Axver (axver) wrote,
Axver
axver

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Well, today was one of the most depressing days I've had in a long time, not that I really care to detail the events of the day as that would require a bit too much thinking about what happened than I'm really willing to invest as I'm just starting to feel like I've passed the bottom and am climbing out of the hole I've ended up in. Well, it's enough to say that hopefully I won't have to visit where I had to visit today for a long time. Ideally, the next time I go back, it'll be to tell those wankers to shove it.

The worst part is that no matter what music I listened to today, I didn't seem to feel better. This is rare for me, as music tends to be quite therapeutic. Sometimes it takes me a bit of time to find just the right band to suit my mood, but it usually happens within a couple of hours. Not today. Some stuff didn't move me anywhere, which honestly was good, and briefly, Cynic and Dan Swanö seemed to be cheering me up (this may seem bizarre to some of you, but I tend to find death metal is usually the best music for picking me up when I feel rotten), but most of it just made me feel even worse. Cheerful music either seemed too fake or reminded me of the fact that I wasn't cheerful. Depressing music reminded me of why I felt down. Music rich with evocative soundscapes seemed to evoke senses of sorrow, loss, and a longing for what I don't have. Turning the music off was even worse because then I had nothing entirely, and those of you who know me well know just how important having on some form of music is to me. I wanted to escape into the world of sleep but I wasn't tired.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Not even about why I feel down, just someone to engage in conversation, lighthearted topics, jokes, that sort of thing. I normally like living by myself, but today was one of those days where it did me more harm than good. But hopefully I'll have someone to talk to really soon. I'm very excited about that.

I'm going to wish I hadn't posted this, I know. I should just stick to ranting about politics (John Howard and Barack Obama did, after all, give me a truckload of material today) and analysing religion. At least that doesn't come across as quite so pathetic and is moderately interesting to some people. Well, anyway, I hope the rest of you have the good one I didn't have today.
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