank of clouds on the western horizon. As final sunset approached, I made my way to a vantage point on a footbridge over the motorway and followed the sun in the sky. It was beautiful; rich and bright. I photographed it, again and again; I didn't want to let it go, I didn't want it to disappear. As A Change Of Seasons reached its conclusion, the sun finally descended below the horizon and left just a faint glow. I just kept staring, and finally turned away. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I whispered my last words to Grandpa at the sky and walked home. My footsteps never felt so heavy. I woke up to a cloudy grey morning today. It seems fitting.

I love you, Grandpa. Have a good one. Forever.
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[2 February 2008|05:34 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Mood | sad]
[Current Music |'Untitled' by The Cure]

Well. My father's called me a few times today. Grandpa's fighting it but he's going. He's been unconscious since last night and isn't exactly coming back out. It seems the last time he spoke was when he tried talking to me when the phone was put up to his ear yesterday. That's a surreal feeling. We could not really make out what he said as he was mumbling, not to mention muffled by an oxygen mask, but we think it was "hi André" and "that's good". He's been taken off oxygen now as it was no longer really helping ... by the sounds of it, he isn't seriously expected to make it through the night. I'm going to go out and watch the sunset later. While listening to A Change Of Seasons or something.

Thank you very much for all the good thoughts and prayers and well wishes, everyone. I really appreciate it. I've read all the comments to my last entry (a few times, in fact) and value them. I just don't know what to say back. I don't know what to say about much right now really.

He's only in the early 70s, you know. He hasn't even reached the average age for Kiwi males. I know, it should be all about the quality rather than the quantity of life, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I know he's had over 54 years he was never meant to have, but that doesn't make me feel any better either. Even a year ago, I thought all my grandparents would live to see their great-grandchildren. They're all young as far as grandparents tend to go (neither on my mother's side are even 70 yet), and then I believed them all to be in good health. I still can't accept that Grandpa's going to be gone within days, hours. Even today I've been talking in ifs, not whens. I'm dreading the phone ringing.

I keep thinking maybe something will happen. He never should have gotten out of Tangiwai. He should have died when the carriage went in the water, and even though he somehow made it out, he never should have made it to the edge of the river and definitely never should have made it up the bank to safety. Everybody else perished. I keep thinking his number still can't be up. He's meant to go and everything's against him, but just like Tangiwai, I keep thinking he'll defy that and come out the other end, making some tremendously lame quip about it.

I can't believe I won't hear one of his overwhelmingly lame jokes again. Things just won't seem right any more.

---

just after I posted this, literally a minute , i got the call

thats it
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[1 February 2008|06:04 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Mood | sad]
[Current Music |'Plainsong' by The Cure]

I got a phone call earlier today. I could tell what it was the second I answered and heard the tone of my father's voice. Grandpa has taken a significant turn for the worst. He is in the hospice, and as I write this, I really don't know if he is still hanging in there. When I spoke to Dad, it seemed like a matter of hours. He put the phone to Grandpa's ear so that I could say some final words to him.

I can't believe how quickly things have happened. It has been only two weeks since I saw him. Not even that. 12 days.

I don't know if I will be flying to New Zealand or not. Dad and I will work that out later.

Right now I am sitting here without a clue in the world what to do with myself. Nobody's around, everyone's all so far away. I'm just listening to The Cure because everything else is either too happy, the wrong kind of melancholic, or too heavy. Mainly the Faith and Disintegration albums. I'm waiting for the cricket to start tonight so I can watch it and try to pass the time.

I can't accept that this is really happening. And I hate being in Australia right now. I feel so disconnected. It makes it seem less real and it drags it out and makes it all the more hard.
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[21 January 2008|09:42 pm]
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[Current Music |'Epidemic' by Blackfield]

I got back from New Zealand this morning.

