Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

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Tomorrow, I leave for New Zealand. I won't be able to get on LJ or reply to e-mailed comment notifications while I'm there. I don't want to go. There are the usual factors, coupled with the fact this is my longest trip to New Zealand in many, many years and I'm really worried about my fish. They have food to last them; I just hope it dissolves at a satisfactory rate and they like it. I honestly feel guilty about leaving them here. I'm told zebrafish are pretty hardy though, so they'll hopefully be OK.

But what gives me greatest pause is seeing Grandpa. At the moment, things aren't quite real. The image of Grandpa that I have in my mind is one of good health and humour. Now, I'm sure his sense of humour will still be going strong, but ... seeing him will very much make things real and that scares me. I don't want it to be real. Shame that reality's such a difficult thing to deny.

I of course want to go too. I am very much a bundle of conflicting emotions. I very much want to see Grandpa, especially now as time with him feels so much more limited. But the reality upsets me. I'll have to face it in less than two days. I fly to Wellington tomorrow, spend the night with my father, then fly down to Nelson the next morning. We fly back to Wellington Friday next week, I get to see my other grandfather and visit the Kapiti Coast, and then come home early Sunday morning.

These conflicting emotions don't make any sense. I keep trying to look on the bright side just for the sake of my sanity: I'm getting to go back to NZ much earlier than I anticipated (I was very much not expecting to go back until next year sometime), I get to see grandparents who I haven't seen in ages, I get to go back to my hometown, I'll get away from the monotony of hanging around my house by myself. But I can only keep that up for so long. Then I remember that Grandpa's seriously ill. It's rather unpleasant.

Oh well, I know none of this is really making much sense. On a more positive note, a fact from an article I wrote on Wikipedia about the Seddonville branch line railway made the main page's "do you know?" section. Its time on the main page ended just before I began writing the entry, and the fact was: "did you know that the New Zealand Railways Department dumped tank locomotives of the WB class in the Mokihinui River to protect against erosion beside the route of the Seddonville Branch line?" Tremendously thrilling, I know. Well, it was of interest to me, and enough out of the ordinary that it made the page. That gave me a little smile.

On that note, I shall leave you fine people. I hope you all have a wonderful nine days. I will try to enjoy my time in New Zealand as best I can. Even if it isn't the most joyful of circumstances, I will at least get some quality time with Grandpa, and that I am very much looking forward to. Until I return, have a good one, folks!
Tags: grandpa, lymphoma, nelson, new zealand, nzr, wellington, wikipedia
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