I am officially killing my computer with excessive downloads. The poor thing. Mourn.
Centuries of allegations proved false by Tuvaluan scientists.
Everyone knows the story. The Christians, those humanoid beings with whom we share the planet, may look and appear human, but they are not of this world. It was simply thought to be common sense to assume they were not human. They were somehow above reason and logic in their higher existence, able to pass judgement but not receive, able to preach but not practice, able to ask to be tolerated but not tolerate. However, it would appear the high horse on which they rode has suddenly been shot and killed. It turns out they're just as bad as the rest of humanity.
In a press conference last night at his secluded laboratory in Tuvalu, Doctor Douglas Booth made an announcement sure to change world attitudes. With his associate, Professor Thomas Frater, he had discovered "Christians share exactly the same genetic make-up as human beings." After some reporters were confused, he clarified that he was not talking about lipstick and mascara but about genes and DNA. "We have checked and double-checked this. Our research is impeccable. The Christians are not a different species but are also human."
Various sectors of the community have reacted in different ways.
"I can now launch all those lawsuits I've wanted to!" proclaimed Russian shop owner Dmitri Kazaromikov, whose poultry section had been infected by Chick tracts on a regular basis. "Now that they are no longer classed as above the law, I can prosecute to my heart's content. For compensation and money, money, money, money!"
"There will no longer be grounds for discrimination against Christians." stated Reverend Dwight Larskoff of Leeds, England. "Equal wages will now have to be paid, we cannot be classed as inferior citizens. For employment and money, money, money, money!"
"We'll no longer be able to make documentaries on these fascinating creatures. Er, humans." moped Soren Sujak, the Danish film-maker. "I'm going to petition the courts to reclassify our documentaries as comedic fiction. This way, we will be able to keep making them. For profit and money, money, money, money!"
It would appear that due to Christians being human, there is going to be a lot of money made. Thus, reasons Professor Frater, "Christians are good for the economy. For wealth and money, money, money, money!"
U2 has announced they will be launching widespread litigation for infringed copyright.
"We can't allow our music to be mocked like this." said Bono. "Desire is a song near and dear to us. People may quote our lyrics, but not abuse them. Thus, we will be launching court action. For copyright protection and money, money, money, money!"
I really should've been working on my English speech instead of writing that. Oh well. Speech is due on Tuesday, don't know if I'll be speaking then or not. Still have to hand in a written copy, which I think I'll go knock up soon. Won't be that hard, or at least it shouldn't be. At least I'm feeling a bit on the healthier side today. I better be well on Tuesday, just in case I have to speak. Then I can go off. Woohoo, unprepared speech! I'm so disorganised, but it seems to work.
Anyway. I don't have much to say today. Enjoy my accent or something. Explain the Imperial system to me if you want. Make random comments about garbage just to liven up this boring Sunday for me. I'm hating my firewall right now.
--- 10:38pm ---
I completely cannot write speeches. Gah, it's horrible. I'm much happier walking around the room, speaking off the top of my head. I've got about three or four minutes of material on paper. The time limit is six to eight minutes. I just did the speech twice off the top of my head, both times I exceeded eight and a half minutes. I think I'm going to struggle to convert this to a written form to hand in, but it's sure going to be fun to actually do the speech in class.
Now I need sleep.