I've a mass of thoughts swirling in my head on different topics and it really is tremendously difficult to make sense of them or to put them in order. I suppose I shall try. I guess most insistent in the back of my mind is the knowledge that I probably just saw Grandpa alive for the last time. I am trying not to let this come to the front of my mind though, with varying degrees of success. Strangely enough, what bothers me the most is that I didn't say my standard "have a good one" to him when I left ... then I realise that was probably better, as I quite consciously chose to say "see you later". Because damnit, I am going to see him later. He's stubborn; he'll hold on as long as he bloody well can. Apparently he looks good at the moment; to me, he looked much worse than when I saw him in July 2007, but those who've seen him recently think he's improved as a result of his recent radiation treatment. That treatment is for comfort, however.

I got the chance to talk to him about Tangiwai, much more extensively than I expected. I was quite taken aback by the details I did not know, and remarkably enough, almost all of the family stories are true - and omit the most astounding parts! The only part that was significantly wrong was that he ended up in a tree; he in fact ended up on the edge of the river and somehow climbed the bank. He does not know how he did it. Those of you who've looked closely at the photos I have posted will surely agree with me when I say that it looks impossible. I will write up some more at a later stage in some kind of tribute.

I also find that on every trip, I miss New Zealand more - I guess because on every trip, it's even longer since I left, but it has never stopped being thoroughly familiar and entirely my home. I have a similar familiarity with Melbourne today, the Gold Coast unfortunately, and I'm sure if I went back, the University of Queensland's St Lucia campus and immediately surrounding suburbia too. However, it does not feel like home. It doesn't matter how many times I write "Australian" in response to customs forms asking "nationality as shown on passport", and it doesn't matter how much I love Melbourne and think it beats Wellington (or any other city I've visited) hands-down for livability. At the end of the day, it is not my home. I would give up anything, even my sense of independence that Melbourne gives me, to move back to my childhood home in Raumati Beach, have a job at Victoria University in Wellington, and do the looong commute every day. As much as I hate long commutes, I'd love it simply because of the part of the world I would be in. At the very least, I hope one day to have enough wealth to rock up at my childhood home and make the owners an offer they cannot refuse and establish it as a holiday house, somewhere to spend the summers away from Melbourne's heat.

Life moves too fast. It's weird that I'm 21. My father bought three wines in 1987 - well, obviously he bought more, but he specifically bought three, a red (for the life of me, I forget what, a pinot noir?), a late harvest riesling, and a port. We opened them after my birthday dinner and had a good evening drinking them. I seem to have acquired a taste for port. I grew up on wine, but only tried port sparingly and never really liked it, but the last time I had it was many years ago. However, the port actually proved to be my favourite, despite how much I love a good Kiwi late harvest riesling. It also turns out that I really do hold my drink extraordinarily well. I drank enough on both Saturday and Sunday nights to get most people I know fairly sloshed, while I did not even approach tipsy. That was pretty fortunate really, given the travelling on the days that followed both evenings. I incidentally had the longest birthday of my life. With family in New Zealand and Australia, I've had long Christmases and birthdays before, but my 21st managed to stretch from the day itself, the 17th, right through to the 20th when we had a lovely birthday lunch at Grandma and Grandpa's and a good barbecue back at Dad's place. Wow, that was only yesterday. It feels a world away.

I think most bizarrely for me, in the last week, I had a handful of moments - brief moments, but moments all the same - where I actually felt comfortable. I am not comfortable in social situations. My mind is always flying, always analysing. I cannot mentally relax, even if I look at ease to other people. I think I am actually quite good at putting up a kind of appearance of confidence, quite by accident as nothing could be further from the truth. However, being around certain people - both grandfathers and a couple of people in Queensland - actually put me at ease. I thought I would always be too nervous to talk to Grandpa about Tangiwai, but it was actually amazingly good ... I only returned to my standard discomfort when it was over and we went to eat lunch. I remember a time when I didn't find it this hard to relax and when I didn't subject everything to methodical and extensive thought and second-guessing. It was nice, albeit unexpected, to have brief returns to that.

