I'm so stressed at the moment. I just want to collapse onto my bed and stay there forever, or for someone to come and make it all better, or at least for someone to CARE. I don't want to hear that Gibbo's a fag, I don't want to hear that I'm right and she's wrong (which doesn't change the fact of the matter anyway), I don't want School Patrick to try to sell his sob stories to me and make me feel sorry for him, I don't want his "Tim and Grant are my only real friends and I don't have a girlfriend" crap (I swore my head off at him last night over that), I don't want anything to do with him because all he seems to cause is trouble and dispute and argument, I want my home back, I want to feel more confident about my exams than I do now ... I just want time to myself, really, time alone, at my own house, not some foreign place like this.
Speaking of my exams, I'm so up the creek with that. I need to study so intensely over the next week. The exam timetable comes out tomorrow so that'll help me structure my study. Although I was talking to Johnno in SOR today, and he made a really good point;
Me: "I'm so screwed. I need to get a good mark on my exams."
"So that I can get a good OP [grade required to enter uni]."
"Why do you want to go to uni?"
"So that I can be a lawyer."
"Why do you want to be a lawyer?"
"Because ... then I could get a good, high-paying job."
"Why do you want that?"
"So that I can earn money."
"So that I can buy cool stuff, things I want."
This is when he got into some stuff we're studying now. If anyone's familiar with Soren Kierkegaard, they may recognise his theories coming through here.
"But won't that just get boring? You'll buy something, it'll excite you for a while, and then it'll get boring and you'll want something else. What's the point? Why does it matter if you get a good OP, become a lawyer, and earn lots of money? It just ends up in boredom."
Good point. But ... I'm greedy. Yet not. I'd love to have enough money to get what I want and go where I want to go, and then give away my excess. Like when those sad stories come on the news, I'd like to be rich enough so that I can phone the TV station, say "About such-and-such story ... I'd like to donate [large sum of money/sum needed for operation/cost of damages/whatever] to them."
I just feel so exhausted now. I need a convenient place to collapse, my exams done for me to an A-grade standard, a new U2 CD or twenty, some other really good music, things with ADSL to work out just fine, things between God and myself to get back to where they were back in January or March or so ... and love would be nice, really nice.