So there's a smattering of thoughts, all very tired as I have been up for 20 hours after only a modicum of sleep. I hope all of you had a good few days. I took shitloads of photos, so I'll make some entries in the coming days that present them and more closely detail where I went and what I did. My photography sucks but it hopefully does the job.
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[16 January 2008|10:07 pm]
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[Current Music |Radio news]

Well, here I am back on the Gold Coast. The 2.5 weeks back home shot by rather quickly. I'm only staying here for my birthday tomorrow, and then flying over to Wellington on the 18th. On the 20th, we're making a day trip down to Nelson to see my Grandpa. I spoke to Grandma last weekend and things were not very encouraging, as illustrated by the fact Grandpa was not in a position to talk to me on the phone. I know that as recently as Christmas Eve, he was out pottering in the garden with my father, but things seem spectacularly unpleasant at the moment. I'm worried about the condition I'll find him in come Sunday, but I can't wait to see him. I wish I could stay longer, but he will be very tired and even with the day we're down there, we likely won't be able to spend all of it with him. Hopefully we'll get lots of quality time though - quality over quantity, eh? So we'll be doing that, and then the next morning I will be flying home to Melbourne at some ridiculous time in the morning. The time I will need to get up on Monday morning in New Zealand will be roughly the time I've been going to bed in Melbourne lately. And the timezone difference is just two hours! I'm almost tempted to just stay up all night and sleep on the plane.

I must admit that I won't miss the day that I no longer have to visit Queensland. Yes, it's my usual complaints - too hot, no daylight saving, poorly planned, no trams, etc. I'm really looking forward to going to New Zealand though, even if it's a brief visit. Having my own camera is exceptionally handy. Yes, I suppose it'll be more picture entries when I get home. Hopefully they will be interesting.

Anyway, that's really about it for me. Hope you're all having a good one.
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[13 January 2008|10:24 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Mood | depressed]
[Current Music |'Behold The Vastness And Sorrow' by Wolves In The Throne Room]

Lately, I have started to really take to my writing again - as I suppose may have been apparent by the fact I am back to posting daily. It's been at the forefront of my fight against boredom and loneliness; it certainly served me well back in my early teenage years when I felt similarly socially isolated and shy. I am really looking forward to the start of the new university year and yet it is still over 1.5 months away. The Christmas holidays are agonisingly long. So I've been writing fiction again to fill in my evenings, and for once I feel like I am not writing total garbage. I remember when I was 13 and I dreamt of being an author. Now there was a pipe dream. Far too many people have pretentions of being an author, while far too few of them have any actual talent. So now I just write for the fun of it and just try to hone my skills - it will be helpful later when writing academically, and it refocuses my mind and has its therapeutic qualities.

I'm also rather looking forward to the Dream Theater concert that is a fortnight from today. Given their history of never coming to Australia before, I am incredibly happy that they are coming here and I am trying to avoid looking at the setlists for their current shows in Asia. I want to be surprised, and I also would rather not know if they are doing The Ministry Of Lost Souls and Prophets Of War - if I must have twenty minutes of my life wasted on that complete crap, I would rather not be dreading it beforehand. I just wish they had come here on the previous tour. I've looked fairly extensively through the setlist archive on Mike Portnoy's website, and I think the last tour had some of their best sets, while the current one has some of the worst. No doubt part of this impression is created by the predictable presence of songs from Systematic Chaos. I found that album to be more than just disappointing. Ah well, at least they play for 2.5-3 hours, so over two thirds of the show should be quality music.

Moving topics completely, the news at the moment seems to be so tremendously depressing. I've tried to write entries reflecting on various events but it all ends up in the same sort of pondering and asking "why?" Maybe it's just my state of mind that I'm feeling things more acutely than normal. I find myself turning the television news off in disgust increasingly frequently. Visiting news websites almost feels like a chore. And then of course I turn to my personal life only to find Grandpa has not been doing spectacularly the last week. He will hopefully be receiving treatment to make him more comfortable this coming week, as long as he is capable of travelling halfway down the South Island to receive it. It's too hard to accept the fact that there will not be a cure or even a considerable improvement in his condition.

So it'll be another birthday plagued by worry about a family member's health. Lucky me. No wonder I have been immersing myself in fiction, whether it's writing my own or reading that of others.
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Hmm, wonder what day it is today! [25 December 2007|01:03 pm]
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[Current Music |'Boughs of Holly' by Trans-Siberian Orchestra]

Merry Christmas and a Happy Festivus, everybody!

I hope all of you are having a great Christmas Day, or for those of you behind the times and living in the past, I hope you're having a nice Christmas Eve and have everything ready for tomorrow. I've had a pretty lazy Christmas morning; just a quiet breakfast with close family. I got to have my traditional cornflakes with blueberries, so I'm happy. We're having a late lunch in the afternoon and I'm currently just taking a break from helping with the cooking while Mum and Alan pay a brief visit to some of Alan's family. I spoke to Grandma and Grandpa a short while ago and they both sounded good; Grandpa sounded remarkably healthy despite his condition, though his prognosis is poor. I'm pleasantly stunned to learn that the card I sent them on the 20th somehow made it there yesterday! Even at the best of times, it tends to take a week for anything to get across the Tasman, so a delivery time of four days at the height of Christmas strikes me as astonishing.

We've only exchanged a few presents thus far as we normally do the main present-giving before eating the day's main meal, but one present I've already received is sensational. Mum and Alan finally managed to track down the t-shirt upon which my New Zealand icon that I'm using for this entry is based. I saw someone wearing it years ago at a one day cricket international at the 'Gabba in Brisbane but have never been able to find it. Apparently some Kiwis are brave enough to sell this sort of stuff at Carrara markets on the Gold Coast here in Australia - what champions! It reads "I support two teams, the All Blacks and whoever is playing the Wallabies". This is the first time I have worn a Kiwi sporting shirt since that immensely depressing quarter-final loss in the World Cup in October; previously, I wore one of my Kiwi sporting shirts at least once a week! I think this t-shirt has to claim the title of best that I own.

What is really weird is that for the first time in approximately two years, I am updating from my old bedroom. This is where I wrote the vast bulk of my LJ entries. It's now my mother's room, with all of her sewing spread throughout the place and her computer in the corner where my printer and stereo used to reside. This used to be a pool room before I moved in and the pool table is still in the centre; clearly putting it to every use other than playing pool runs in the family, as it used to be covered in all my junk and is now lost underneath my mother's sewing! Suddenly I feel not so bad about how disorganised this place inadvertently became during my time here!

By some miracle, it's not overwhelmingly hot or humid in Queensland at the moment, though I am still jealous of Melbourne's 23 and fine. It is amazing just how fast the Gold Coast is growing; I think that it has changed more in the two years since I left than my Kiwi hometown has changed since I left in 1997 (well Raumati Beach anyway; parts of Paraparaumu border on unrecognisable). I'm greatly looking forward to catching up with my friends over the next few days; a couple I saw a year ago, but some people I haven't seen since the end of high school in 2004. It will be interesting to see how much they have changed; I doubt it will shock anyone that I am even more nerdy than before. In my usual nerdy fashion, I'm sure hoping some of those presents under the Christmas tree are books. I got through over 100 pages of Crime And Punishment on the plane yesterday despite sleeping half the way, and have now nearly finished it.

Damn I wish I had someone to play cricket with today.
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Remembering Tangiwai: 54 years since the disaster [24 December 2007|10:51 am]
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[Current Music |'One Tree Hill (26 December 1989)' by U2]



54 years ago this evening, the fourth worst disaster in New Zealand history and the eighth worst railway disaster in the world at the time occurred just north of Tangiwai in the central North Island. In 1863, 189 died in the shipwreck of the HMS Orpheus; in 1931, the Napier earthquake killed 258; and 26 years after Tangiwai, the crash of an Air New Zealand flight into Mount Erebus, Antarctica took 257 lives. The Tangiwai disaster claimed 151 lives. In a past entry, I have detailed the events of the crash fairly extensively. In short, on Christmas Eve 1953, an ash wall holding in the crater lake of Mount Ruapehu collapsed, creating a lahar - a torrent of ash, mud, and water - that surged down the Whangaehu River. It destroyed the bridge of the North Island Main Trunk Railway and the lahar was at its height at 10:21pm when the overnight express passenger train from Wellington to Auckland reached the bridge with no warning that it was impassable. The steam locomotive and the train's five second class carriages all tumbled into the lahar and were brutally torn apart. The sixth carriage, the leading first class carriage, teetered on the edge of the bridge's remnants before rolling into the river; the remainder of the train stayed on the tracks. In total, the locomotive's driver and fireman, one first class passenger, and 148 of the 176 second class passengers were killed.



As is probably common knowledge to readers of my journal by now, my Grandpa was one of the 28 survivors from the second class carriages. Unless there is a bit of a miracle, this will more than likely be the last Tangiwai anniversary that my Grandpa lives to see. Accordingly, I would like to tell the personal story as best I can, from what I know. I hope to talk to him at more length about the disaster sometime. Grandpa, then aged 18, was travelling from Wellington to Auckland for Christmas with his friend John Cockburn (that's "Co-burn"), aged 17, and John's 12 year old brother, Douglas; I am sure John and Douglas would forgive me if I have accidentally muddled them. Their sister is my Grandma. All three lived in Masterton and would have travelled over the Rimutaka Incline to Wellington to catch the express, which departed Wellington at 3pm.

The three travelled second class, and were in the second carriage behind the locomotive. The trip north was fairly uneventful and passed through my own hometown, Raumati Beach, on its way out of Wellington. Although electric locomotives were available to haul the train between Wellington and Paekakariki, it was hauled by a steam locomotive all the way, KA class member 949. Demand for the train was sufficient that a second express followed it an hour later. The first express made good time, with its final stop before Tangiwai in Waiouru; on its departure from Waiouru, 285 people were aboard. My Grandpa sat beside a window, a seating location that would save his life. Naturally, Douglas and John sat with him; eerily, a few winters earlier, John at the age of 14 went on a school trip to Mount Ruapehu and we have a photo of him at the crater lake that took his life.

When the train reached the Whangaehu River, the locomotive was launched into the air and nearly reached the opposite bank of the river; it was followed by the first carriage. The second, however, plunged directly into the lahar and took the full brunt of its power. It was mercilessly torn to pieces and reduced to a twisted wreck, unrecognisable as a passenger carriage. It can be seen in the picture above as the mangled lump in front of the much more intact first carriage, and again in the picture below with the similarly more intact sixth carriage in the background. Of the approximately 35 passengers aboard the second carriage, every single one apart from my Grandpa was killed, including Douglas and John. Upon landing in the water, Grandpa was flung through the window into the lahar and swept downriver. He swallowed mouthfuls of the lahar's muddy water, now laced with engine oil and coal. His clothes were torn from him by the force of the lahar, leaving him with just his belt and shreds of his vest. He was found up a tree. Of the 12 residents of Masterton aboard the train, he was the only one to survive; I cannot fathom how he came out of that alive. He has never ridden a train since. Sixteen months after the disaster, he married my Grandma; a year later, his first son, my father, was born. The realisation that had my Grandpa been seated anywhere else in the carriage, he would have died and I would not be here today is something truly extraordinarily indescribable.



At this time of year, I would also like to take this opportunity to remember four other relatives of mine who died on New Zealand's rails in the country's second worst railway disaster. 10.5 years before Tangiwai, the Hyde disaster occurred on 4 June 1943 when the Cromwell to Dunedin express derailed outside of Hyde in Central Otago due to excessive speed. Of the 113 passengers on board, 21 were killed. They included John Frater, my great-grandfather; his daughter Irene White; and her two young sons, Desmond and John. John Frater's wife, my great-grandmother, survived the accident but died within two years due to the physical toll of her severe injuries and the emotional impact of the deaths.

RIP Douglas, John Cockburn, John Frater, John White, Irene, and Desmond.
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[16 December 2007|11:49 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[Current Mood | sad]
[Current Music |'Vapour Trail' by Ride]

Fuck.

As I'm sure some of you remember, back in July, I went to New Zealand to visit my Grandpa as he has been diagnosed with cancer, specifically lymphoma. He was on chemotherapy at the time, and seemed to be doing well. This pattern of apparently positive progress continued over subsequent months. But that all changed. My father told me today the outcome of a recent meeting Grandpa had with a specialist. The chemotherapy had seemed to be putting the cancer into remission, but ever since the chemo cycle ended ... it's come straight back. The chemo, in other words, has failed. He is straight back where he was earlier this year, when he was diagnosed, with about 6 weeks to 2 months to live if there is no treatment. I understand there is still radiation treatment that they can do. I ... don't know how successful it's going to be. I was already going to New Zealand in January just after my birthday; we were planning that he would come up to Wellington, as we thought he would be well enough, but now we're heading down to Nelson and my trip may be extended.

I've felt in somewhat of a daze all evening. I have tried to do other things. Tried to keep myself occupied. Everything seemed to be going well with his treatment, and then this. I don't know how long this radiation treatment will keep him going. I can't believe that he might soon be gone. It ... doesn't register, it really doesn't. He's always been a constant in my life. I'm scared of how Grandma will cope once he goes. They'll have been married 53 years this April, if he gets that far.

I've been very lucky. I'm a month off turning 21 and all four of my grandparents are still alive. Nobody close to me has died. Everyone else I know is lucky to have half their grandparents still alive even at the start of the teenage years. But I'm scared of how I will respond when the inevitable happens, and I get the impression the inevitable is coming sooner rather than later. It seems most people learn to cope with death as children, and children are resilient. I never learnt that. It looms over me horribly. I'm just slightly paranoid about it; my closest friends and family can attest that I get a little nervous when they fly or I don't hear from them for an unexpectedly long period of time. What will happen? Death's so fucking permanent; I'll be a wreck. I can't imagine life without Grandpa. He's such a character, his personality is really warm and he tells such great stories and jokes that are so overwhelmingly lame that they become funny.

Well, he survived the Tangiwai railway disaster. The only survivor in his carriage (a fact I did not know when I wrote the 2004 entry I just linked to). One of only 28 of the 176 second class passengers to survive. I'm sure he believes he can beat anything. I hope that attitude doesn't wane, because as long as he's got that and his sense of humour, he'll cling in there and fight all the bloody way. 24 December will be especially poignant this year, 54 years after Tangiwai and likely the last with Grandpa here. Perhaps I will go to Tangiwai next year to pay my respects.

Just what he survived. )

I can't believe how long it took me to write this entry. I feel ... a strange empty, queasy, sick, sorrowful feeling I've never quite felt and don't know how to describe.
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Nine days in a leaky boat. [8 July 2007|02:35 pm]
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[Current Mood | contemplative]
[Current Music |'Ciel Errant' by Alcest]

Well, I'm back from New Zealand. It was quite the trip.

Nine days back home. )
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[28 June 2007|11:17 pm]
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[Current Music |'Deep' by Anathema]

Tomorrow, I leave for New Zealand. I won't be able to get on LJ or reply to e-mailed comment notifications while I'm there. I don't want to go. There are the usual factors, coupled with the fact this is my longest trip to New Zealand in many, many years and I'm really worried about my fish. They have food to last them; I just hope it dissolves at a satisfactory rate and they like it. I honestly feel guilty about leaving them here. I'm told zebrafish are pretty hardy though, so they'll hopefully be OK.

But what gives me greatest pause is seeing Grandpa. At the moment, things aren't quite real. The image of Grandpa that I have in my mind is one of good health and humour. Now, I'm sure his sense of humour will still be going strong, but ... seeing him will very much make things real and that scares me. I don't want it to be real. Shame that reality's such a difficult thing to deny.

I of course want to go too. I am very much a bundle of conflicting emotions. I very much want to see Grandpa, especially now as time with him feels so much more limited. But the reality upsets me. I'll have to face it in less than two days. I fly to Wellington tomorrow, spend the night with my father, then fly down to Nelson the next morning. We fly back to Wellington Friday next week, I get to see my other grandfather and visit the Kapiti Coast, and then come home early Sunday morning.

These conflicting emotions don't make any sense. I keep trying to look on the bright side just for the sake of my sanity: I'm getting to go back to NZ much earlier than I anticipated (I was very much not expecting to go back until next year sometime), I get to see grandparents who I haven't seen in ages, I get to go back to my hometown, I'll get away from the monotony of hanging around my house by myself. But I can only keep that up for so long. Then I remember that Grandpa's seriously ill. It's rather unpleasant.

Oh well, I know none of this is really making much sense. On a more positive note, a fact from an article I wrote on Wikipedia about the Seddonville branch line railway made the main page's "do you know?" section. Its time on the main page ended just before I began writing the entry, and the fact was: "did you know that the New Zealand Railways Department dumped tank locomotives of the WB class in the Mokihinui River to protect against erosion beside the route of the Seddonville Branch line?" Tremendously thrilling, I know. Well, it was of interest to me, and enough out of the ordinary that it made the page. That gave me a little smile.

On that note, I shall leave you fine people. I hope you all have a wonderful nine days. I will try to enjoy my time in New Zealand as best I can. Even if it isn't the most joyful of circumstances, I will at least get some quality time with Grandpa, and that I am very much looking forward to. Until I return, have a good one, folks!
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[25 June 2007|10:34 pm]
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[Current Mood | depressed]
[Current Music |'Friends Are Evil' by Jesu]

A week ago, I was doing the final study for my exams and expecting to do absolutely nothing over the winter holidays except work on my journal article. How things rapidly change!

Before my second exam, I had a massive asthma attack. Probably the second worst I've had; it was definitely the worst in terms of how hard it was to breathe, but I could feel it abating, unlike one I was hospitalised for when I was 12 that just kept getting worse. So now I have to take my exam for that subject later these holidays. I'm trying to look at it optimistically: more time to study.

But that is really a trifling event in perspective. My Grandpa has been diagnosed with cancer. Lymphoma, though I'm not quite sure what type. I initially got the false implication that, as bad as that is, it had been caught early and good cause for optimism existed. I have since learnt that it wasn't caught early, and although he isn't totally screwed, it's nonetheless worse than I thought. Accordingly, I'm flying to New Zealand to spend a week with him in Nelson. I leave on Friday. Before I come back early on the morning of Sunday the 8th, I'll get to spend Saturday in the North Island visiting my other grandfather. That will be good, and I'll be able to have my first decent trip to my hometown for ... four years, at least. I've missed the place. I would have liked to have stayed even longer and spent a day in the Wairarapa, but after over a week away from home, I'll be wanting to get home, especially as I'm worried about my fish! I'm heading down to the pet shop tomorrow in the hopes that they have something to keep my fish fed while I'm gone, as Kate's in the middle of a trip home to the States and I don't know anyone else who could come and feed them.

Grandpa's news hasn't really quite sunk in yet. It feels eerie that just a few months ago, I was thinking about how remarkable it was that I've made it to 20 years old with all my grandparents alive. I don't think I know anyone else like that; most people I know have lost at least half their grandparents. But my maternal grandparents are quite young and my paternal grandparents (including Grandpa) seemed in good health for their age. I had started to become quite comfortable and content, like nothing was going to change, though I admit the thought ran through my head that surely this couldn't last. I have never lost anyone very close to me in my 20 years; I have only ever been to one funeral, for an old neighbour. As much as that's a blessing, it has also contributed to a fear of death: I have no idea how I am going to react when it finally inevitably happens, but I imagine it will be very, very bad. You know, I really had started to believe my grandparents would all live to see their great-grandkids if I got married and had children around the average age for Kiwis and Aussies. Now, unless there is a miracle ... I don't even want to say it. My Grandpa is amazing. He survived Tangiwai. He has the most incredible random stories. And I think his most memorable trait is his horrifically lame wit; no-one tells jokes as lame as he does and I love it. Dad tells me that Grandpa's sense of humour hasn't abated in the slightest, so that's a good sign. I can't wait to hear what he has to say about the lymphoma.

So that's the news from Axverland. 2007 has fucking sucked. I'm off to listen to the heaviest music I can find; it's about all that makes me feel better. The drone doom style of Jesu should do the trick.

Be well, folks, and have a good one. A really good one.
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